Dish Washing Meltdown

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me my feelings about certain things seem to ebb and flow in odd patterns. I think I have a harder time than most people at letting go of certain things and certain expectations. I don’t know if that’s some Type A side of me trying to come out (you know, to control it all) or just a personality glitch. Regardless, there are times I find myself inexplicably upset about something I thought I had gotten “over” or was at least ok with.

 

The other night I about lost my marbles whilst washing dishes. It wasn’t the dish soap and hot water turning my hands to shrived old lady claws that got me, but the realization that by this time next year Hermano will be a father. His girlfriend is due the end of August and so by the holiday season a new little person will potentially be joining our holiday festivities (at least I hope he will visit us, I don’t really know). And this turned my insides to mush because of course my mind shouted, “TWO STUPID TEENAGERS WERE ABLE TO PROCREATE AND YOUR DUMB ADULT BODY CAN’T FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT!!!”  My inner mind isn’t always terribly kind apparently. I hate that everything seems to come back to my body’s utter lack of ability when it comes to babies. I wish I could say the ugly green monster of jealousy didn’t peek his hideous head up, but that too was a part of my emotional dish washing meltdown. I realized that this child (ok, she’s legally an adult, but still so young!) is going to have the privilege of feeling of a baby growing inside of her, something I will (most likely) never know no matter how old and wise I grow. I reminded myself of the New Year epiphany and about how much I wanted to maintain that level of satisfaction in my life which helped to ease the crazy meter down a notch or two. I also had to force myself to realize that eventually my children will become parents and it wouldn’t be fair to them for me to have this emotional breakdown over my losses compared to their joyous news. So, I calmed down, finished rinsing the last soapy dish and got on with my life. I also text both Hermano and his girlfriend to see how they were doing. Esperanza told me that Hermano will be allowed to attend the doctor visits with his girlfriend and I hope this is something that helps him to mature and prepare for fatherhood.

 

I still waver over how to deal with my own involvement. I don’t want to insert myself where I am not wanted or needed but at the same time I don’t want it to seem like I don’t care at all. It’s such a fine line to walk and I can’t promise I will ever really figure it out. I have the same struggles with Esperanza. I’m not her mom, not even her foster mom. But, I help her with things like doctor appointments and getting her birth certificate (which we got just after the first of the year! Hallelujah!) and I agreed to be her school guardian (mostly just to sign the IEP because she can’t sign it even though she’s 18). So, it’s strange. I try to offer advice and suggestions and I worry about her, just like I do Hermano. I guess it’s strange to worry about children that aren’t your own, but I think of them as mine in a small way. And, I see us as related through Primero, so I do care about them and their futures. Plus, that whole village thing, you know? If more people genuinely cared (not just to get their nose into other people’s business or anything like that) about kids and young people perhaps the world wouldn’t be the messed up place it is today. I don’t know. I can’t fix it all. I can only try to make my corner better in some small way. Am I doing that? Most of the time I feel like I’m just messing things up more than I’m actually helping. Regardless, I secretly hope that Hermano and his girlfriend will let us baby-sit from time to time. Is that stupid? Should I have any such expectations as that? I suppose not, but I just can’t seem to help myself. Esperanza, Primero and I were talking about the baby the other night. I said I hope they have a girl and Primero said he thinks that’s what they’re having. Esperanza hopes for a boy because she already has a niece. Hopefully, Hermano and his girlfriend will see the value in keeping their child in touch with his siblings and allow Esperanza and Primero to act as doting aunt and uncle. Like so many things, I suppose only time will tell.