Am I . . . . ?

     I. can't. stop. obsessing!!!! Seriously, I spend like 23 1/2 hours out of the day thinking and wondering and trying to tell myself to STOP! I read all about conception online wishing and hoping and praying that this is what my body is doing; creating a baby. I lurk on all the infertility boards and blogs out there and think that perhaps my own blog will turn from the heartache of infertility to the joy of pregnancy. Don't get your hopes up? We are waaaaaay beyond that possibility at this point. My hopes, despite my best intentions, are sky-high floating around the stars. I want to remain calm, rooted in reality, but I just can't! This is the hardest part of the cycle, waiting to get the results of all the planning, medicine-taking, and baby-making sex. Did it work this time? When I am not externally seeking information about pregnancy, I am internally encouraging my body to do it's thing. Seriously, I mentally talk to my body and tell it to do what I assume it should be doing at this point. Like right now, the little bugger should be nestling into the uterine wall to hang out for another 9 months. I try to imagine it happening, as weird as that may sound. Externally, I also watch for signs or symptoms of pregnancy, which I doubt I would be feeling already, but I am an infertile and this is what we do! I know obsessing is not healthy and that it can cause undo stress, which is not good for infertility or pregnancy. But, I simply cannot stop! We have been waiting for two years and if this is happening now, I want to know so I can rejoice and so I can let all those dreams swell into reality. How do I stop? Because I know, if this isn't our month then I am going to crash and burn very quickly. I am fully aware of the pain that awaits me on the other side of this long wait. I want to remain positive, I want to remain calm and serene and just take it, come what may. Serenity now! How do I wait patiently when I know this is something so BIG?! Well, I suppose it is only big if I am pregnant. If I am not, then it's just same old-same old. I need to pull myself together!! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and usually I try to do a little something special for Flaco, but right now my mind is only on our next appointment with the Fertility Doctor on Tuesday. Will they be able to tell me if I am pregnant? The nurse mentioned taking progesterone levels to see what the levels are and if I need to take medication to elevate the levels. The doctor will also be telling us about the results from all the various tests we've been subjected to in the past month. And, he will make a recommendation for future treatments (if they are needed). I just want to know! For some reason, I just have this crazy feeling like this is IT, this is the month we will get the best news of our lives! And I am so scared to say that because if my feeling is incorrect, I will doubt myself and my intuition in addition to doubting my body's ability to perform it's procreating duties. I am over-analyzing everything!! I need to just let go and let God. . . . . SERENITY NOW!!!