It Must

I got a call this morning. Not good news, but not unexpected. The three little girls are going somewhere else. I’m rejected yet again. I just hate this waiting, these up and down emotions! What is the point to this all? There is none. I keep thinking there must be a purpose to it all, something I need to learn, something I need to get right in order to pass to the next level. But, I look at this long road behind me and all I see is the pain and heartache of it all. Maybe I can’t see the forest for the trees. Maybe there is some lesson in holding on, in being strong, in not giving up. Maybe life just likes to piss all over your dreams without whim or care. I ask why but no answer is forthcoming. And I feel trapped in this purgatory at the gates of hell, just circling and circling true happiness but never being able to grasp it, never being let in. Five years is a long time to wait for something that feels like it’s a part of your heart. And if waiting were all I was doing perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s the constant feeling of loss that makes this wait unbearable. Loss associated with infertility, which is a multifaceted beast always lurking in your peripheral vision waiting to pounce on you at any sign of weakness. Loss of a marriage and the person he was and I was and what we were supposed to be. Loss of children, not to death, but to oblivion. Loss of children who were never mine, just like these three girls, just like the Christmas miracle baby. Loss of hope – the greatest loss of all. I’m being eaten alive, one tiny chunk at a time and I am powerless to stop this thing from consuming me.

 

But, my baby must be close! Just because I want it to be so, just because I feel like I’ve been through enough already and it’s my time, dammit! It’s my turn! I will stomp my feet and have a hissy fit right here and now. Enough is enough. No more. I demand it be so, I demand it be over and I get to grab hold of what I’ve been waiting for all these years. I won’t take no for an answer, I won’t listen to doubt and disbelief. All that is over now. Do you hear me? OVER! I’m done with it, done with the pain, done with the tears, done with the loss. DONE! My baby is nearly here because he/she must be. What more could I possibly have to endure? I’ve already lost it all, there is nothing more I can lose, nothing more that can be sacrificed to this dream. My baby is just beating a path to me now, within view, within grasp. Today could be the day. Or tomorrow, or the next day, or next week. Because he/she must be nearly here. This must soon be over. Because it must be. Because it must. It must…….