I’ve been in a funk lately. Everything is making me feel so
overwhelmed. Things with Primero have improved slightly, but we are still
experience these growing pains. Things with Chica Marie have ramped up again,
with lying and doing things she shouldn’t be doing. Maybe because the school
year has ended? I don’t know, but it hasn’t been easy. Love Bug has been having
issues at the end of the day at daycare. If I am not there moments after
leaving work (say I go to the bank first or get out of work a little late), I
find him sobbing uncontrollably in his cubby. He can’t tell time looking at a
clock, but somehow he knows what time I pick him up and he just can’t tolerate
one moment more waiting for me. Work has been hard with my coworker out on a
two week vacation to Italy, but also just adjusting to this new program that
sucks the very soul from my body. I hate it. I went out with friends on
Saturday and while I had a really nice time at dinner and really enjoyed the
Escape Room, when we went out for drinks my mood took a nose-dive. We were in a
pretty full outdoor spot but I felt so alone. And lonely. The other women would
get up from our table and wander around and I just didn’t have the energy. I
ended up calling Primero to come get me early because I had to keep fighting
back tears. And then there’s my mom. I don’t know what I’ve done, but she is
mad at me. I text her this morning asking how she was feeling and she responded
with “Fine.” I pressed for more information and she retorted ,”Does it matter?”
I responded that of course it matters but she never wrote back. We hadn’t
spoken last week because I was busy and drained, but last time I checked the
phone works both ways. And she didn’t reach out to me. In fact, she has no idea
what is going on in my life. No idea at all.
I had been doing so good! I was managing to meet whatever
imaginary expectation my mom had regarding what a daughter should do, but
somehow I dropped the ball. And so now she hates me. I’m just a terrible daughter
who doesn’t care about her own mother. I can’t do enough to satisfy her. Whatever
gestures I make are rebuffed. She is still mad at me for not doing enough, for
not being there enough for her when she was going through breast cancer. It’s a
great big hole I cannot dig my way out of no matter how hard I try. I don’t
even know what exactly she expected of me, I don’t understand how I messed up,
but here we are. And I feel like worthless crud.
I feel like my life is out of control and I can’t get it
back in order, I am hopeless and helpless. I feel like at any moment of the day
I am on the brink of tears and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to pull
myself out of this, how to right this sinking ship. I’m not sure how much
longer I can hold on. Maybe I should just let go? Nothing seems like the right
answer, there is no clear path forward. I just keep bumbling along, making more
of a mess of things. How can I fix it? Can someone help me?
I'm so sorry to read your post. Do you have depression if so maybe increase in meds. If not then maybe you should see a Dr. I can't offer much other than to let you know I hear you and understand life is crap at the moment. Sending you hugs and good thoughts to you.
ReplyDeleteI am listening and I send you so much love. Kids are hard. Parents are hard. You are strong and loving and I know you can hang on and find your way. Yesterday we were at the pool and Emmett was chasing a ball he threw across the water. He threw it a little ways, over and over again until he swam almost the whole length of the pool. He came back and said, “Mom! Know why I did that? Sometimes it’s easier to reach big goals if you set little ones on the way.” I thought that was so smart- and a philosophy that many of us could use in life! Just a little 8-year-old wisdom as food for thought. And- despite our distance, I am here for you. Remember that! ❤️
ReplyDeleteI wish I could offer myself to give you a break, but I'm a stranger over 1k miles away. I know right now not must feel like you're drowning, but it's so important that you hang on. Maybe the small goal would be just to make thru this week, then give yourself any kind of treat, anything that makes you smile. Then you only need to get thru the next week. You sound do overwhelmed. I hope there's someone you can reach out to. You do sound like you're dealing with depression - coming from someone who also deals with it. But we all have bad days too. Deep breaths and I hope things have calmed down a little.
ReplyDelete