"Just" Adopting is Hard

The permanency hearing this morning went better than I had thought it would. There was an awkward moment, while waiting to go into the court room, when mom’s attorney was ranting about CYS. I didn’t hear how the conversation started, but I did hear him mention about a bonding evaluation that would show the children, who haven’t been allowed to visit with their mother, have bonded to their foster parent, “of course.” I cannot tell you how derogatory he sounded, how it seemed like the very word “foster parent” left a foul taste on his tongue. He went on to describe a case he argued in the state Supreme Court about the rights of a father who was incarcerated and not permitted early release due to the words of one parole officer who felt this man was gaming the system. His tirade was cut short by the county case worker announcing we could go into the court room. It’s clear to see that he is all one-sided for paternal rights, which I suppose makes sense since that is his job, to make sure the parents who are his clients get a fair deal. As a foster parent, I just don’t have the luxury of being one-sided and have to see this case and all cases from multiple sides, so I can be engaged in the action and try to stay empathetic towards the parents, who don’t have it easy and make the everyday decisions for what I believe is best for the children. I have to see both sides of the coin, no matter how painful or difficult it might be.

 

Once we were inside the court room things moved fairly quickly. There was a lot of discussion about Mini Momma and how she needs help to understand what is happening because she asked the magistrate when she can see her mom again. The magistrate declared she wouldn’t entertain the idea of visitation simply because there was a date set for TPR, which she wasn’t aware of initially. She said there would be no point for her to make a ruling, only to have it all rehashed at the TPR hearing next month. The mom’s attorney asked about keeping sibling contact, but he asked it in a way that made it sound like Chica Marie and Love Bug would be adopted and Mini Momma would not. This lead the county case worker to believe mom might voluntarily sign-off on TPR for the little ones, but I’m not so sure. There was talk about how Grandma has been pushing for the younger siblings to see and meet their older siblings and how she has managed to make that happen for all but one older sibling. A new permanency hearing was set for the end of April, pending whatever happens in December.

 

After the hearing I spoke with the county case worker about my concerns regarding an older sibling. She seemed to indicate what I had heard from a previous case worker was not correct and there would be no harm in the little ones spending time with their older siblings. I expressed how I am not opposed to those visits and contact but I felt like Grandma went behind my back when she had the kids a few weekends ago because she made no mention to me about her plans, just sent me a picture via text. I would like to know who the children will be exposed to and I too would like to meet their older siblings. I could facilitate visits with the older siblings, if they so choose, once I am able to meet them. But, if Grandma always acts as middle man, that limits the exposure the little ones would have to only when they are visiting Grandma. I think my actions speak for themselves when it comes to sibling visits. I pursued visits with Mini Momma, following her from foster home to foster home, making sure the little ones could still see her. She has spent more than a few weekends at our place and the door is always open for her to be in contact with her younger brother and sister. I can point to many, many examples of visits with Primero and his siblings, including making sure his older brother Hermano got to spend time with his family during holidays when he was in foster care. I mean, my two main baby-sitters are Primero’s oldest brother's girlfriend and his cousin. We spend holidays with Primero’s family, we’ve driven to see his mom, to attend his brother’s baby shower. I literally can do nothing more to prove I support family, especially sibling, involvement. I just think there is a proper way to do it that doesn’t create hard feelings or make it seem duplicitous.

 

So, it seems like the TPR hearing might actually happen next month. The county case worker told me she has over 90 pages of information for the hearing. I’m thankful we do not have to attend that court hearing, especially after the county case worker told me this would go all the way back to the beginning. I’m fairly certain I would sit and sob if I had to be there listening to every little thing that has happened right before and since placement. It is sort of a shitty time for TPR to be happening, just before Christmas, not that there is ever a good time to permanently lose custody of your children. As I knew she would, mom asked me where the kids were when she saw me. I had some pictures I printed out and gave to her, including the school picture for Chica Marie and a drawing she had colored. It certainly doesn’t take the place of seeing her children and I know that and I feel bad for her. Her lawyer brought up Act 101 during the session and I’m sort of surprised it wasn’t mentioned to me previously. My inclination is to do things as naturally as possible and I just don’t like the idea of someone telling me what I must do with the children. Act 101 is a legally enforceable visitation agreement entered into by adoptive parents and biological family. I would rather we agree to be in touch, exchange information and visit as we are able and see fit, so long as mom stays in a healthy place. I don’t really want a set-in-stone agreement stating we MUST see her x amount of times per month or year or whatever. Grandma and I are already in contact and arranging visits as our schedules allow. I don’t feel like we need some legal document telling us to keep doing what we are already doing. I would welcome the little one’s mom to get in touch with me so we could talk about visitations.

 

I’ve been feeling sort of down about adoption lately. I think I have finally come to a place where I am ready to face my own misconceived notions about adoption. I have known, from a young age, that I wanted to adopt. I remember having a conversation with my mom about my aunt who was never able to have children. I remember asking my mom why my aunt and uncle didn’t “just adopt.” I declared, right then and there, if I were ever unable to have children (because, that so wasn’t going to happen to me) I would adopt. When my mom met the woman who is now my nurse midwife, they had a conversation about my willingness to adopt. My mom’s friend, who adopted her daughter from China, gave her a book to give to me; “The Waiting Child” by Cindy Champnella. As a young adult remembering my declaration, this book solidified my decision to adopt. I just assumed things would go as I had planned. I would get married, have 3 children and then when my kids were on the verge of leaving the nest, I would adopt a younger child or two. It seemed so perfect. It’s just not how it happened. Now, nearly a year after my first son was adopted, I have really come to understand the intricacies of “just” adopting. And, while I know it is the right decision for me and I would do it all over again if I had to, it isn’t easy. Sharing your child with people you don’t know is hard. Learning to accept people you don’t always respect is hard. Knowing you family is complicated because there are so many different people with different opinions is hard. Learning to let go of the ideals you had for your family, learning to let go of the moral code you had hoped to instill in your children, is hard. Being ok with raising a child who doesn’t acknowledge your influence in his life and seems eager to be done with you, is hard. Feeling like you might never have sovereign control over your children is hard. Sharing holidays, accepting new traditions and life styles is hard. Witnessing the pain of a child betrayed by family and seeing the heartache of family not raising their biological kin is hard. Explaining to a child seeing their mother is not a good idea is hard. Hearing stories of a tumultuous and difficult past is hard. Staying positive about someone who has made some very poor choices and cannot seem to take responsibility for them is hard. Always being a bigger person, willing to forgive and move forward is hard. Nothing, nothing at all about adoption is easy except for loving a child. I never doubted I would be able to love a child not biologically connected to me. But, love is not enough. And that is hard.