Problematic Blog

For not the first time, what I write here has gotten me in trouble. You’d think I would learn, but I don’t. Writing on my blog is my outlet and the only way I stay sane during some of the difficulties foster adoption brings into my life. I could make my blog private and only allow select people to read it and I have thought about going that route. But, I find it helpful to read other blogs by people who have gone or are going through the same things as me. If my blog can help someone in that way, I want to be able to do that. I guess that’s stupid, especially considering how what I write here has been used against me, but I will just have to scrutinize what I read more and censure what I write.

 

Yesterday was another tough day. Every time I think it’s the last of the drama, more bubbles to the surface and I’m spinning in the vortex once again. Because of what was written on my blog (which I only found out later), I received a vitriolic text from Esperanza telling me to stop talking about her. I assumed she had spoken to her uncle, since some of the things she brought up were part of a conversation I had with Aunt W. As it was intended to, the text cut me to the quick and I was left reeling. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I found out through conversation with Aunt W and Uncle G that Primero had hacked my accounts and was reading all of my personal information. Honestly, the pain in knowing my trust had been so broken and I had been so violated hurt me more than Esperanza acerbic words. Uncle G told me to just let it go and not say anything to Primero. But, when I picked him up from the CFA last night I could not keep his intrusive act from my mind. When we got home he laid his phone down and walked away so I scooped it up and hid it. After I let him search for it a bit we got into it and he said a lot of very harsh things in an attempt to hurt me. He called me his caretaker and indicated (as his sister did in her earlier text) that I was not in fact a part of their family. I called him on it, told him he could sling every prickly barb and insult at me that he could think of, but I wasn’t going to bite. Not this time. Not anymore. I’ve become calloused to his contemptuous slurs when we are fighting. He knows my weak spot and he goes right for it. But, I’m onto his game now and while it still might hurt I won’t react to it anymore. After our spat and I had collected his computer, he went downstairs assuring me he wouldn’t learn anything by me taking his electronics and he would still find a way to get online. I went to my bedroom to get the baby to sleep and hash things out with my friends.

 

It wasn’t too long after that Primero came back upstairs claiming he had figured everything out. He spoke to his Uncle G and discovered it was his uncle who alerted me to the hack. I don’t what all they talked about but Primero came upstairs with a whole different attitude. He came upstairs as himself again, instead of the cocky little brat he was when we were fighting. We talked. We apologized. We finally began healing from last month’s chaos and drama. We worried about his sister, mutually. And Primero finally saw what I have been desperate for him to see all this time. I am not lashing out maliciously towards Esperanza or her friend. Yes, there were some things that were reported that caused them issues, but that stems from concerns, not from anyone trying to harm them. I told him I hold no grudge or anger towards Esperanza. I care about her, I love her and I still consider her a part of my family. I know she hates me right now and blames me for all sorts of things. She has said some horrible things to me and threatened me, but I get it. No one has ever stood up to her before. No one has ever cared enough to get on her bad side for a good reason. No one has ever given her the chance to run because they kicked her to the curb before she could muster up the strength. She desperately wants to be an adult but she hasn’t really had healthy adult behavior modeled to her and so she doesn’t really know how to do it. I told Primero last night that, despite everything that has happened (and I could fill volumes), if Esperanza asked me for help I would still help her. Because, like it or not, we’re family now. I’m not a saint. I’m far, far from it. I’m just another fallible human being like the rest of us. I just don’t give up, not on people and especially not on kids. I’m too trusting. I try to find the good in people, give them the benefit of the doubt. I try not to hold a grudge or let the users of the world make me jaded. Some might call me a fool. My own mother calls me a bleeding heart and is forever admonishing me that I can’t save the world all by myself. I’m not trying to save the world and I’d rather have a heart that bleeds than a stone cold one (not saying my mother has a stone cold heart). I just want to do what I can to make my corner of the world a better place. And I know the cost! If I didn’t before, I certainly do now. The price is steep. I’ve lost countless hours of sleep and spent umpteen hours berating myself for not doing things better. I’ve been put down and have had mud slung in my face. My good deeds do no go unpunished! Still, I soldier on. What else can I do? I stay. It might make a difference, it might not, but at least I will know I have done all I can do.