We had a quiet New Years at our place. We were not allowed
to have Hermano spend any time with us due to a rule from his foster agency
that all kids must be in their resource home for New Year’s Eve. They don’t
want kids out partying and causing a ruckus, which I get, but it was still
disappointing. Despite his total change in demeanor since bio mom was released
from jail, I still care for Hermano and will do what I can to help him get on a
better path in life. Right now he is very bitter about being in foster care and
his only thought, the entire driving force in his life, is to get back with his
bio mom, back into the mess of a life that he had that caused him to be sent to
a juvenile detention center and then foster care. It’s hard to not want to
shake the daylights out of him until he can see the gift he has been given to
turn his life around. He is especially depressed right now because he and his girlfriend/fiancé
broke up a few days ago. Their engagement lasted a little over a week. Not that
I want to see him hurt, but I’m so glad it’s over.
Things between Primero and I have been improving, but I
think it’s easy to get lulled into complacency. Primero is adept at burying
issues so deep that even he forgets they still exist. He admitted to me earlier
this week that it’s hard for him to let me parent him, it’s hard for him to get
out of “survivor mode” (his words) and just “be a kid.” I think that was
insightful of him and certainly true. He said even in his previous foster home
he was in survival mode because he wasn’t getting along with his foster father.
I told him it was important for him to relearn to be a kid because he needs
this time to develop more and not be stressed out over taking care of himself.
We have not talked about him wanting or not wanting to be adopted since right
before New Year’s. I think both our emotions are too raw for us to address that
right now. His case worker, who had been out of the office during all these calamities,
suggested we think about a few more joint therapy sessions. I started looking
for a support group for myself and have thus far only found something too far
away (in Philly). But, I did find some help on an adoption website and I’ve
made contact with a woman who’s story is eerily similar to mine (except, she’s
married, already has an adopted daughter, and her son is a little older than
mine). I’m hoping we can be a support to one another.
The Sunday after New Year’s we had a visit with the little
one’s grandmother. It was the best visit by far. In the past, the grandmother
brought along other siblings to the baby’s mother, and their children as well.
So, it was a big rowdy group. This last visit was just one older sister (yes,
we finally met one of the older siblings and she was a very nice young lady).
We thought it was going to be just the two I have but the older sister showed
up and we met her new foster mother (and I ended up taking the sister home – I’m
forever involved with this girl!). The grandmother confided in me that she was
thinking of adopting the older sister because she is bouncing around so much
and she just wants stability for the girl. She point-blank asked me if I would
adopt the younger two, should the case get to that point. I said I would and
she immediately prayed for that to happen, for me to adopt the little ones. She
said she doesn’t worry about them, she feels good knowing where they are and
would be happy to have me adopt them. Wow! I always felt like there was a
back-and-forth with her, like she did but she didn’t want me to adopt the little
ones. I think she saw how loved the baby is by me and by Primero and she knew
he would be well taken care of in our home. It was nice to know the grandmother
would give her blessing to the adoption and know that I would strive to keep
her involved in their lives.
Last night the babies had their first “community” visit with
their mom. It was at the library (keeping kids quiet in the library? I’m glad I
wasn’t there!). When I went to pick them up the baby was screaming and it was
reported that he spent the entire visit screaming and no one could figure out
why. He cried the whole way home until I held him and then he calmed down,
drank a bottle, and took a 20 minute cat nap. He was even more clingy last
night than he usually is, so maybe he was just reacting to being away from home
after spending so much time at home recently. I have no idea. He was fine again
this morning, although he seems to be developing a cough again.
So, in the midst of all the drama with Primero and Hermano
on Christmas and the days following, the little girl started having nightmares.
She wakes up screaming first for me and then for Primero if I don’t respond quickly
enough. The second night, she gave herself a bloody nose which was a mess to
clean up (I think she was picking her nose, since I saw her doing that for a
few days following and she had a second minor nose bleed from it). She’s been
falling asleep with the overhead light on, which I turn off when I go to sleep.
For five nights in a row she woke up screaming and crying and didn’t fall back
asleep for over an hour! It was brutal since the baby too woke me up a few
times. This week we’ve had a few good nights but at 5 o-clock this morning she
was at it again. She has always had a nightlight in her room, she has a little
machine that plays music and projects images on the ceiling, nothing has been
moved in her room, yet something triggered these nightmares. The therapist came
up with the idea of giving her a stuffed bear that she can tell her nightmares
to and the bear will make them silly stories instead. She doesn’t buy into it.
The second night with the bear she handed it to me and said, “I don’t want this
bear.” I asked her why not and she responded, “Because he pees in my bed and
makes it smelly.” Um, ok. This morning I gave her a sip of water, tucked her
back in and said she should go back to sleep. When I went to wake her at 7 she
had a melt-down because she was still tired. I know, tell me about it kid! The
baby woke me up at midnight and 4, so I know tired! I’m hoping she will be able
to readjust and get back to her regular sleeping habits. She has taken to
crying herself to sleep at night and with the light on, she plays until she
passes out. It’s less-than ideal but I don’t really know what else to do. It’s
odd to say this, but I feel like ever since she started therapy she’s been more
unruly and now has these nightmares.
So, back in October I alluded to a rumor that I didn’t believe, or perhaps didn’t want to believe to be true. I still only half believe it, but I saw what I think is proof last night. In October the grandmother showed me a text from her daughter stating she was expecting again. But she had just had the baby and was making a big deal about having a C-section and she even told her mother that she couldn’t have any more children because she had an emergency hysterectomy. When I reported what I was told to the county they denied the report of a hysterectomy and confirmed that it could be entirely possible. I didn’t notice anything more than a tiny tummy at court, something that one would expect of a woman who has had 9 kids, but last night I saw a noticeable bump. She could have been wearing some spanks under her dress at court, to suck that tummy in, but last night she was in sweats and it was noticeable. She is a thin woman and sometimes, when it’s that time of the month and there’s bloating and water retention, the tiny girls could look like they’ve got a bun in the oven. So, this could still be a false rumor at this point. But, I just could not get my eyes off her abdomen last night. If she is expecting and showing already, this baby could be born before “my” baby is even a year old! That’s total insanity!
When I reported this rumor to the county in October, I was
asked to take in the new baby. The case worker stated I would be their
preference. Fast-forward to me trying to take in Hermano and I was told my
limit is three kids because that is what I am licensed to have at this point.
That was not changed when my annual review occurred, at least not to my
knowledge. So, I highly doubt CHOR would allow the county to place the new baby
with me, despite their preference. I don’t know if a new pregnancy changes
things in terms of if/when the children could return home. I don’t even know
for sure she’s expecting – although as time goes on that will become more and
more obvious. The crazy thing to me is that this is the second mom I’ve worked
with to be having a baby while her older children are in foster care. How crazy
is that? I mean, I’m not one to want intrusion into our personal lives by any
government entity, but I do think I would be all for a requirement for
mandatory birth control for parents with children in the system. Let them get things
straightened out for their current children before adding any more innocent
lives to the mix. To me it shows just how irresponsible these mothers are, to
keep having babies with different men while others care for their children
because they cannot (or will not). It’s hard not to see a new baby as an
attempt to replace the children she lost.
So there you have it. Apparently 2015 will be just as
chaotic and crazy as 2014. Hopefully this year things will be made official for
Primero (assuming that this is what he wants) and perhaps the little ones as
well. As far as goals go, I’m hoping to get more organized and drop a few
pounds – things I resolve to do every year. Maybe I’ll get it right this year…..
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