On the Fence Fostering

First, we would like to know what drew you to foster parenting? 

 

What age child or children were you originally interested in fostering? 

 

Can you talk to us about how you decided to take an older child into your home?   

 

What did you find were the rewards and challenges of parenting an older youth?

 

You have also parented young children, how do the rewards and challenges differ?

 

What about the decision to adopt an older youth?  Was this difficult?

 

Above are the questions that were emailed to me for the television slot I was taping with CHOR. The only question I was asked was to explain how I became a foster parent, the rest of the session was adlibbed. It was fine, except I was asked a question I wasn’t really ready to answer. “If there is someone out there in the audience on the fence about fostering what would you tell them?” I hate my answer. My answer was some slop about children with breaking hearts and if you don’t do it who will – drivel and nonsense. Had I been better at thinking on my feet or had the luxury of formulating a coherent answer ahead of time it would have been less unicorns and rainbows and more realistic. Because, in all honesty, if someone was on the fence about fostering what I would tell them is don’t. Fostering is not the kind of thing to enter into lightly. I should know because that is sort of what I did. I was terribly ill-informed when I became a foster parent. Yes, even after the training classes. The classes could only penetrate so far into my brain, I had to live it to get it.

 

In order to be a good foster parent you have to be willing to sacrifice a lot – your time, your freedom, your home, your peace, your sovereignty over decision-making for your own home, your heart. You have to be willing to endure a lot – epic temper-tantrums by any age child, being the whipping boy for the child’s anger as well as the biological family’s anger, court proceedings that never accomplish anything, constantly delayed decisions or hurried unplanned ones, some societal distain, the pain of sending a child back into an unhealthy situation. You must have the patience of a saint, nerves of steel, and stamina of the Energizer Bunny. You must learn when to bite your tongue and when to speak up. You must learn to be the keeper of gobs of information because high turnover means things fall through the cracks. You must stubbornly push for services and keep talking until you are heard. You must remain professional even if a family member is berating you for things out of your control. And, above all, you must keep your heart open and compassionate for everyone the system churns through your presence.

 

If you are sitting on the fence, thinking this is a nice hobby you could take on to pass the time, do yourself a favor and take up knitting. When I was in the Peace Corps their logo was it’s “The Toughest Job You’ll Love.” Fostering is a much tougher job and while I can’t say I love fostering in and of itself, I do love the children. So, if you think you have what it takes, give your local foster agency a call. Trust me, no one will blame you for changing your mind….