Worry Less

I have lost track of how many times I have dreamt I was pregnant. I know it’s a reoccurring theme in my dreams. I think it came up in my dreams last night because I was mentally patting myself on the back for a small victory in over-coming my infertile past. Tuesday night there was some scent or combination of scents in the house that was just driving me nuts. It got to the point it was making my head hurt. Primero spilled cinnamon and so he blamed it on that, but the smell wasn’t cinnamon. It was way more gross than that. Wednesday morning, as I was driving to a training at the capital about an hour away, the smell of dairy cow manure (this will sound strange, but I have a pretty good nose when it comes to discerning what type of manure I smell……) was making me feel sick to my stomach. I thought it was strange how strong smells were bothering me but not once during either of those times did my mind jump to PREGNANT with an aversion to smells! Maybe, that’s simply because it would be impossible (no sperm, no baby!), but I congratulated myself none the less. Obviously, the idea did eventually come to mind, which is how I knew to congratulate myself and thus the reason why I believe I was dreaming I was pregnant.

 

So, here’s the dream: I knew or suspected I was pregnant but I didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else because I was pregnant by my ex, Flaco. Why on earth he popped up in my dream, I do not know. I haven’t thought about him or seen him in a long time. The last time we spoke was when he brought the divorce paperwork over for me to sign. That was a long time ago! I did seem him at the neighbor’s house last fall but we did not speak. Not one word. I had nothing to say to him and no interest in hearing from him. I thought it was pretty strange he just showed up at the neighbor’s house out of the blue. So, in my dream I was pretty upset about the whole thing and I guess I was trying to deny it. I ended up starting to show and so decided I needed to come clean with myself and others and also get some prenatal care. In my dream the doctor’s office I went to was where my nurse practitioner used to work and where I had my first steady job in high school (yup, I washed the speculums!). My nurse practitioner doesn’t work there anymore, but whatev. So, her nurse (she doesn’t usually work with a nurse) was a male nurse (which, in real life I’m leery of men working in Ob/Gyn – I mean, come on!) named Nathaniel. He was gorgeous! Tall, muscular, dirty blond hair and green/blue eyes with a dazzling smile and just the sweetest bedside manner. In my dream he found me weeping in my van after hearing I was expecting twins during my first appointment. He sat in the passenger’s seat while eating his lunch and talked to me about EVERYTHING, including the fact that I was so ashamed about having slept with my ex and getting knocked up by him. Dear sweet nurse Nathaniel listened and then told me how courageous I was, how beautiful I was and asked me out to dinner. My dreams must be written by my inner teenager, because of course we fell in love over dinner and Nathaniel ended up being there with me when I gave birth to the twins (a boy and a girl). Flaco got jealous and tried to win me back by proposing marriage. To which, I responded there was no way in hell I would ever dream of getting married to him again. He then promptly disappeared (not unlike real life, I’d say) and I ended up marrying kind nurse Nathaniel and having a whole bushel more babies. You know, after we moved my current brood of 5 into his immense house because Nathaniel had inherited his grandparents enormous estate. Sadly, what I remember most about the dream is that feeling of shame.

 

So, now that the drama has slowed to more of a trickle with Esperanza, the wedding drama for my sister’s July nuptials has blown sky high. The mother of the groom had started planning the bridal shower and my mom is livid because she wasn’t informed and this isn’t how things are supposed to be done. She blames me because the mother of the groom has kept me in the loop and claimed I was all for the ideas and decisions she had made. I did approve the location for the shower, which my mom is mad about because it’s too far and the only time they have is inconvenient. She doesn’t think anyone from my sister’s side will be there. And, worse, she thinks I tried to keep things from her when really I was being bombarded with things at a time when my personal life was in an upheaval. We are having a meeting this weekend to try to sort things out and I am REALLY not looking forward to it at all.

 

When I say the drama with Esperanza is down to a trickle, I mean that Primero sometimes opens up to me about things because I know they bother him. He did tell me his sister went to the hospital last night but he wasn’t informed if everything was ok or what transpired. In telling a little more about the dynamics, it sounds very much like Esperanza’s bff is trying to keep Primero away from her. This friend has made comments about inviting all the other kids from the CFA over to her house, but sorry Primero you can’t come, you know because your mom is a psycho bitch (the psycho bitch part was implied). And there have been plenty of times, even before the massive fight and ensuing madness, that both the friend and Esperanza have been sure to remind Primero that they are legally adults and he is not. What has transpired is so monumentally sad. I could honestly write volumes about it, but I’m trying so hard to keep it out of my head. I keep trying to disengage, yet I have to be there for Primero. It hurts me to see him be hurt by what others are doing. Yet, some of the things he has said to me also make me immensely proud of him. I don’t know how he became the amazing young man he is, he could easily be reacting in the same way his sister has been. He has a maturity and wisdom beyond his years sometimes and I try to continually remind myself of his fantastic qualities. Last year I was upset about his failing grades and his lack of effort in school and for a short period of time I felt like I had failed him because I didn’t do more to ensure he passed his classes. He still struggles this year but he’s putting in so much more effort. And, this boy who refused to believe he’d make it through high school, has started talking about maybe going to college to be a lawyer or maybe an art school. I don’t know what caused the change in him, but I am glad to see it and I try to encourage him every bit I can. I wish I had been able to help Esperanza more, I wish she had been more open to the help being offered. I’m sure I could have done things differently, but I really don’t think that would have made a difference in the outcome. I try not to worry about her, but I can’t turn it off so easily. When I love someone, I love wholeheartedly. It takes a long time to extract my heart once it’s all in. This is evidenced in how long I messed around with Flaco after he made it clear our marriage was over. I loved him for much longer than I should have and it took a lot more of his total bullshit to finally flip that switch inside of me. I hope that never happens with Esperanza, but I also hope that time will help me to move on more and worry a lot less.