The Van Ban

Ever since I evicted Toxic Friend from our house the end of April, Primero and I have been on a vitriolic roller coaster ride of emotions, fighting, and finding our place in this new normal. Our recent squabble came this past weekend. Primero has consistently been going to Toxic Friend’s house on a daily basis. This requires an hour walk, one-way across town. On Saturday I allowed Primero to take the van. He left early in the morning and promised to return by 12:30. It was such a nice day on Saturday so I decided to take the kids on a walk down the local bike path. Initially we were going to take the dogs, but I couldn’t manage three dogs and two kids by myself, so we decided to leave the dogs at home. We set out before 11 and walked the short distance to the beginning of the path. Love Bug was not sure he was enjoying the walk and spent a lot of time asking to go home. Chica Marie was relishing stretching her legs, jogging, and talking to anyone who crossed our path. Once we decided to turn around and head home, Love Bug seemed to enjoy the walk a bit more. I fully expected to see the van parked in front of the house by the time we got home just before 2 pm. My expectations were met with bitter disappointment. Not only did Primero not come home by the time he promised, but he didn’t even bother to message me about his change in plans. I was quite displeased. I text him and he eventually responded that he had fallen asleep and would be home by 4.


Rewind for a moment to the night before. Primero had borrowed the van to take his Toxic Friend to meet his ride to his new job. Toxic Friend forgot his sneakers in the van, so after he came home Primero ended up having to trek 45 minutes out to Toxic Friend’s job to give him the proper footwear. The kids and I ate dinner and walked to the park. Primero had sent me a few text messages extolling the virtues of Toxic Friend and how he was there for Primero when we were fighting, totally over-looking the fact that we were fighting because of Toxic Friend. After running his errand, Primero found us at the park and actually played with the kids for a few minutes before we all went to the grocery store together to get a few things. That night Primero sat with me on the couch and we watched an old favorite show together. He even laid his head on my lap and asked me to play with his hair. It was like old times.


So, when Primero came home from Toxic Friend’s house on Saturday we talked about how he could not take the van, promise to be home by a certain time and then not show up and not contact me. I said he was going on a van ban and he said he already promised to take Toxic Friend to meet his ride to work and if he didn’t take him Toxic Friend would miss his ride because it was already too late for him to walk. I begrudgingly agreed, making Primero promise to perform another task (repainting the front porch posts) to make up for it. I made the kids dinner and waited to make Primero his share when he got home. I knew how long it should take to go where he was going and yet Primero wasn’t home yet. So, I called him. It turns out he drove to pick up his sister, without telling me, and they were at the gas station buying junk food when I called him. I let Primero know his van ban now just got longer.


Despite the car issues, Primero decided to clean the living room, including taking the throw rug outside and scrubbing it. We worked together to get the pet smell out of the rug and then carried the heavy, water-logged rug to the backyard to hang it over the fence to dry. After I bathed the children and put them to bed, to my surprise, Primero queued up our show again and we watched it together. It was like old times, briefly, but I was enjoying having my Primero back. As the night was drawing to a close, Primero announced he was going to leave before 7 am to walk to Toxic Friend’s house (because he needs to be there by the time Toxic Friend gets home from work - because, you know he's a 50's housewife and he needs to make himself look pretty and meet Toxic Friend at the door with a drink...) and planned on sleeping over, coming home Monday evening. This made me upset and, much to my chagrin, I acted like a total turd.  


I didn’t sleep well and I was awake to hear when Primero left at 7:08 am on Sunday. He had text me around 3 am stating I was being unfair and why did I care what he did during his summer break. I responded briefly and we didn’t speak again until Monday evening after I was home from work when Primero text stating he was spending the night again. I almost text back offering to pack his things and drop them off at Toxic Friend’s apartment, but I deleted the text before I sent it. Instead I said nothing. I talked a bit to Esperanza about it and she mentioned Primero complained to her about being hot (they only have one window AC unit and it didn’t cool the room Primero stayed in) and hungry. I shrugged and suggested he come home to our 74° house where there was food to eat and he could sleep in his own bed. Primero chose to stick it out.  


Before going to sleep Tuesday night, I text Primero an apology  and explained this sudden change with him staying out of the house for days on end wasn’t easy for me but I would try harder. He responded positively saying he knew even though we might fight, we are family and we would work it out. I picked him up at Toxic Friend’s house after work yesterday afternoon. He began telling me about his time with Toxic Friend and how it was so hot in the room that it was nearly unbearable. He hadn’t showered, so he wasn’t smelling the greatest (something out-of-character for Primero). He also hadn’t eaten since Sunday evening because when he tried eating the left-over pizza Toxic Friend “made him feel some type of way” and so he just didn’t eat. For two whole days. He drank water because he didn’t want to take anything from the household. When Toxic Friend lived with us, he was fine with eating whatever food we had available, including all of my string cheese on more than one occasion. Personally, it seems like miserable conditions and I would much rather be in the comfort of my own home than fasting in a hot house (and today Primero was having gastro issues because of this self-depravation). And, as if these conditions were not bad enough, Primero also explained how Toxic Friend acted like a jerk on more than one occasion. I question his sanity, to continue going back to this friend’s house to be starved, hot and mistreated. But, I cannot stop it. I really can’t think of anything on the face of this planet, both physical and metaphysical that would keep Primero from this friend. Even when the friend blocks him on all social media, Primero just shows up at his house to “fix” things. And round and round and round it goes. It’s nauseating but what can I do?