Quit Playin' Games with My Heart

 I am going to lose my ever-loving mind. I spoke with my mom last night regarding this unusual non-period and she suggested I take a home pregnancy test. So, I took one this morning and it was negative. I called the Infertility Clinic to report the issue and they have me going in tomorrow to test my progesterone and estrogen levels to be certain I am not pregnant. Then we can schedule the ultra-fun tubal checking procedure. Wait, I thought we already did determine I am not pregnant?
     I thought I had come to terms with this month, mentally moving-on to the next step. I thought that blood tests for pregnancy were the gold standard, that they were never wrong. This has never happened to me before. I mean, I spot nearly every month before my period begins, but I have never spotted then stopped without getting a period. I am freaking out because I am worried there is something else seriously wrong with me. The nurse I talked to this morning suggested that the spotting was my period. It was not. I know my period and it has never been so light I did not even really need a panty-liner. Even when I was on the birth control, I would still sometimes need a tampon plus a pad. As much as I would love to be pregnant, I don’t want there to be anything wrong (of course, no one wants anything to be wrong with their pregnancy or developing child!). This seems like the ultimate betrayal from my body; clear proof that it is irrevocably broken and incapable of even producing “normal” functions. It doesn’t seem fair to have to endure this too, in the midst of all the other infertility turmoil. I feel like that boy-band song, “Quit playin’ Games with my Heart.”
     In other news, this morning I was getting ready to leave for work and I usually have on The Today Show to get some news and stay up-to-date. Well, as I was ready to turn the TV off there was a woman (some anchor on a Fox channel) talking about infertility. Her name was Alisyn Camerota and she struggled with infertility in silence for several years before she finally got pregnant with twin girls through IVF. She then miraculously had a son without infertility treatments. She mentioned that she felt like infertility was a “dirty secret” and she didn’t talk about it to anyone, until she started going to a support group. I wish I could have seen more, but I was already running a little late, so I had to go. I might try to look up the interview at some point. I think I feel a lot like she mentioned, not wanting to tell many people about our struggles. She worried they might become “clock-watchers” and constantly ask her if she was pregnant yet. I just don’t want to hear the platitudes, “Oh, it will happen for you someday” or “You’ll make a great mother.” These are things I have heard from people I did tell. Not to mention the “just relax” comments and the stories about “other” couples who did/tried xzy treatment or adopted then got pregnant on their own, ad nauseam. So, I keep it to myself mostly. Perhaps I will look into a local support group (although I don’t want to join a weekly pity party). 
     So, what I am I thinking about this month now? I do not believe I am pregnant. Do I have potential symptoms of pregnancy? Sure. I get them every month – some on my own and some thanks to Clomid. Sore and very tender breasts (Clomid), cramping, peeing constantly (this one is new and perhaps signals an impending bladder infection  or my mind playing tricks with my body), hungry all the time, bloating, moody (more intense with Clomid), tired. But, who would continue to believe when two pregnancy tests negate the possibility of pregnancy? This does not mean I have not indulged in some web-surfing to find other women who had the same issue (negative tests and no period) but wound up being PG13 (pregnant). I think it is an anomaly that might happen to a few random women (getting false negative tests), but many more women have this same situation and truly are not pregnant. I think I fall into the latter category. I hope to put this to rest for good tomorrow morning. I can’t stand to live in this confusing limbo!