So, as it turns out, the kiddos most likely will be sticking around longer than originally assumed. The county case worker came to visit us Saturday morning. She was very happy that I had agreed to take in these kids and at the end, after speaking to me for about 30 minutes, she left asking, “Can we keep you?” She was pleased with what she saw and with my attitude towards the unruly older child. She reiterated the “we are not happy with mom” sentiment and expanded to explain that the older child has other family resources that are actively looking to gain custody of her but paternity is unclear for the baby. She did hint that their stint with me will most likely be longer than the proposed 6-8 weeks but gave no indication of how much longer.
I was explaining the above to my co-worker friend who is also a foster parent with CHOR and has successfully adopted and her response was, “Sometimes things happen like this, you never know. That’s why it’s a good idea to not take on foster care cases when you are thinking of adopting.” It’s not a direct quote, but basically the gist of what she said, the idea being that “my” child will be lost to me because I have these two kids living with me and CHOR will not place another child in my care while they are still with me. It’s easy to think like this and honestly, that is why I wasn’t gung-ho about taking them in when I was originally called. But, I am slowly learning to trust God’s plan and His timing more. It’s something I am sure He has been working on with me this whole time I’ve been dealing with infertility. I have just never wanted to listen. I wanted to figure it all out and make my own plans and have them fit to my timetable. It’s taken me 4 years to reach this point. I’m not frantically thinking that I will miss the baby that is supposed to be mine because I accepted these two little ones into my home. I listened to a heavenly prompting to take these kids in, when it didn’t make sense to my mind, to my plan, to my timetable or my goal. But, there must be some reason that God wanted these two with me. And He is now giving me the grace to be peaceful with my decision to have them, despite the duration of their stay being extended. I have proof of this because I received some news today about the thing I was so vague about before Christmas, the thing that could be a wonderful miracle. I thought it was lost, that it was not meant to be my miracle. Today I found out the initial information was faulty and this “thing” is still waiting in the wings until Spring time. I doubt this makes any sense to anyone other than me, but I know it was meant to be a sign, it was meant for me to realize that God’s plan and His timing is perfect and my job is to not figure things out but just to have faith and believe. For so long I felt like I have been trying to prove to God that I deserve to be a mother. I had this crazy idea that if I stop planning and trying to control an outcome that is out of my control anyway that God would not let me be a mother, He would deny me something that would break my heart and crush my spirit. If I didn’t push God, He would not give me what I want. Luckily, that is not how God works. He said we only need to ask and it shall be given. He didn’t say when or how it would be given, just that it would. So, rather than continually set lines in the sand, mentally creating a finish line with a date and time, I am just resting in the assurance that I will be a mother. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. I know that I am and should be prepared and I know that I should be waiting in hopeful expectation, but I have no deadline, no drop dead date when I have to move on to plan B (or in my case plan W).
The other thing to consider about having the children now is the connection I have made with the county worker. We talked briefly about my time as a foster mother and the failed adoption and how I am once again hoping to adopt, only this time alone. She was flabbergasted when she heard what happened with the first baby I had and she said, “I want you to know our county does not discriminate against single parents.” It made me feel good, like I finally have someone (other than the fabulous case workers at CHOR) in my corner, trying to get “my” baby to me. I really like this county worker (the only other county worker I had such good rapport with was also from this county – when I had the babies in November) and she liked me. I don’t know what God has planned for the future, but I’m sure He designed for this connection to occur. That in and of itself makes me feel like having the kids temporarily is part of a grander plan. I don’t know; it’s not for me to figure out……
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