I have had a few people mention to me that I might be taking "this" too hard, that I am too emotional right now. First, I would like to know where the rules are that tell me how I should react to such intense disappointment? But, without getting too snarky, I believe that every individual experiences disappointment in a different way. There is no "right" way to grieve. Am I emotional? Yes. I would think there is something wrong with a woman in my situation not to feel upset about another negative month. And, this is the rock bottom right now. The pain is the most intense when the news is still fresh and the dreams are still fading away. Plus, the pain is compounded by the effect of Clomid, which twists and pulls my hormones to the breaking point, making every emotion feel even more intense. And, I am not getting much hopeful news from the Infertility office and I am now more stressed out about making a decision to perhaps move onto yet another doctor. All of these factors combined have made this particular time all the more poignant. I am grateful there are people out there who care about me, but I also need to do this in my own way. If I try to stuff my feelings and hide them I will only feel worse in the long run.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like crap right now, but this too shall pass. And I knew I would if I didn't end up pregnant this month. In the past two years, there were months when I knew I would not be pregnant and then there were months when I truly believed I might be pregnant. The months when I believed were definately harder to "get over." I want a baby desperately and I hate feeling hopeless. I hate feeling like the only option our Infertility Doctor is giving us, is something we simply cannot afford. We live pay-check to pay-check, hanging on by the mere tips of our fingers to the bottom of the middle class. We are in debt and spread pretty thin. Taking out yet another loan does not seem wise. I mean, if the IVF were to work the very first time (and even with the chance the doctor's office has given us at 70%, there is still a 30% chance we will blow 9 grand and still be in the same boat, only more broke), we would be on the hook for the loan and also have a new baby to take care of financially! This does not sound like the best idea for us. I wish money were not an issue. But, it is and we have to deal with our reality.
I hate that we have to be in this situation. I hate infertility. I want nothing more than to miraculously get pregnant without such extreme measures. I find it hard to deal with the intense disappointment every single month. I do realize that remaining calm might help my situation more than getting all freaked out. I was quite calm in December and January, I hardly cried at all when I got my period. I still didn't get pregnant. So, I freak out this month and then move on and work with the lousy hand I've been dealt. When Aunt Flo arrives in March, I will feel sad but not devastated. My heart will still break but perhaps the pieces will be easier to get back together. I don't know the infertility playbook and I don't deal well with disappointment in general. I will take the time this month going forward to concentrate on myself; eating healthy, exercising, finding something to do to occupy my time and keep my mind off of "things." More than that, I cannot promise.
I can't believe that people are giving you any lip about feeling the way you do. You are certainly entitled to deal with your heartbreak in your own way, with no one second guessing that. If you were becoming violent or self destructive, that would be one thing. But you aren't. You are just grieveing and, unfortunately, I know from much experience that grieving comes in many forms and takes various lengths of time. It's not situation dependent...it just has a life of its own. So I am really sorry for you that anyone has made you feel badly about reacting in a healthy and necessary way to a devestating situation.
ReplyDeleteAs for the IVF costs, I completely agree with your analysis. I have friends who have two mortgages and a couple of sizeable loans and no baby. And the ones that do have a baby are really struggling finanically. I know that my husband and I have been blessed to have all of the opportunities we've had because of our insurance coverage, but I know lots of people who aren't that blessed. If you get to the point where you are deciding to pursue IVF, please feel free to contact me because I know that the clinic I go to offers some "scholarships" to help defray the costs and in New York, sometimes (depending on the fiscal year), there are state grants you can apply for to subsidize IVF. I'm not sure how that works in PA, but I would be willing to help you find out. I'm hoping you don't even have to go through that because the other options (and maybe a new RE) will make the IVF issue moot. Best of luck.
I feel the same way you do lately. It's so hard to not be devestated every month when AF arrives. I'm tired of waiting for my BFP. I'm not going to appologize for being upset when I don't get one month after month after month.
ReplyDelete