But What About a Baby?

The CHOR case worker asked if she and the county worker could come see Primero on Thursday afternoon. They will meet with him briefly before I come home from work. My guess is that they want to have a conversation with him regarding the legal process we are about to commence to make what we have already accepted in our hearts become true – we are mother and son. That’s sheer speculation, but with the letter coming in the mail yesterday demanding I produce the child for the court date next week, I have a feeling they want to get all their ducks in a row. And I’m sure they want the opportunity to talk to him without me present to be sure there is no coercion on my part. They need to be sure he understands all the ramifications of the decision that has been made because the judge will be inquiring as to his understanding of it all. At least, this is what I have read, having no personal experience to draw upon here. Primero wanted to know what would be discussed at the court date next week and I professed my ignorance because I have never been to court before. Our scheduled time for court isn’t until the afternoon, so I said that means he could go to school for a half day and I could go to work for a half day. He looked at me and said, “I think we’ll need our rest that day.” So I agreed to let him stay home from school and since I already put in my request to take the day off, I would stay home from work. I suggested we go out for brunch to relax before heading to the courthouse. Even though I have a better idea of what will be happening, I am still dreading the court session next week. I guess it’s just a necessary evil.

 

Over the weekend I posted on Facebook that “the winds of change finally seem to be blowing in my direction” or some other blather similar to that. I simply meant that after so many years of waiting and multiple “failed” placements (and by failed I mean that they didn’t get to stay with me – I suppose reunification with family is not considered a fail), having the opportunity to adopt Primero is a breath of fresh air and hopefully indicative of more good things to come. Some curious friends inquired as to what this post meant – they wanted to know the good news. A friend text me and asked me if I was getting a baby (even though she knew about Primero and that the CHOR case worker had asked me to take legal custody!!). When I told one curious co-worker she responded with happiness and then promptly told me that I was creating good karma which should lead to a biological or adoptive baby and she threw in meeting the man of my dreams for good measure. I feel like people are saying, “yeah, yeah, yeah that’s great that you’re adopting Primero, but what about a baby?” And I sincerely want to punch the people who tell me I’m still young and there is still hope for me to have a biological baby. Stop! They don’t know how the dream of having a biological baby almost killed me – I don’t mean a physical death, but death of my spirit, death of my inner being, it very nearly sucked the life right out of me. There’s no way I can go back to that, there is absolutely no way I can hold even a kernel of hope that I might get pregnant and produce a child. I can’t take that back, I cannot and I will not sink back into the world of infertility treatments and the maddening cycle of hope and despair. No. Not gonna happen. Could I find the man of my dreams and have his babies? I’m not saying it’s totally impossible but I can’t touch it, I can’t think it, I cannot imagine it could be reality. Could I adopt a baby after Primero and meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after that way? In this I can believe. But, I can’t help but feel disappointed that none but a few of my friends seem capable of letting me enjoy the moment I am in right now – becoming a mother by adopting Primero. It’s not that I don’t think of the future and of adopting an infant, but I want to enjoy adopting my first child before I rush onto the second. I want to wake up like I did Friday morning, after Primero declared he definitely wanted me to adopt him, thinking that this day was different, it was different because from that day forward I was going to be a mother. It’s hard to make myself understand the permanency of it after three years of fostering children – setting a schedule, falling in love and then having the rug yanked out from under us. Even if Primero does move out when he turns 18, I will still be his mother, forever. It’s amazing and scary all at once.