Same Old Story

I’m struggling again. It’s an old story. One I am sick of living. Life was buzzing along and then –whamo! – my car breaks down and I lose it. Yesterday it snowed – a lot. More than I thought it was supposed to snow. They closed our office and I was home alone all day long. Alone. All day. I was not in a great mood. Usually, I like having a surprise day off. But, yesterday I was not good company to be around. I just feel so beat up by life and I’m reaching the end of my rope. I know we are told that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but I feel like He’s getting awfully close. I can’t see a way of out of this dilemma (the car is not an easy fix although my dad thinks he can fix it, time is also an issue for him since he has very little to devote to fixing my car – buying a new car is out of the question since I have zero available cash to pay for new wheels) and I have grown weary from the constant barrage of difficulties that is my life. I don’t want to sit here and recount all the difficulties of the past few years but I feel them in my bones, I feel the weight of it all bending my shoulders to the ground. It seems silly to be so upset about losing a car I generally hated, but it’s not about the car, it’s my loss of independence and self-reliance. Now, I have to get a ride to and from work every day (or take the bus). This weekend, the kid and I walked over 6 miles just to get movies and take them back (we walked to the red box and home, which is a 3 mile round trip – we had to do that 2 days in a row). The kid wanted to meet a friend at the mall, so we took the bus – well, two buses really. We ended up sitting at the bus station for 45 minutes waiting for our second bus on the way home. When I told my mom we had walked nearly 6 miles this past weekend, she told me I should be used to it from walking everywhere in Greece and Nicaragua. Thanks. That’s helpful. I also had heat exhaustion twice while walking home from where the bus left me in Nicaragua. If it’s so great to be without a car, why don’t you do it? Oh, right…… My good humor is gone, my patience has worn thin, I cannot take it anymore. I’m about to go postal here people, I am about to just use my next paycheck to hop a plane to some tropical island and never return. Do you think I’m kidding? I am not.

 

I talked to the kid this past weekend and I think he understands why he can’t come stay with me on a full-time basis. It’s not because I don’t want him, but I only have one tiny bedroom and if he is there I cannot get another (adoption) placement. I explained my home was approved for adoption and how I only had the room for one placement at a time. I did tell him, as well as his case worker, that he was welcome to stay with me anytime he likes. He is supposed to be coming back this weekend. He thinks he can still come every weekend, even after he is moved. I doubt this, but I didn’t tell him that. I’m hoping he will like his new foster home better than where he is at right now and then perhaps he won’t feel the need to come to my place – not because I don’t want him, but so he is able to bond with his new foster parents and feel comfortable in their home. At least I am feeling less like Cruella de Vil trying to skin precious puppies……

 

Last Friday I got a call for a potential placement. A 7 year old girl. It’s a BCCYS placement, so I already know the answer. I guess that’s why I said yes. That and the feeling of desperation that is beginning to seep into my soul. I have never felt farther from actually getting a placement than I do now. Despite having all my ducks in a row and having everything totally ready, I don’t feel like I will ever get the placement call and I will never again have a baby in my arms. Oh, I can hear all the people screaming at me to not lose hope, “it will happen,” to trust God, to stay positive. But guess what? My give a damn’s busted. And if you want to tell me about someone else who is “worse off” than me, save your breath. I don’t give a damn about that either. Hearing someone else’s tales of woe does not help me out of my situation and it only makes me more bitter because my bad isn’t bad enough. Screw it. For whatever reason, I’ve been handpicked to go through this miserable time. Apparently, one bad thing (like the death of my marriage, infertility, losing multiple placements, my refrigerator, my cars – the Neon and now the Taurus) is not enough, I need to be hit with one thing after another after another. And then have a carrot dropped in my face, so I believe in the possibility of something good happening (the Christmas miracle baby) only to yank it away again. I’ve had enough. Do you hear me? ENOUGH! Where’s the good that I’ve been waiting for and praying for and hoping for? I guess it got lost and went to someone else instead. I’m treading water here and the sharks are beginning to circle………