50 First Dates

I don’t know if it’s the rampant baby fever (in the name of all things holy, why on earth to have the insatiable need to cuddle a tiny baby when the baby I do have still hardly manages to sleep through the night – I blame this on my biological clock ticking too loudly in my infertile womb) or knowing that teenagers spend most of their time trying to figure out how not to be at home, but I’ve begun seriously thinking about dating again. Or trying to date, I should say. I think I’m in a better place emotionally than I have been in a very long time (seems the December epiphany is still holding steady!) and well, I’m lonely. I don’t mean in a desperate sort of way, but more like, I need a partner in crime sort of way. I miss so much about being in a romantic relationship. Sure, I’ve tried dating in the past which was mostly a disaster, but if I’m honest with myself, my heart really wasn’t in it. It’s not that I didn’t want to date it’s just that it felt so gross – I don’t mean the guys (well, not all of them anyway), just the idea of it. On Valentine’s Day in a few weeks I will have been alone for 4 long years. The divorce is final and I really am feeling more optimistic and ready for a new relationship. I also don’t feel rushed. I feel like I can take my time to be picky and to not waste my time on guys I know I’m not compatible with. I don’t feel like I have to be a serial dater like I did in the past. I don’t know if I will try the online dating again or just try to get out more sans kiddos, but I think it’s time for me to take some action.

 

I’m hoping I can remain calm with this because for whatever reason, the idea of turning 35 later this year has really got me freaked out. As anyone in the infertile world knows, 35 is where the magic line is drawn between fertile and maternal age infertile, meaning if I found someone and by some miracle of God got pregnant, I would be in a higher risk due to my age. What a way to make a girl feel old! I know I chronicled my fears of turning 30, coupled with being childless, and I’m not quite to that level of anxiety about it, but still, it’s something that’s floating around in my head. Of course, on pessimistic days I tell myself I’m a total fool because there’s no way my lady parts will figure out baby making even if my age weren’t working against me. It didn’t work before why would it work now? Who knows? I’ve been having dreams, at least one per week, where I’m in my 40’s and pregnant for the first time. Ironically, one or more of the kids are becoming parents at the same time. The me in my dreams is at first incredulous to be found pregnant (she didn’t believe it was possible after all) and then sort of embarrassed to have an accidental pregnancy at her age. Still, the news is received with joy all around and the gorgeous Mr. Right in my dreams does and says all the right things to a hugely pregnant dream me. Some of the dreams are funny and some are more serious, but all end happily with boy/girl twins being born next door to whichever child (usually it tends to be Primero) is also having a baby.

 

So, I’m back in the saddle again and hoping this time it will result in more than a few (awkward) first dates!