Thanksgiving Dread

Tomorrow morning is court and  I am fearful for a lot of reasons. I am fearful of having to answer the little one’s mom’s and grandmother’s questions of why they are not there. I fear the potentially aggressive proceedings in court, with both sides defending their position passionately. I am fearful of the outcome and potential ramifications it might have on the case and, more concerning, on the children. Mostly, I just want it to be over, so we can move forward, but I feel fairly certain this case will drag on for quite some time.

 

Thursday is Thanksgiving and I am also dreading this day. Since I’ve become a grown-up, Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday, eclipsing Christmas. I mean, who doesn’t love a holiday all about food? And expressing thanks for the blessings in our lives? Besides providing a few cans of green beans, I have no other obligation, no presents to buy or cards to write. So, yeah, Thanksgiving has hedged out Christmas for my favorite holiday. But, as much as I love the holiday season, I’ve come to dread it due to the emotional pitfalls that seem to lurk around these special days. This will be the third holiday season with Primero and the little ones, which makes the third time I have to dance the intricate steps of open adoption. This year I am just not feeling as emotionally ready for what is to come. As much as I would like to be the kind of person who can get over grievances with a flip of my hair and a good glass of wine, I’m just not that person. I still hurt from what happened the last time we got together with Primero’s uncle. The fact that he thinks I should just act like everything is the same, after such a betrayal, infuriates me. He made zero effort to man up and talk to me like an adult. When “we” did talk it was actually with his wife. The whole thing has left a very bad taste in my mouth and my respect level for Primero’s uncle has dropped dramatically. I really don’t want to go to his house this Thursday. Like, not even a little bit. But, Primero told me last night that all of his siblings have been confirmed to be attending and that never happens. At first Primero told me their event started at 7, which would work out because I already accepted an invitation to my aunt and uncle’s for 4. But, after speaking with his uncle yesterday, Primero told me their event is starting at 4:30. So, this complicates things. I don’t want to be separated for Thanksgiving. I mean, I’m sure next year Primero will stop attending family functions with us because he will be 18 and, as he believes, can do whatever he wants. I wish I were wealthy and could just whisk the four of us away to some quiet tropical island for Thanksgiving. Did I mention Primero’s mother will be at the gathering? Just to add another layer of uncomfortable. The last time we spent time with her, there was an eruption of unwarranted emotions that derailed the visit and made me question having the little ones around when visits do happen. Yeah, I’m not looking forward to Thursday at all……

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