“I think at this time I do not want either of you to bother with
me anymore. Sorry, don’t call or text me anymore. I can’t pretend like
everything is ok. I understand you both have your own lives. Enjoy them. I
always thought we had close mother/daughter relationships, but I was wrong.
Take care. Good bye.”
After the previous text exchange I had with my mom I tried
just letting things cool off. I talked to my dad this past weekend and asked
why Mom was mad at me. He said she thought I was mad at her. So, I thought I
would try again. My dad told me she was going back to work yesterday, so I
thought I would see how her first day back went. Her response was “tiring.” I
tried to engage her some more, saying I’m sure it was hard to get back into the
swing of the routine, but she didn’t respond. Then, about an hour after our
text conversation she sent the above text to me and my sister. My sister had
been out of the country meeting up with her husband who was finishing one of
his graduate courses in Croatia. I don’t know what beef she had with my sister
and my sister text me so confused as to what happened. Apparently, she had
called my mom earlier and they spoke briefly but nothing was said to warrant this
cutting of ties.
I cannot begin to truly understand what my mother is going
through dealing with cancer for a second time so soon after battling breast
cancer. I can sympathize and try to be supportive, but I don’t get it in the visceral
sense like someone who has gone through it. My mom has always been on the
passive-aggressive side, but ever since she got sick it’s been so hard. She is
angry and bitter and it doesn’t seem like I can do whatever it is she thinks I
should be doing. She cannot fight with her cancer, so it seems she has chosen
me and my sister as her targets to direct her anger. I wish she would find
help; see a therapist or find a support group. Instead, she is pushing away her
family in a very cruel way. How can we be close if she cannot see the damage
she has done? Her reality is one-sided, making us the aggressors and herself the
innocent victim. I know she has talked to friends about how her daughters do
not care about her, how we are not there for her in her time of need. We are
the bad guys.
I text my sister about it and we decided I would respond to
the group text. “We love you. We are so sorry you feel this way. Both Sister
and I want to do what we can to support you. What you are going through isn’t
easy. What specific ways can we show you more support?” I don’t think either
one of us really believes she will respond, but at least we can know we tried.
It sounds like your mom is really going thru a lot, and I'm sorry you're all (especially her) having to deal with the fallout of that. It sounds like she's really unable and / or unwilling to see what all you're dealing with, how hard you've tried to support her in spite of that, and maybe that's part of the resentment she seems to harbor toward your children. I just wanted to say, whether your mom responds or not, I admire how you and your sister have refused to rise to her passive aggressiveness, and are instead just reaching out again to try and support her. I hope she's able to accept your love and support!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, that your sister is too and that your mom doesn’t seem to be dealing with her problems at all. It must be so hard that she’s pushing you away and refusing to understand that you’re there for her and that you need her to be there for you too. I’m glad you & A have each other.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that it sounds as if she's terribly angry at her health situation, and she's taking it out on you guys. Try not to take it personally. Support each other. And support your Dad, because he must be getting it too. And yes, I know that that is easier to say than do.
ReplyDelete