"Oh Hey! Hi!"

Thursday evening I took the kids to see a movie being shown outdoors. This was before the gates of Hell opened and the breath of Satan, a.k.a. a heat wave, descended upon us. The movie was being shown from 8-10, which actually ended up being 8:30 to coincide with the setting of the sun. The kids played and ran around the empty parts of the baseball field before the movie began. Since the movie was going to get us home much later than the little one’s bedtime, I decided to take off on Friday so they could sleep in. It felt abusive to keep them up until well after 10 and then force them up at 7 the next morning and who wants to work on Friday anyway? So, we decided to go to the pool on Friday since there was an excessive heat advisory in effect. Primero brought Toxic Friend along and we arrived at the pool just before 12:30. A few hours later I was swimming with Love Bug when I heard a voice behind me say, “Oh hey, hi!” I turn and it’s the kids’ mom. In the pool with her boyfriend. We chatted for a bit and she asked about Chica Marie, who was swimming in another area of the pool. I motioned to where she was and then semi-panicked. Right now it seems like their mom is healthy and doing ok, but that wasn’t the case for so long it’s hard for me to trust she will remain appropriate with the kids. I felt like she needed to be watched. Maybe that’s wrong, maybe I was being protective for no reason, but I sent Primero over to check on things. He got angry with me when I expressed my concern, but I wasn’t ok with just letting the kids go with no supervision. After all, I was keeping an eye on them before their mother showed up. At one point Primero told Chica Marie she wasn’t allowed over with her mom on her mom’s blanket and she got upset. Her mom got upset too, but I managed to smooth things over. Their mom fed them ice cream treats when it was nearly dinner time, which I found semi-frustrating (if it had been a little earlier in the afternoon it would have been more ok, but when it was already dinner time? Ugh…). The dynamics, for me, changed when their mom showed up and made what was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon much less so.

 

At one point, Chica Marie asked to go to the baby pool. I have always hated the baby pool, even as a child. It is much too warm and no matter how many chemicals they dump in it, the pool smells like pee. But, Love Bug loved being able to run through the water and jump into the pool, so I sat in the tepid water with their mom sitting a few feet away from me. At one point another mom questioned their mom about Love Bug. I get it, she looks like his mom obviously, but the other mom and the kids mom both seemed miffed when I answered the question. It was awkward when their mom tried to do some parental things, like make Chica Marie feel better when I wouldn’t let her go back to the big pool (she had begged to go to the baby pool and the two pools are not close together, much to my consternation). It was also awkward when Chica Marie shouted from the middle of the pool, “Right Mommy I have two moms?” It was also a little uncomfortable when their mom showed Chica Marie she had her name tattooed on top of her left wrist. The name we changed just a few months ago at her adoption. The same name her mom was using the entire time we were with her (which I totally understand and it doesn’t really bother me but I worry that it might make Chica Marie regret changing her name, so I worry about that). As an ironic bit of trivia, both the bio moms of my kids have their children’s names tattooed on their bodies. I didn’t see if the kids’ mom had Love Bug’s name anywhere, I just noticed Chica Marie’s name on top of her left wrist and Mini Momma’s name on her the top of her right wrist. I don’t know if she has any of the other older sibling’s names tattooed anywhere. She has a big tattoo on her upper arm with a name that is not one of the kids. One thing that was very evident in this chance encounter was how all of bio mom’s attention was directed to Chica Maire and little interest given to Love Bug. I think, because he came to me so young, she is less bonded to Love Bug and sees him as more mine than hers since he never lived with her. It was only two days after his birthday so I thought she might mention it, but she didn’t. I’m sure it brings up painful memories to think about it; four years ago she was in the hospital with her last baby and now she is sitting at the pool watching him launch himself into another woman’s arms, telling her he loves her, calling her mommy. It’s not an easy thing.

 

So, after our second surprise visit in two months, I joked with Chica Marie about where we might next bump into her mom. I think she is not actively looking for her mom when we are out in the community. I know she was when we went to the back to the same pool on Sunday. I wish there was a way for us to plan outings, so we could intentionally meet their mom, but that doesn’t seem possible. I have thought a long time about contacting their mom via Facebook, but I felt like that might be too aggressive. I’ve decided to prepare an envelope of pictures, including the recent ones with her, and a letter offering to set up a private Facebook page for her to see photos of the kids whenever she wants to. I will also add in the desire to plan excursions for her to see the kiddos and see if she might be able to navigate a way for us to stay in touch for just that purpose. It would be nice to have something planned rather than be surprised and unprepared. At the very least I know I tried.