Little Pieces

     It’s the little things that get me; the small occurrences that sometimes cut me to the bone and leave me aching, longing, hurting. Last week there had been a few of these occurrences. One happened Tuesday night. Nearly every Tuesday night I attend a success meeting for my Mary Kay business. This past Tuesday night there was a new consultant attending, who happens to be pregnant. As the director was explaining a challenge for us consultants to achieve (that is to sell 10 sets of the Satin Hands), New Consultant made a face and the director thought it was about the challenge. Nope. New Consultant explained that she made a face because the baby just started kicking and she/he was stuck up under her ribs and it took her breath away. A small kick. A huge reminder of the miracle New Consultant is blessed to be experiencing. I felt a burning behind my eyes and my stomach clenched in anguish. I stared at my trembling hands, taking deep breaths, hoping no one saw the tears gathering in my eyes.    
     Last Thursday at work I received the electronic edition of our monthly Employee Bulletin Board, which usually showcases 4-5 new items for employees around the state. The last one on the list was Text4Baby: Information for New and Expecting Mothers. I wondered to myself if “expecting” mothers might be extended to include a mother expecting a baby/child through adoption. So, I foolishly clicked on the link. The link explained that this is for new or expecting mothers to get information on newborn care and healthy pregnancy. It can be timed according to your due date. I guess adopting mothers don’t have to worry about their baby’s nutrition or prenatal care. It reminded me that right now, my baby is in the care of another person; someone who might not be willing or able to care for him/her in the way I would want. I said a quick prayer that whoever the biological mother of my baby is, that she is taking precautions to care for the precious life of a baby that will be ours.    
   One night last week Flaco and I were laying facing one another in bed, chatting and dozing off. Flaco scooted over leaving space between us and then he said, “Can you imagine having a baby laying here between us?” The imagery touched my heart and I knew that Flaco has been dreaming and imagining what it will be like to finally have our baby, just like I have been doing. We could both see this precious baby in our lives, although he/she remains intangible right now. It was such a poignant moment, one that both makes me hopeful and leaves me feeling so despondent.      
     I have nearly all of the paperwork filled out, I just need some clarification from the adoption agency. I called and left a message for Consuelo last Friday and also sent her an email with all the questions I have. She returned my call and left two messages for me on my cell phone on Wednesday, but was out of the office yesterday. I plan to call her today to ask those questions and I hope we can move this along. Flaco and I will attend the trainings in August and September and hopefully all of the clearances will come through by then. I don’t know how quickly a baby will be placed with us, I just keep praying that God will send us the child He meant us to have.