Dose of Disappointments

I had another snow day yesterday, well, an “ice” day really. I was in a much better frame of mind and actually got some things done around the house. I culled and filed all my loose paperwork – a task I detest and only perform once or twice a year. It’s good to be organized, even if it only lasts a short period of time. I couldn’t work up the motivation to really get the whole house cleaned, the paperwork did me in. Plus, with this messy winter, keeping my faux wood and tile floors clean is nearly impossible. I would have to wash the floors after every single trip outdoors. Spring will be here eventually……

 

One odd thing that happened yesterday, as I was preparing to go into work (we were initially given a 3 hour delay) I got a text. It was from the mom of the kiddos I had last year. She wanted to know the name of their pediatrician again. I had sent her this information before, so I just resent that same text which asked how the kids are doing. She replied she was having a bad morning but the kids were doing well. She wanted to know if I had any “new kids” and I told her I had had a few temporary placements (respites are temporary, right?) but I’m still waiting for something permanent. She told me she hopes I get a placement soon and that I would make a good mom. Really? This is the same chick who screamed at me about letting the older child talk to her grandmother and father and demanded I don’t let the children call me “mommy.” It’s easy to be nice via text. She then asked me for the dentists information, which I sent to her and our conversation ended. It’s so strange to get a text from her out of the blue like that. I guess it’s not a bad thing because it kind of leaves the door open for me to check up on the kids. Although, she could tell me anything via text and I would have no way to be sure she was telling the truth. I miss the kids a lot and wish I could see them, give them big hugs. I hope they are doing as well as their mother claims they are……

 

Being home alone has brought me a lot of time to contemplate things and my life in general. I have waited the entire month of October (the kids left on the first, so I count the whole month), November, December, and January. It’s now February and this month is quickly slipping away. I can’t even keep up the façade, I’m impatient and tired of waiting. I have ten vacation days saved to take some time off when I first get my new placement. I don’t plan on using all the days, but I’m still letting them accumulate for the occasion, assuming the day will come when I will have need to use them…… to say I’m discouraged is a vast understatement. Today I’ve been trying to dig deep and find the motivation to believe “today could be the day!” but it rings hollow in my ears. From time to time I still have dreams of holding a baby, but this does not satiate my thirst for my own child, instead it magnifies my parched condition. I try to convince myself I am in a marathon, not a sprint and this period of waiting could be not even half-over at this point. I hope I am wrong and I hope the phone will ring today or tomorrow or the next day. But, do you know what they call doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different results? Insane.

 

A co-worker told me at the end of the work day today that she is expecting. Accidentally. She just found out. Her boyfriend (they've been together since this summer) and she just decided they would start trying next month and get real serious about it after the summer. She's 35 and assumed it wouldn't be so easy to get pregnant. Psh, I've heard that one before! No need to worry! Prego! Excuse me while I vomit. Of course I wasn't so mean to her, I congratulated her and promised prayers and blessings because she's "freaking out a little." I hate her. She can now join the other "accidentally" pregnant co-worker who is due in April/May. Why can't I get accidentally pregnant? Oh, right........

 

Tonight Montana announced he is going to accompany his best friend to Florida next week to help his friend move to be a flight instructor. He's leaving Thursday, meaning he will be gone for Valentine's Day. Screw that horrid made-up holiday! I hate that day! (Lest we forget why, this was the day Flaco announced our marriage was over two years ago now). So, after today's disappointments, I need to recoup and get my game face back on. Some deep breaths. And maybe a big fat glass of wine........