How to Move Forward

 My therapist asked me what I hoped to get out of the family therapy I have scheduled with Primero. I didn’t have a ready answer because honestly I felt like I had reached the end of my rope. I envisioned using the appointment as a way to tell Primero he needed to move out, find a new place to live. But, that seemed counter-intuitive to the purpose of counseling. So, I’ve been mulling over what it is I want, what I hope to get out of the therapy. I don’t have very concrete ideas. I was telling myself and Primero our relationship was irreparably broken. I didn’t think there was anything left to fix; the pieces had shattered into shards so tiny no amount of glue could coax them back together. Primero said if I felt that way, there is no reason to go to therapy. He wasn’t wrong, but at the same time I feel like I need to try.

 

Months ago, during another rough patch I wrote this. I realized at that moment, I didn’t want to be just another person to give up on Primero when the going gets tough. As this difficult year (I’m counting the year from Primero’s 18^th birthday last year, when he took the stance “I’m an adult now and no one can tell me what to do.”) kept dealing new fights and the tensions mounted, I needed to find a release, a way to let go of the pent-up anger I felt about how Primero was acting and treating me. The constant little (and not so little) hurts dug under my skin and I really felt like I needed to do something drastic to make it all stop. Eliminate the issue, remove the problem, and then I should be able to heal and move on. But, it isn’t so easy with family, is it?

 

I still feel stuck between contrasting ideas – I want Primero to leave and take all these problems with him and I want to find a way to live harmoniously without all the tension, anger and pain. In therapy, I hope to be heard. I really want Primero to hear and understand, as much as I’m sure he wants the same thing. He told me yesterday and he has told me this in the past, he feels stuck between our family (me and the kids) and his family (biological family). The question is why? Do I do things that make him feel that way? Does he make himself feel that way? Why must we be kept separate? Are we not all his family, just with different ties that bind us? The second thing I hope to gain from family therapy with Primero is a healthy way forward. I don’t know if that means living together or separate, but currently what is going on is unsustainable. And nothing changes if nothing changes. I know I am not perfect, I know I have made plenty, probably millions, of mistakes, so I know this isn’t all about Primero making changes. I guess it all boils down to how willing we are to work on it, together and separately.

 

Over the weekend Primero went to spend the night with his mom and aunt. He sent me a very long text about a lot of things. The one thing that stuck out to me was a comment he made about “all of this stuff being gone someday.” He was referring to the things that his stipend pays for and it seems he worries about what life might be like when that is over and he will be on his own. As exciting as it is to be a grown up and make your own choices, it is also scary to have to feel the full weight of the responsibility of being on your own. The thing is, up until things began falling apart, I never told Primero he needed to leave. I told him our house would be his home until he felt ready to leave. Yes, I have the expectation that he find a job and learn to be financially responsible, but he could do that with the safety net of home there to keep him afloat. Striking out on your own isn’t always easy, but it is a necessary part of growing up.  Has this worry been the driving force behind his behaviors? I don’t know. Hopefully, we can get to the heart of the matter and work through all the hard stuff.