Rules of Engagement

     I am gearing up to get "the news" in the next couple of weeks; either I will be pregnant or Aunt Flo will make her unwelcome appearance. Right after getting this news I will be at my most vulnerable. So, I was thinking about how nice it would be if everyone would follow certain rules when talking to me about infertility. I know, I know, dream on, right? Short of handing out a consent form or rules of engagement form before conversing with "people" there isn't much I can do but put on a happy face and blog about it later.

Disclaimer - some of the information below was borrowed from another blog called Empty Wombs. The particular piece was "Commenting Rules" by Christina Banks. Also, from an article called "Infertility Tests Every Aspects of a Couple's Life" on webmd.
    
     Rule #1 : Do not offer unsolicited advise.
     I know it is human nature, especially for women, to offer advise to someone with a problem. But, in this case the advise is most unwanted and can sometimes be hurtful. Refrain from suggesting certain medical procedures, sexual positions, or random foreign herbs you might have heard about in your brief encounters with infertility. There are doctors who spend their entire career studying and understanding the complexity of infertility, so let us talk to them about options and ask the professionals for advise.

     Rule #2 : For the love of all things holy under the sun, do not I repeat, DO NOT tell me to "just relax and it will happen."
     Really? Seriously? The cause of infertility has nothing to do with how up-tight or stressed out a couple is; if it did doctors would prescribe a nice hot bath and a massage and we'd all get pregnant. Also, "The problem is that infertility affects every aspect of a woman's life," says Alice Domar, a health psychologist and director of the Mind/Body Program for Infertility at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, Harvard Medical School. "It affects their relationship with their husbands because men and women don't respond to infertility in the same way. It affects their sex life because they're told when they can and can't have intercourse. It affects relationships with friends and family because everyone else seems to be getting pregnant effortlessly. It affects jobs because they have to miss tons of time for doctor's appointments and procedures. It can send them into a spiritual crisis. They feel cruddy because they're going through all these invasive tests and procedures which hurt. And it costs a ton of money." (from webmd - and I love that she uses the word cruddy) Domar says that depression among infertile women is just as severe as the depression experienced by those with life-threatening diseases such as cancer, heart disease and AIDS. That can make positive, or even realistic, mindsets hard to drum up, she says. "Infertility is a brutal process, and unlike any other medical condition, the patient is blamed for it," she says. "Every infertility patient in the world has been told, 'Just relax, and you'll get pregnant.' Would you say to a cancer patient to just relax and the cancer will go away?" I think I am going to use that last line the next time someone tells me to "just relax."

     Rule #3 : Do not offer us your children because they drive you crazy or suggest we are crazy for wanting children because of losing sleep and freedom, etc.
     I get it, I do. Maybe you think you are lessening the pain by describing how crazy life can get with children or how being sleep deprived for several years can really suck. We are not ignorant to the facts that by getting what we want, we might also be giving up the freedom to sleep late on the weekends or go out whenever we want, this does not mean that we don't want to be parents! Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

     Rule #4 : Don't suggest or imply that God has decided not to give us children because we might not be good parents or are not ready to be good parents in some way.
     I do believe children are a blessing. But, just because we are having a hard time achieving our "blessing" does not mean we are cursed or being punished for some reason. Do you believe that God intends for women to get pregnant only to abort their babies or have a miscarriage? Is that a blessing? In life, sh*t happens. Sure, sometimes God does perform miracles (some would argue that a baby might be a miracle to an infertile couple), but some of the times it's not about good or bad, deserving or undeserving. We infertiles have a hard enough time struggling with these thoughts and ideas and don't need anyone to add to it, thank you very much.
     One of the cruelest things anyone could say is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

     Rule # 5 : Don't suggest there are worse things than can happen or that we should just be grateful for what we have.
     The idea that there can be worse things than infertility is subjective. What might be considered a worse situation by one person could be considered relatively trivial to someone else. Infertility is not a light matter and someone who has not experienced the roller coaster ride of highs and lows cannot understand the pain. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
     Likewise, being sad about infertility does not mean we are not grateful for the life that we do have together. Daily, we are thankful that there are doctors and treatments for infertility. We are thankful for each other and for our jobs. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent.

     I know there are probably a million more ideas out there of what not to say to someone struggling through infertility. But, basically it boils down to the simple fact that if you haven't walked a mile in these shoes, you have no clue how hurtful some simple comments can be.