In Exodus 17:11-12 a scene is described when Moses had to hold his hands up for the Israelites to defeat the Amalekites during battle. If Moses let his hands fall, the Amalekites would begin overpowering the Israelite army. When Moses’ arms grew weary his brother Aaron and another man, Hur, sat him on a rock and held his hands up for him, thus defeating the Amalekite army. We were at the farm Sunday night, getting ready to leave. My mom had gone to take a shower and wash her hair. Before she went upstairs she expressed her trepidation about washing her hair because it had been coming out in thicker clumps now. As the kid and I sat on the kitchen floor trying to keep the new puppy awake (my parents got a new puppy on Saturday – an adorable yellow lab puppy they named Tucker), my mom called my name. I could hear the fear and sadness in her voice. I went upstairs and found her inside the bathroom sobbing. While washing her hair she managed to get a huge knot, a clump of hair roughly the size of a golf ball. She asked me to comb it out and her hair began falling out in handfuls. We decided to cut the hairball out and then trim the back. After I gave her a rough cut, leaving about 2 inches of spiky, patchy hair, she tried to shake out what she was losing but it was still so much she asked me to cut it as short as I could with the scissors, since we didn’t have a tool to shave it off. I put a towel over her shoulders and cut away as much hair as I could. When I was done, I cleaned up the fallen hair from the floor and emptied the trash can full of her lost locks. She sat in her dark bedroom and sobbed. I told her we were leaving and that I loved her. She asked my dad to not look at her without any hair. It breaks my heart. Before the hair loss incident, I reminded her she is strong and she can overcome this, even if it is hard and it’s painful. I hate that she has to go through this, I wish there was something I could do other than just listen to her when she cries, but there isn’t. This morning she is going to get her port fixed so hopefully it will work like it’s supposed to and her second round of chemo, scheduled for this Friday, will not be as traumatic. We hope......
I didn’t think it would happen, or that it could happen. Sure, it’s easy with the little ones who are so precious and adorable and in need of love. If you had asked me even 6 months ago I would have told you that I didn’t think I could love an older child or become attached to them the same way I did with the little ones. They come with too much baggage, they know too much, they are too attached to their parents or too engrained and set in their ways. But, it’s happened. I’m attached to this kid and I love him, just like the ones before him. I don’t know why, but for some reason he is supposed to be with me. I’m not sure if it’s because he needs me or if I need him, but for something that seems so strange at face value, it works. We make a good team. In fact, he’s told me if they were to give out an award for the best foster family, we would win. And I melt, when he leans on my shoulder and wraps his arms around me, seeking that comfort and warmth from a parental figure. I rub his back or stroke his hair and it’s just like holding the little ones and stroking their cheeks as a sign of fondness. He needs that love and affection just as much as the babies do, if not more. It’s almost surreal how well we get along and how quickly we’ve grown attached to one another. It’s not something I would have envisioned as being feasible, I guess because I have always been so fixated on babies. It’s hard to imagine what life would be like without the kid and so I don’t even think about it.
It’s a good thing we are close because of the bombshell the kid dropped on me this weekend. Last Thursday, when I got home from work the kid was meeting with one of the CHOR case workers who help kids put together a life story book, or something like that. I forget the name for it, but basically she talks to him about his family, his past, and where he wants to go in the future. At least, this is what I gather, since I am banished from these proceedings. So last week, they were in the kitchen and I was in the living room. Due to working in a cubicle farm for several years now I have developed a real knack for tuning out conversations around me, so I wasn’t really paying attention, until the case worker started talking in hushed tones. Then my spidey senses were a-tingling. I couldn’t hear all she was saying but I know she was asking him about his mom missing the past three visits and that he needs to consider what might be best for him, which could mean not going home to his mom and brother. She asked him what it was about my place that he liked. Again, I didn’t hear his response entirely, but he mentioned that he liked being in a place where he knew someone cared about him and focused just on him (since it is only he and I, I can be solely focused on him). In other words, he likes the one-on-one attention. I’m paraphrasing of course, but he knows I care for him. I heard the case worker asking if he would like to continue trying to have visits with his mom and he sighed then said yes, he would if she would just show up. I don’t know if she was trying to tell him something with this line of questioning or if it was just part and parcel of the job she does, but it had my head spinning. I stopped trying to listen, assuming I will know what I’m supposed to know when I’m supposed to know it.
After the case worker left the kid and I had a heart-to-heart regarding a small issue with school. I started by telling him all the good things I thought about him that I could write down in five minutes (an exercise I did at work when I was all worked up about the issue to remind myself of his good attributes, of which there are many). I told him how I strive to treat every child in my house just as I would treat my own child. I reminded him how much I cared for him and how I wanted him to be his best. Then I told him how we were going to fix this glitch and move past it. After we resolved the issue he got into a fight with his ex-girlfriend via text and said he was afraid he would get in trouble at school because of her. He mentioned getting suspended when he was living with his mom and that it wasn’t bad because they went out and did things. I told him with me, if he got suspended we would not be going out or doing anything. He would lose computer privileges, no movie nights, nothing. I said if he gets in trouble at school he is in trouble at home. He seemed almost glad about it and I remembered how he told me once before how he wished his mother had been a little more strict about things like that.
But, back to the bombshell. Saturday we talked about getting new phones. His phone from his mother is not turned on, so he cannot get or receive any phone calls and he can only text with an ap when there is wi-fi. I said if I were eligible for any upgrade then perhaps we could add a line and get him a new phone, but I said I didn’t want to do anything until after court next month because I didn’t want to get him a phone and then have him be gone in another six months. That’s when he said, “I’m not going anywhere.” I said we never know what will happen and that it is really out of our hands. I told him I would never ask him to leave but the county might have other plans. I told him we had no idea what was going to happen at court and that perhaps they might decide he will go home in a few more months. He told me what he and the CHOR worker were talking about on Thursday and that is how he has given up on his father ever being a real father to him and how he is about to give up on his mother. I asked him to explain what he meant. That’s when he said, “I was told it would be my choice to go back to my mom or not.” He went on to explain that he didn’t want to go back to her if she was not sincere in getting her act together, he didn’t want to live in that turmoil again (my words, not his but it’s the gist of what he was saying). That’s pretty mature thinking for a teenager! Part of me was suspicious because of my experience in the past being too gullible with foster kids who were just playing on my emotions to manipulate me, but I don’t think he’s that kind of kid (I mean, no more than any regular teen trying to get their parents to give them something). I told him that I don’t make decisions lightly but when I have made up my mind it’s a done deal. When I told him he could stay, I meant that he could stay as long as need be (of course thinking he would be going home to his mother at some point) and that I wouldn’t change my mind about that now. I joked that if he was 50 and still living with me I might toss him out at that point, to which he responded, “if you’re still alive,” meaning I would be so old if he were 50. Yikes bikes! Still, I couldn’t believe what he was saying. In essence, he would rather stay with me than return to the tumultuous life-style his mother lives. I guess you don’t know the value of stability unless you don’t have. I know he thinks the issue is resolved because we have made up our minds, but there are a whole host of entities that need to come to this decision before it’s a done deal. And, part of me wonders, if push comes to shove could he or would he make that decision, to not return to his mother or is he just hurt from her not showing up to visits the past couple of weeks? I don’t know. I had asked him last week if his mom missed visits with him in the past and he said she had missed a few but never three in a row. He talked to his brother last Thursday and his brother promised they would show up to the visit this week. The kid looked at it as lip service and basically said he would believe it when he sees it. Part of me wonderstomorrow so he can give her the gift (even though it will be a little early). And as contradictory as it sounds, I hope she does show up for his sake......
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