A Kind of Son

Last night right before bed, he came right out and asked me. I don’t remember how the topic came up, probably something to do with the visit today, but I was in his room to put away some shoes (since I still occupy the closet in his room) and he was talking to me. He got quiet for a moment and said, “this is hard to say.” I had my back to him, so I turned to look at him and he said, “If things got really bad with my mom, would you adopt me?” Whoa! Hold the phone! I took a moment to take in this question because even though it’s not an official, legal question, it’s still a BIG question. I mean, this is a life altering decision to make – for both my life and his. And it’s a big, huge, gigantic, enormous deal for a kid to ask that question, so the answer should not be flippant. I mean, talk about putting yourself out there! It’s like asking someone to marry you on a Jumbotron in front of thousands of sports fans – that kind of big. I took a deep breath then answered his question with a question of my own, “Would you want me to adopt you?” Without hesitation he said yes.

“Adoption is permanent. It’s forever. You know that right?”

“Yes, it would be like I’m kind of your son.”

“There’s no ‘kind of son,’ no ‘foster son’ you would be my son, period. And it would mean everyone else would go away too, so no more case workers, visits, things like that. It would be just you and me.”

He hugged me. I said, “Yes, I would keep you and you would be my son.”

 

Earlier at dinner we were talking about how his therapist at CHOR asked him how he liked it at my place. He said, “I told her I don’t like it, I love it.” I told him he was silly and then I asked him what was so great about my place; the house is tiny,  and I make him do chores (very few chores) and go to un-fun stuff like my beekeeping classes. He said even when I make him do stuff he doesn’t like he can make it fun. He said he told the CHOR worker last week that he likes that I ask him if he’s ok doing the stuff with me and I always try to find something fun to do with him, stuff he likes to do that we can do together. He told me something he’s mentioned to me before, that I feel more like a mother to him than his biological mother. In two short months? It makes me sad. It makes me sad that he’s had to go through all he’s been through. It makes me sad that we didn’t find each other sooner. I cannot explain why our paths diverged when and how they did, but there is an undeniable feeling of destiny to it. From the first phone call in which I was outraged that CHOR would even consider asking me to take in another full-time foster placement to the second phone call and subsequent weeks of weekend respite, the call to take him as a temporary foster placement, up to my decision to keep him as a permanent foster placement. If I had been asked to adopt him during the first phone call back in November, it never would have happened. And yet last night I said yes, I would keep him, I would call him my son. Not to say that that is what will happen, because we are miles and miles from the end to this journey, but to even consider it requires some serious divine intervention. I was never interested in adopting an older child, even though that might have been easier. And the pre-teen foster daughter I had a few years ago confirmed this decision for me. She had too many behavioral issues that I just wasn’t able to overcome and I erroneously thought she represented most older foster children, so I turned my attention to the little ones. The younger ones can be shaped more readily to fit into their adoptive families, rather than trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. But, this kid is special. We hit it off almost immediately. For the first few weekends in respite I would relish when his foster mother picked him up to have the house to myself again but as time wore on I looked forward to him coming more than him leaving and now I’m at the point where I miss him when I’m at working during the day and look forward to spending time with him at night and on the weekends. I would much rather think about having him stay forever than having him leave because I know that would be so, so, so hard – one of the hardest kids to lose. I haven’t really expressed to anyone, other than the kid himself, that if given the option I would adopt him. First and foremost because these conversations we are having are not the be all, end all – there are many, many steps between now and full-fledged adoption and at any point his mother could turn it around and get him back. Maybe if she gets an inkling that she could lose him forever (one of the things I said to him was that it would be important for him to keep in contact with his family, even if he were adopted) it will shake her and she will turn it around so as not to lose him. I know what a great kid he is, so I’m sure she knows too. It’s strange to simultaneously hope his mother gets her act together while also hoping he can stay permanently. Part of me wants to get jealous and stake my claim, scream “he’s mine!” but the other part of me wants what is best for the kid, even if that does mean leaving me. I’ve said it before and I will say it again – being a foster parent is not for sissys!  

 

The kid said the same thing about his mom, that he dually wants to go home with her as much as he wants to stay with me. I promised that I would never force him to choose between her and me and I also promised that I would always be available to him in any capacity he needed me, be that as a foster mother, an adoptive mother, or just a shoulder to cry on. He said his mother had been crying during their visit today because she met with the county case worker and was basically told she was in danger of losing custody of her son (I'm surmising from what the kid told that this was the conversation). She told him he was too old to be adopted (what?!) but that the county was looking for someone to take legal guardianship of him. It's a hard thing, a very hard thing. My heart is screaming that I want to make him mine but my head is telling me this decision is up to a county and system I have no trust in. I guess in part I have already begun mourning the loss I fear is coming. At least being an older kid, he can keep in touch with me and let me know how he's doing. Small solace that is.  

 

Do I still want to and hope to adopt a baby? My family worker from CHOR called me today asking me this same question – if things are on hold or if things are moving forward. I am waiting on my income tax check to begin the basement project. I suppose until the project is complete things are on hold, but in my heart they are not. I am still hoping to adopt a baby or young child, even if I keep the kid I have now. I did not tell her that, I just told her I was still hoping to adopt and if things need to be on hold right now due to space constraints, I understand. She said that “they” were still looking for me and thinking of me when referrals for adoption are sent to them, so things really aren’t on hold, it’s just a matter of finding an appropriate placement for me. So, yes I still hope I can adopt but having this awesome kid with me right now allows me to wait more contentedly for a baby.