Codependency

My previous job, before I started working for the state, was in a drug and alcohol rehab. I worked in the admissions department which included doing intake calls from individuals and families wishing to enter rehab. In addition to the 30 day addiction programs for various age groups, including teenagers, there was also a co-dependency workshop. A few months before I left for my current job, I was sent to the Codependency workshop to observe. Co-workers who previously attended the workshop warned me I would be confronted with my own emotional things. But, in hearing the stories of what the participants endured, I ended up feeling incredibly grateful for my childhood. My parents were not perfect, but my childhood was a good one. Things unraveled in my teenage years, but the beginning was ideal. I left the workshop feeling confident I could identify codependency when I saw it. Fast forward to my current life and only recently codependency has smacked me in the face. Primero and his Toxic Friend are a textbook example of a codependent relationship.

 

Wikipedia defines codependency as “a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.” When I visited the website of my old employer they called codependency an attachment disorder. “Suffering from codependency involves habitual, self-destructive behaviors that arise from one’s need to be loved at all costs. This serious emotional and behavioral condition can apply to all types of relationships: family, work, friend, romantic, community and peer. Becoming codependent typically results from attachment disorder, due to the absence of trust-based relationships with caregivers during childhood. We often find codependency in families of addicts, where family members unknowingly interfere with recovery by enabling addiction.”

 

Primero supports his “friend” at all cost. His behaviors lately have been self-destructive. Last week we were shopping for an outfit Primero needed for the pre-prom party tonight. At one point Primero said ,”Old Primero would hate new Primero.” I found the proclamation disturbing but also revealing. Primero before Toxic Friend was healthier than current Primero because his codependency was not strangling him, causing issues with everyone in his life, and damaging every single relationship except the one with Toxic Friend. The scariest thing about codependency is the person suffering from the condition is totally blind to their plight. Primero would deny to the ends of the earth that he is codependent. I don’t know what it is about Toxic Friend that pulled out Primero’s attachment issues and I don’t know how to help Primero recognize it and seek help to get through it and be healthier. At one point recently, I asked Primero if he was using drugs because he was acting so different I thought perhaps chemicals were altering his brain chemistry. I went through the litany of signs to look out for, the things I would rattle off to family members unsure if their loved one had an addiction during the intake calls. I was scared to admit Primero was ticking off more boxes than not. I concluded he was addicted to his dysfunctional friendship. I wasn’t far off.

 

Giving name to what’s going on with Primero is only a fraction of the battle. The real war is trying to get Primero to recognize he needs help. He is adamant about never seeing a therapist again. He also doesn’t think he has a problem. I don’t know how to get him to see reality because he acknowledges his Toxic Friend uses him and isn’t a very good friend. He acknowledges his Toxic Friend only contacts him when he wants something or needs help with something. Primero has told me on occasion that his is not only ok with being used but he likes being able to “help” his friend. How do you help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? The only thing I know to do is to keep talking to him, keep loving him, and pray for his change of heart….

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