God and babies

***I suppose I should write a quick disclaimer here - this is not going to be a very positive post and some might find what I am saying about God, faith, and religion to be a tad blasphemous. Read at your own risk*** 

   I went to church this morning, for the first time in awhile. I think I have been avoiding church because I am so angry at God. I don't want to be where I am at and I cannot fathom why He has decided to send us down this long and devastating path. When I was trying to be positive and when I was believing in faith that God would give us a baby, I was sorely disappointed time and time again. Now, I just don't believe (I believe in God and I believe in all the "important" stuff, I just don't believe He is going to give us a baby anytime soon). Faith is believing in things unseen, yet insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different results. So at what point do these two ideas become incompatible and at odds with one another? Each month, I have differing levels of belief or faith, that I will become pregnant. This same action has now become insanity because I expect the same thing, do the same thing, and I am always surprised when I get the same results. How do I escape from this swirling vortex of doom?
    After the grueling worship and sermon (I say grueling because after I got there I realized I didn't want to be there), the pastor's wife cornered me. Now, I go to a bi-lingual church in which most of the members speak Spanish as a primary language. The pastor's wife and I communicated in Spanish. I don't know why this important to the story, perhaps I just felt like sharing. Anyway, she asked me if we were blessed with a pregnancy yet. I told her no, we are not going to be blessed. She asked why and I tried to brush her off and told her we could not afford the procedure. She pulled me up front to pray with her, which of course made me cry. She apologized to God on my behalf, for being so furious with Him. And she said if she and I were in agreement, then God will be faithful to give us as many babies as we want. I know that she wanted me to smile and nod and tell her "yes, I believe God will do that," but I just simply could not do it. I could not summon the effort to fake it. Apparently, my faith is as broken as my useless body. But, I don't see any point in forcing myself to think positive and try to be positive when it ends in the same, if not more, pain. So, I left feeling just as deeply sad as when I went in.
     Tonight, I am having such terrible stomach cramps thanks to the metaformin. I can't get comfortable no matter what I do and no matter what I try to eat. Plus, as my period winds down, I am having back cramps. I am pretty darn miserable right now! At least, the Clomid seems to be releasing my emotions and hormones and I am feeling a little more like myself and not a crazy, sobbing lunatic. I have also decided that we will try for another two years and if we do not get pregnant in that time, then we will adopt (although, who knows if Flaco will be willing to adopt at that point or ever). I cannot stay in infertility land indefinitely. I don't know, maybe this is another line in the sand I am giving myself; like having my first baby before I'm 30. I guess only time will tell.