Everybody Hurts Sometimes

     Today was a god-awful, no-good, very bad day in every possible way. I got up early to go to the Infertility office again for my second blood test of the week. I cried on the way there. I cried in front of the nurse who then went to get the doctor. The nurse tried to talk me into IVF again. If I was able to talk (which I couldn't because I was trying so hard not to sob), I would have screamed at her, "WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY!! WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!!??!" I have never felt so desperate and hopeless in all my life. My heart was crushed and pulverized for the second time in one week! I will be scheduled for the HSG (tube-checking procedure) sometime next week. When I got back home, my period finally began, along with horrific cramps that take my breath away at times. The rest of the day at work I tried to hide my tears and red, swollen eyes. I think I spent more time in the bathroom than I did at my desk.
     Before I went into work, I called my mom. We had a brief conversation and she promised to call me back after work. So, she called and of course I was crying yet again. She said that she has been talking to the doctor in her office who has worked with women who have infertility issues. She has also been talking to other women who work in her office and have had infertility issues. She thinks, and her thoughts are seconded by other medical professionals, that the Infertility office is trying to push me too hard and too fast into IVF. There are many other steps and tests that they have skipped and that could make a difference. After the HSG they should use a laparoscope to take a better look at my uterus to make sure there are no issues like adenomyosis (my mom had this, it is endometriosis in the uterus). And, after giving my body three cycles or so on the metformin, I should try the Clomid again. I am thinking of switching to the doctor in the office where my mom works, since he seems willing to try "other" options. I have also started to consider acupuncture, although I am still quite terrified of needles. Flaco thinks my mom is right (might be a first and last here people!), that the doctor is pushing IVF because it is the big money-maker. He said he might consider it if they can 100% guarantee a pregnancy. The nurse said because I am young, it would be around a 70% chance of a positive out-come.
     I am hurt and my heart is so broken I am not sure if "all the king's horses and all the king's men" can even find pieces big enough to glue it back together again. The pain in my heart is rivaled by the period cramps, reminding me every minute of the day that I am NOT pregnant. To get back to a more sane place emotionally, this month I will focus on eating better and getting more exercise and the only action I will take in the infertility world is to get my tubes checked and perhaps talk to another doctor for a second opinion. Next month I might try the acupuncture. And then, the month after that, I might try Clomid one more time. That's the plan, at least for now.