Being Selfish

I feel awful, just down right awful. The kids case worker called me today to ask if I would take him in full-time. I told her, if I was just doing foster care it would be an easy yes. But, I’m waiting to adopt and taking him in would mean it would take longer. I’m being selfish. I don’t want this kid to feel unwanted because that is not the case. The case worker admitted the county told her, despite the kids claims he would be going home in another month, it will still be awhile until he can return to his mother. I can’t let myself get wrapped up in that again. I know I did the right thing (right? I did the right thing didn’t I?) but I just feel sick to my stomach about it. Like I want to call the case worker back and say, “Just kidding! I’ll take him!” But, I don’t want to go there again, I don’t want to be angry with myself for taking on a foster care case and then whining about not being a mother yet. If I’m going to stick to this year thing I need to make sure I stick to taking in *only* adoptable kids. Now I dread seeing him this weekend because I know he’s going to be upset. He had this whole thing figured out in his head, despite the roadblocks I put in front of him. I guess I should have been more forceful in saying no, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Ugh! I hate this!