Would You?

I met a friend of mine for a few drinks Friday night two weeks ago. I was already home in my pjs when she text me. But, since Primero was willing to stay with the sleeping kids and my friend rarely asks me out, I decided to go. It was just her and I so we had ample time to catch up with one another. We sat at the bar and joked about the DJ playing music from when we were teenagers. At one point she shared with me the guy she is seeing wants to have a baby with her and she just doesn’t think she wants another child. I listened to her dredge up how hard it was to heal from child birth while breast feeding her baby and not getting enough sleep. She mentioned how hard it was to keep pumping to feed the baby, how much she didn’t like it and just isn’t sure she would want to do it all again. “Would you?” she asked. Would I? Well, I’ve never been pregnant, never given birth, never breast fed a baby because it wasn’t an option. Would I want to have a baby, as in a biological baby that comes from my body? Yes, that’s all I ever wanted. Would I want to go through infancy again with a baby, like I did with my Love Bug? I would want to go through it with someone. I would want a partner to go through it with me. She interrupted me, lamenting her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s participation in their son’s infancy. I get that. I know the lion’s share still falls on the mother, but still having another adult do things like clean, make dinner, do the laundry? Because I did all the mom-ing things and all the household things and EVERYTHIING to keep me and three other lives from imploding into total chaos all while working full-time. Would I do it again all alone, take in a baby? Maybe. There is just a different connection I have with Love Bug than I do with the older two, something so precious because I know him, from three days old I know him. I don’t love him more, it’s just our connection is easier than with Chica Marie or Primero. There are 14 years of his life that I don’t know about Primero and 3 years I didn’t know Chica Marie. Those lost years are what make things hard for us sometimes. I felt, during the conversation, like we were comparing apples and oranges. While I understood her journey wasn’t easy and I respect that one child might be enough for her, I am an unfair comparison when it comes to procreating. Would I, if I could, willingly have a baby with someone I love? Yes, I would. Hands down, no contest, I wouldn’t even think twice about it. But, it isn’t a possibility, or a very unlikely one, compared to her ability to make a decision and then make it happen. We left the conversation after I reiterated my support for whatever decision she makes and talked about more enjoyable topics thereafter.

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