The Baby is Here

Not my baby. The kids mother has given birth. She had a baby boy on Monday and the kids are having a visit to meet their new baby brother tomorrow. The new case worker was over at my place Tuesday night and she notified me of the baby's arrival and of the up-coming visit. We also discussed the timing of the kids going home. The case worker said she is not sure if the county might change the date for a week or two out, since the baby was late. She is not 100% sure that the kids will go home on the first after court or if a decision will be made for the date of return at court. She has a call into the county worker to get some insight into the situation. She is hoping to have an answer by Monday. I just go with the flow, like a little river plant firmly planted in the sandy bottom but swayed and moved by the ebb and flow of the current.

Friday I have a meeting with the adoption case worker to review my completed family profile. She called me today with a few lingering questions and said everything looks good but she does have some concern about how I will manage with the finances after the foster care support ends and the child is officially mine. I don't have any really great responses to that, only that I'm working my arse off to get out of debt and become more financially stable. If they decide to turn me away due to that reason, I guess my journey will be over and I will need to realize that I was never meant to be a mother. I guess I am just trying to be ok with whatever comes my way - good, bad, and everything else. I'm done fighting an uphill battle for everything.....

The End is Near

The kids are going home on my birthday, October 1^st. That is their next court date and it is expected that they will go home this same day. I don’t know why, but it bugs the hell outta me that they are leaving on my birthday. Maybe because I will remember that date all the more poignantly…. So I will be 32 and still childless. And I found out last week that someone at work who was so adamant about only having one child, is SURPRISE, unexpectedly expecting. Whatever…..

 

Last night I had a physical with my doctor and because I’m using a new baby-sitter I had to take the kids with me. It was a nightmare and one of the nurses (she works in a FAMILY doctor’s office, so you think she would be used to kids?) was blatantly unhappy and disapproving of the kids less than stellar behavior (something about being in a doctor’s office makes them act like total animals). Yesterday was a test of endurance, I swear; I woke up with massive cramps and bleeding through a tampon and overnight pad (thanks PCOS) about an hour before my alarm was set to go off, worked all day then grabbed the kids and raced to the doctor’s office where I was given a tetanus booster and TB test (do you have any idea how many needles I have had stuck in me just to get a child?) which made my arm sore only to go home and find the dog pulled one of the poopy diapers out of the trash (the baby had bad diarrhea over the weekend so I put Desatin on him and needed to use a stupid disposable instead of my usual cloth diapers which apparently the dog finds a delectable treat…) and smeared shit all over the living room rug. I kid you not, that was my Monday. Anyway, I needed to have the physical for the whole adoption profile thing to prove I am healthy enough to be a mother. I felt great about doing really good on my eye test, despite holding one screaming, squirming child (holding him after he ran off) and trying to get the other child to stop poking the nurse and the eye chart, demanding it was her turn. Go me! The only last thing I need before I am totally completed with the adoption profile is for the adoption case worker to come back one more time to observe me and the children (which now she needs to do before the first). Well, I need to go back to the doctor’s tomorrow to get my TB test read, but other than those two things, I am done!

 

As of the first of October, the children will have lived with me for 263 days – that is 8 months and 20 days (3 months and 12 days shy of a full year). My longest placement by far! Although I am anxious to move on, I also know I have not yet felt the pain of losing these kids after such an extended period of time together. I guess 8 months isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things, but looking back on the first few pictures I took of the kids, it makes me realize how much they have grown and how far they have come. I know my parents are devastated to lose the little guy, they love him so much. I’m trying to protect myself by looking forward. But, just yesterday I heard yet another horror story about a family potentially losing a baby they want to adopt because of the stupid system. I can’t let myself think about that either. I’m so tired of living in fear! First there was the fear that I would never get pregnant (and this fear was a realized), then the whole separation calamity and now not only do I fear I won’t be good enough for an agency to place a child with me, but I also fear that if and when they do, I could lose the baby to the whims of a corrupt, incorrigible, fickle, heartless system! I must only think positively. My baby is coming. Period. This next placement will be my child, end of discussion. I know that people have waiting longer than 5 years to become a parent, but I’m rounding third and headed home on my 5^th year of waiting (we decided the end of December 2008 to start trying in January of 2009) and praying and hoping to become a mother and at times it feels like that is all I will ever do – wait. I’m not even sure I will know what to do with myself when I do become a mother. I don’t know if it will feel real. I’ve been called “mommy” by all of my placements at one time or another. Some, like the two I have now, call me mommy all the time, others just once or twice. But, like everything else, I have had to harden my heart to hearing mommy and tell myself each and every time they evoke that precious name, “I’m not really their mommy, I’m just their foster mommy.” There is something gratifying about hearing the children call me mommy, I’m not gonna lie about that. But, it also hurts because soon they won’t be calling me anything. At night when I am drifting off to sleep, I tell myself stories about how it is going to happen; the call, meeting my child for the first time, going through the whole process and then the culmination of all the waiting ending in a court room somewhere with me and the baby all decked out and ecstatic about finally becoming a family. I dream of what my baby will look like, how old he/she will be, how he/she will fit into my life and my family. And I think of all the things we will do together. Most of the time I dream about being able to bring a baby home from the hospital, because this is my heart’s desire. But, I also don’t want to wait another 5 years for the possibility of that to happen, but it can’t hurt to dream, right? Oh but it can! Dreaming a dream that never comes true burns deep in my soul, consuming all that is within me…. I think back to the spring with the potential placement for two little boys, age 6 and 4 and how distraught I was about that whole scenario. I was upset because while I would be ok taking a 4-5 year old child with a younger sibling, I would hope the sibling would be a baby. I don’t know how to make that make sense to anyone other than myself. I hope that soon I can stop dreaming about if and when and start dreaming about all the wonderful things we will be doing together…… I’m looking forward to permanency. Right now, I have clothing for various ages and sexes tucked away “just in case.” I have a bedroom set up with a toddler bed (which can be converted into a crib) and a twin bed, never sure of what to expect. I have big Rubbermaid containers piled in my bedroom waiting to be moved on with these kids. I have various sizes of diapers, both disposables and cloth and I have 4 different sized car seats, for “whatever.” I have toys for various ages, I have baby food, baby bottles and formula (which, I need to make sure that hasn’t expired). I have a high chair and booster seat, a bassinet and baby tub. I have receiving blankets, cuddly blankets, a baby monitor, burp cloths, and bath toys. All I need now is a baby! So, if you are the praying sort, please send a few little words to the man upstairs and if you are not the praying sort, please cross a couple fingers that this journey to become a mother will soon be over and I will BE a mother……  

The Verdict

Court was yesterday and the children went home only for an overnight visit. I am getting the little guy back tonight and the older child will return on Monday (she got a longer stay because it is her birthday this weekend). But, things are no less confusing than before court. It seems like the immediate future was the only thing considered – no one really thought past the mom giving birth and how soon the children will return after that. My case worker suggested the children will be going home within the next 30 days. *** Quick side note, my case worker is leaving CHOR next Friday, so she will not be around to see this case to through to the bitter end…. *** The children will have extended overnight visits with their mother for the foreseeable future, although it sounds like there is some confusion regarding the dates/times of these visits.

 

Part of me is frustrated because I really thought they would be going home after court. It’s not that I want them to go, it’s just that I want to move on and get ready for *MY* child to come home. Of course, it makes more sense waiting until their mom has settled in with the new baby before sending them home to her – three children 4 and under is a lot to take care of! I don’t know if court needs to be set up again to determine when the kids can move, I know a big fat nothing. In reality, nothing has really changed in my world – these two kids come and go multiple times a week and I just try to straighten it all out in my head so I know what I am doing and where I need to be.

 

I have surprised myself with how calmly I took the news and while I was looking forward to getting on with my life and having an empty home just waiting to accept my permanent placement, I am not as frustrated as I have been in the past after hearing the court decrees. If nothing else, this case has taught me to just roll with the punches; one never knows what’s going to happen next. When these kids moved in with me, I was told they would be going home in 6-8 weeks. Then I was told their mother was pregnant and things were not looking good. All of a sudden things turned around and were looking swell again, until they weren’t….. Now things seem to be all good again, but mom is about to pop (so much for being due in November), so that’s the new hold up. I hear 30 days and say, “Yeah right! I will believe it when I see it!”

 

So, here we are! The placement that just won’t quit! Next week the children will be with me for 8 months, nearly doubling my previous placement record of 4 ½ months. If the children stay for another 30 days, that will put us at nearly 9 months together; ¾ of the year!! How insane is that?! Last year, I was so hoping to get a legal risk or adoption placement before Christmas, which didn’t happen. When Christmas came and went, I consoled myself by saying, “This is the last childless Christmas! Surely by next year I will have a permanent placement and be moving towards adoption.” I know it is only the beginning of September right now, but given that this 6-8 week placement has stretched into 8 months, it doesn’t seem too far-fetched that it could go a few more months. And, while I could be wrong, I think it will take some time for a legal risk/adoption placement to find me. Even if my personal statistic holds true of waiting roughly a month between placements, if these kids are with me beyond November, I will be childless yet again at Christmas time. I hated Christmas for the first time in my life last year. I hated being single (separated) and childless and just wanted the whole merry season to be over. Scrooge had nothing on my bah-humbug feelings! I guess I am getting ahead of myself now. For all I know the kids could go home in two weeks and it will all be over and I will be waiting for my child. I think I just worry about not being seen as “good enough” for a placement; I worry I will forever be over-looked for more “suitable” couples seeking to adopt an infant or young child. I keep telling myself that God is in control of this whole mess and that He has a good plan for my life, but I can’t help but feeling like I just don’t deserve to be blessed. I don’t know why, but I just feel like I simply do not deserve the blessing of motherhood. Maybe it has something to do with guilt over being a single mom and having to have my child go to daycare (I was never in daycare, my mom stayed home for 10 years with my younger siblings and me – but that was a different time, it is hard nowadays to live off of just one salary and have the other parent stay home with the children). I even find I have a hard time praying for the tiny bundle of joy I so desperately want…. Yes, I want an infant. I can still remember how wonderful (and a little scary) it felt when I had the 10 day old baby. My favorite time was at night, after the older girls went to bed and settled down and it was just me and the baby. I adored giving her a bath in her little tub on the kitchen table. I savored the smell of a clean baby as I lathered her with lotion and dressed her in her pajamas and wrapped her lovingly in her blanket. And then we would cuddle and I would doze for a bit until she decided she was hungry. We would cuddle some more as I fed her and burped her and then tucked her into bed. I loved her so dearly and was so crushed when she and her sisters left so quickly. I would have gladly kept them all! I cherish the memory of the precious little baby and ache so much for that experience to come back to me……   

 

I think I am feeling a little bit jaded in regards to foster care and adoption. The newness has worn off, the maliciousness of the system has been revealed and I have had to harden my heart to get through it all. I feel more calloused to the plight of the children and I hate that. But, caring as deeply as I did, wanting to see the “right thing” done to benefit the children, this only made me crazy and didn’t affect any change whatsoever. Everyone has different ways of coping and mine has been to stay focused on the future and what “will” happen. Worrying that these two kids might not be well-taken care of going home to an immature mother and brand new baby does me no good and does nothing for the children either. I learned the hard way that you don’t try to fight the system because you will get burned – big time. I pray to God I am wrong and that the children will go on to live fruitful and fulfilling lives in a happy family environment.

 

 

Dear God, please let my baby find me soon. Help me to keep my heart open, to keep up the hope and have faith that You have a good plan for my life. Help me to endure the time I will be waiting and to find encouragement from You and my friends and family. Thy will be done Lord. Amen.    

Bring Back that Lovin' Feeling

The more I say it, the more I think about all I need to do in the next two weeks, the sadder I become. Every time I try to envision myself sans kiddos, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that the good news is I can move forward and get a placement for adoption. When I try to imagine how the little ones will feel being back home with their mother and a new baby brother, I then try to imagine how I will feel finally accepting the child that I will call mine into my home (I don’t mean to be so me-centric, but there is nothing I can do about how bewildered the children will be or that they will not understand I have no abandoned them – I just pray they are resilient and can grow to be amazing, wonderful adults). Already I am anxious for the phone call from CHOR asking me if I’m willing to accept a placement and then telling me the placement is coming – my baby is coming!! I don’t want this joyful occasion to be overshadowed by loss, but I don’t think the loss will ever go away totally. I’ve never lost a pregnancy or had my child die, but losing a beloved foster placement is the next closest thing – I won’t ever see these kids again. Sure, I can stalk the relative on Facebook and get a glimpse now and again of the older child, but I won’t get to see what kind of young woman she becomes or just how big the little guy gets, if he retains his love of balls and books. And this makes my heart ache and my macho “they can go” façade crumble. I’ve never had a placement last this long! We have been through so much, they have grown so much – I just can’t imagine them gone! So, it might sound heartless, but I’ve been reminding myself of all the things I can do once my house is devoid of small children (at least until my baby comes).

 

I can go grocery shopping after work, rather than race to the baby-sitters and then race home

I can go out with my friends whenever I want, without first finding someone to watch the kids

I get to sleep in longer in the mornings before work, since I won’t be running children to daycare

I can actually sit down and eat my dinner uninterrupted!

I will be doing a lot less laundry

I can work on projects around my house even if no one is napping

The house will be in order all the time (unless the cats or dog mess it up…..)

I will be making just one bed in the morning, instead of three (ditto to breakfast)

No more worries about taking off work if someone gets sick (unless, I get sick)

I can go to the mall and now worry about a toddler melt-down

I can worship in church without holding a child until my arms go numb

No more WIC checks to try to figure out (the bane of my existence!) or a ‘fridge full of lactose free milk

I will be washing a lot less dishes!

My kitchen floor will not be sticky from some unidentifiable substance

I won’t trip over rubber duckies in the tub

I can watch movies other than “Monsters Inc.” or “Finding Nemo”

 

The list of the things I will miss is probably 3 times longer than this list, but I want to try to remain up-beat and positive. Something good will come out of this whole mess! I cling to the thought and the hope that my child is just moments from being in my home and in my arms! I mean, in two weeks, I could be getting that call and picking up a child TO KEEP! Sure, there will be a long time waiting for the whole legal/court thing to take place, but just knowing that this child is intended to be mine will make a world of difference! I know I need to be patient, because things might not pan out for a few months – being a young, single woman I’m pretty low in hierarchy of desirable parents. But, I hope and pray that I won’t wait long – in fact, I’m praying my child will be with me for my birthday (which is October 1^st – forego the flowers and just send chocolate, patu!! I’m kidding of course! What I would much rather prefer is cold hard cash!!! Hahaha!). I guess it is a good thing that my family profile is getting very near to being finished! I need to get a physical –bleck! – and potentially re-do my autobiography (which I think I already did), sign some paperwork and ¡voilá! I’m ready to rock and roll!! Although, my mom thinks I should take a break before moving forward with another placement. She thinks I should “do something” – what does this mean? Aren’t I doing something being a foster-to-adopt mother? And I do plenty of things with the kids! It’s rare that we don’t have something planned on the weekends, so I know that I keep plenty busy. Too busy, perhaps. But, I don’t want to take a break, I want to get a break-through! I want *my* baby! (Try not to read too much of a whine into that statement!) I have waited for nearly 5 years to become a mother and if I keep waiting then that is what my life will become – waiting on motherhood. My baby is coming; I am so sure of this I can nearly taste it! (Just a figure of speech! I don’t go around tasting babies!)

 

One thing I should clarify is that the county is not in agreement with whatever entity is pushing to get the kids home on the third – this is because baby numeró tres is due that same week. So, there is a slim chance that the children will not go home that same day but in a few days/weeks following. Regardless, I am using this date as the deadline for myself to get them ready to go in hopes that I can stay on the ready for any future moving plans. I don’t really understand all the players involved in this, I do not know who “they” are and I only assume that “we” is the county where the kids are from. All I am really concerning myself with is being ready to move ‘em out when they say the word “go.” If this sounds callous, it is just a self-preserving mechanism to help me keep myself together as I say good-bye. I can’t lose it over a placement that was never meant to be mine – they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks, remember? Despite those 6-8 weeks turning into 7+ months, this placement was always destined to return home. These two are not my kids. Time to open my home and my heart to *my* child. In the words of the sage yet simple Dory “Just keep swimmin’!”

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

I spoke to the county worker today and the over-night visits are supposedly going to start this week - tomorrow perhaps. A court date has been set for September 3^rd and it is possible that the children will be going home that same day. Of course, the new baby is also due in the next two weeks, so this all seems like a giant, jumbled mess (who would send two toddlers to a home with a brand-spanking new baby? This sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me, but of course no one ever does…). I need to get these kids packed because September 3^rd is only 2 weeks away! So, that is my focus now, to get their things cataloged and documented and then pack them up nice and tidy. The emotions have not hit me yet and probably won’t until the kids are gone. I’m not looking forward to the pain I will feel from losing them, but I am looking forward to moving on and getting *my* child home. I pray that my child comes quickly! 

Changing of the Guard

So, the older child has been kicked out of the daycare we’ve been using for the past 7 months. She has been nasty towards the other children and the daycare clients have complained, so she’s got to go. And just Wednesday the case worker declared things as “good” when she was dropping the children off after a visit. It is just too much on a little child to expect her to be in 4 homes every single week. It is simply too much for her and incredibly unhealthy, in my humble opinion. I called and notified my case worker that I needed assistance in finding a new daycare home for the kids asap or I will need to put in my 30 days notice because I need to work; I cannot lose my job because of what “the system” has done to these children. She said she would get back to me. I had this experience before (twice actually) with the older child I had – she was quite a terror – and I know that something will be figured out for them, but I hate to lose the stability and reliability and relationship with this foster parent. She was so easy-going and would keep the kids for me when I wanted to have evening excursions or just pick them up late or even keep them overnight on numerous occasions. This also throws a monkey wrench into the relative’s ability to not have to deal with me, by picking the child up at the daycare on her whim. It might also gum up the works for the therapist who sees the older child every Thursday morning at the daycare. But, it will all get worked out, I am sure. More distressing is the change I feel in myself. A small part of me has given up on the older child, given up trying to help see her through this and get her to the point where she is able to deal with it all. Her behaviors are not changing for the better and I fear this is now her permanent way of being – bratty, not listening, selfish, mean, undisciplined, and just basically not fun to be around. Worse, it is wearing off on her little brother. This afternoon I had a third and probably final meeting with the adoptions coordinator who is writing my family profile, so I left work early. I called and left a message for the county case worker asking her to call be back because I need to lay it on the line for her – I’m reaching the end of my rope with this placement and I need to let her know before I hit the very end. Perhaps she can give me an idea of what is happening, a time table for the kids to be going home. I would hate to have them moved when the kids would be gone in a few more weeks or months anyway. Of course, they were only supposed to be with me for 6-8 weeks (do I sound like a broken record with this? I feel like one…) and they have been with me now for over 7 months. I don’t want to be overly dramatic with this whole thing, but it is definitely a shake-up for the kids and my worry is if they do find another family to take the kids who’s to say the same things won’t happen again? She will be nasty to the other children and be asked to leave? Shouldn’t the issue of who is being nasty to her be addressed? And her little brother has begun acting like her when she is around, mostly because he takes the brunt of her behaviors and then acts out towards other children. When she is not around and it is just the two of us on the weekends, we do just fine. I think I just feel tired. Tired of dealing with issues that I have no control over, no ability to resolve and when I do voice an opinion it’s like my mouth is moving but no one hears a sound. Why do I keep these kids? Why should I not give up and make myself available for the next placement which will be mine to keep? How can I give up on two little children? The baby knows me as his mother, how can I ask him to leave? He would not understand! Even the older child views me as one of her mothers (see the previous post), how could I shove her away knowing she is attached in her own way and this would be another traumatic separation for her? The answer is, I can’t. Yes, it is hard – really, really hard some days and weeks – but, I need to live with myself and the decisions I make and knowing that I might have gotten rid of children because they were difficult and made things harder for me, this would not be something that would make me feel ok with myself. Let’s face it, as attached as the kids might be to me, I am attached to them as well. There, I said it. I try to be a hard ass but when they call me mommy, when they snuggle on my lap together or give me big hugs, my heart melts. So, we shall see where things go from here. We will find them a new daycare and see where things go from there….. But please tell me there is an end in sight!!!

The Beat Goes On

Tonight the children came back late from their visit and I had a solid two hours alone in my house. Although I was anticipating their arrival, I reminded myself that at some point in the (relatively?) near future my house will again be devoid of children clamoring for my attention. While short reprieves like the one this evening are welcomed, being alone in the house wishing the children were back "home" is not something I look forward to occurring. After seven months one gets rather accustomed to the way things are and reverting back to anxiously awaiting a new placement is not easy.

The older child, who is weeks away from a birthday (would you believe I never had any of my placements for their birthdays?), said something funny to me this morning. She asked where they were going today (she asks that a lot - probably due to never knowing what to expect in her tumultuous little life!) and when I told her she would going to visit her mommy she said, "Oh yeah! I'm going to visit my mommy. She is my mommy just like you are my mommy. I have two mommies!" It was both funny and sad; funny because she views both her biological mommy and me as equal mommy's to her and funny because when she says it like that it sounds like she is being raised by a lesbian couple (and this just makes me giggle - mostly because imaging myself with any woman let alone her mother is hard!). But it is sad because she has become so accustomed to such an unhealthy arrangement. I mean, in one way it is good that she is able to normalize an abnormal situation like, what doesn't everyone have two mommies? It is also sad because she will not always have two mommies loving her - one of us will fade into a distant memory and we both know who that will be..... So, I just told her she was right, she has two mommies who love her very much and isn't she so lucky? To which she responded, "No, I'm just a little girl." That's toddler logic for you right there!!!