It won't be needed

I took the baby clothing back last night. The sales clerk wanted to know why it was being returned. My friend was along with me and she blurted out, “we didn’t get the baby.” I was going for a “it won’t be needed” approach but she beat me to the punch. I tried to disassociate myself and stay emotionless as she calmly checked each item off the receipt and carefully folded the tiny clothing. I’m such a fool for rushing out and buying the clothing in the first place. At least I was able to return it and get a full refund, minus the few outfits I washed in anticipation. I learned a valuable lesson here. I just wish some lessons weren’t so darn painful…….

 

There’s not a whole lot more I have to say. I felt especially strong pangs of bitter disappointment last night when I was trying to go to sleep. I reminded myself of some of the things people said to me – maybe this wasn’t meant to be because you would have to be taking off all the time to take the baby to the doctor. Or, maybe you will get him in 30 days free and clear and that’s how it’s supposed to happen. Or any other number of platitudes I heard. Sometimes if softens the blows and sometimes it doesn’t. Mostly, I’m over it and I’ve moved on, back into the world of waiting. I guess taking the baby clothing back struck a nerve that’s still a little raw and I thought about the whole scenario again. It’s better not to think about it, just to let it go and move on.

 

The night before last night I dreamt that I was in labor. It was one of the those dreams where you fall into a deeper sleep and as you come out of it the dream picks up right where it left off, so I dreamt it all night long. In the dream all I wanted to do was walk. Just walk around up and down the hospital hallways. The doctor wanted me to lie still so he could check the baby to make sure he/she was ok, but I refused. Apparently, I found it more bearable to endure the contractions if I was walking. I never gave birth, I was just in labor all night long. It was not a restful night’s sleep. I believe that sometimes our dreams can tell us things, but this one I think was just a reminder of the struggle from these past 5 years. I’m in labor but I have not yet given birth and so I walk on.   

 

Friday my family case manager is coming over for my annual review. And I need to get the animals to the vet. Blah. The paperwork drives me batty sometimes! But, that’s life. I’m not really looking forward to her visit. I’m sure she’ll tell me I need to stay positive and that some placement will come my way, blah, blah, blah. The same thing she’s said the past two years. What makes this year any different? A friend told me I have done a lot of things to bring me luck this year. First, on New Year’s day I took a polar bear plunge (it was for a charity – the water was roughly 36 degrees and the air temperature was hovering around 28 degrees). I had the traditional pork and sauerkraut dinner on New Year’s day, which is supposed to bring luck. And I (unintentionally) left my Christmas tree up until the Epiphany (Day of the Three Kings) which was Monday. So, there you go. Still, I think I will reserve judgment on this year for a little while yet. I guess you can call me pessimistically optimistic.