My Motivation

Lately I have been thinking about my motivation to write this blog. Why do I do it? I started this blog seven years ago as a different person with a different motivation. I was drowning in the emotional terrors of infertility. I was married and we had been off birth control and actively trying to start a family for a little over two years when I began writing about my feelings and our journey. A year after I began my blog my whole world crumbled around me and I was left trying to put together the broken pieces and heal my broken heart. By this time I had discovered foster parenting and, while some might argue it brought me more pain, it also gave me a purpose. As time began to heal my wounds, I discovered my desire to be a mother was as strong as ever and I decided I would do it alone. I simply didn’t want to wait for a Mr. Right who might never appear. I decided to adopt alone. Paradoxically, I was also actively seeking a mate via on-line dating. Nothing was panning out and the one who came the closest only lasted five months. And so, here we are at present times. I’ve made it to motherhood, through the dark valleys that threatened to ensnare me in the pain of waiting, and I’m still single. I’m in a new territory, in a land I didn’t think I would ever witness and my life has twisted and turned into something I would never had guessed. The people most important to me now were unknown strangers when I began writing this blog. But, my motivation is the same – I write because it helps me sort out some pretty tough feelings. I write because sometimes re-reading my words helps me to understand them better. I write because it is my outlet for the stresses of being a single parent. I could make my blog private and be the sole reader, but there is also a community that comes along with blogging, especially in this infertile/adoptive world. So, I won’t be bullied into cutting everyone off. I will write. This is my story written from my point of view. The opinions are mine alone. I’m not a perfect person and I surely hope my blog doesn’t sound like me trying to act perfect. I’m just a fallible human being like everyone else on this big blue marble. I have faults and bad points and things I would like to change about myself. Many things in fact. But, I have some redeeming qualities as well and every now and again I get something right. My heart is nearly always in the right place, even if my mouth tries to say otherwise. I don’t intentionally try to hurt anyone, but no one is immune to a bad day or poor choice of words. I had hoped that anyone reading this blog would not see it as an opportunity to judge or condemn me, but rather as a glimpse into my inner thoughts on some really tough things. I feel like I have grown A LOT since starting this blog and I hope I will continue to grow. I’m more sinner than saint, more prickly than warm and cuddly, but I do have a good heart that seeks to help when I can. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I flub it up. To err is human. I’m going to keep writing about the things that happen in my life. If the consequence of that is someone using my words against me, so be it.