Beginning of the End

     It happened. Tonight, after enjoying dinner with some girlfriends from work, I came home and lo and behold some pink on the paper after I went to the bathroom. This is not the first time it happened. It happens every time before my period, in fact. Before my period. My period. Which is/was due on Tuesday. My world is crumbling. Yes, I know it could be implantation bleeding. I have thought this every month for the past two years. Do you know the simple definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Well, in this case, insanity is believing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My history has proven this pink spotting is the beginning of my period, not my precious embryo implanting in my waiting womb.
     Why? Why God? Why couldn't we have made a baby this month? What is it about us that makes us so unworthy. Why do you apparently punish the good and bless the wicked with babies? How is it that if I ovulated and we were having sex the correct days we don't end up with a pregnancy? How much longer much we suffer and endure and try to pretend our lives are ok? What are we doing wrong? What have I done wrong in my life? I tried to believe this month, I prayed and I visualized - and yet, here I sit sobbing. My heart is shattered. My soul aches. I know I should be a good little Christian and just say, "Oh, it is the Will of God in my life. I still believe He will give me a baby. My faith has not been crushed beneath the immense weight of disappointment and heartache." For now, I can only pray for strength.
     The below section I wrote earlier today, before the latest development:
     Flaco and I talked last night. Not too in-depth really, but enough to have made a simple decision. We are not ready to enter the IVF world; not ready emotionally and certainly not ready financially. My husband is still toying with the idea of the injectables, but he also thinks it is a good idea to get some additionally testing. For me. He told me he wants nothing to do with further testing on himself. That hurt my feelings a little bit because I know the problem lies mostly with me, but I have already endured more invasive testing than he has and with each test the discomfort ratchets up a notch. Pobre Flaco told me he is disillusioned about this whole process and he is getting ready to throw in the towel. I can’t blame him because many days I feel the same way.
     I called my mother this morning and gave her the green light to talk to one of the doctors where she works. She will let him know what we have tried and what has been done and ask him for his opinion. He is not a specialist in infertility, but he does work with some patients in their office who are having a hard time conceiving. She is going to suggest testing if my tubes are open and taking a good look at my uterus through a scope. We will talk after work to see what the doctor says. I told her I hate being a doctor hopper, but she insisted I explore all my options and think of IVF as the last ditch effort. My mother worries that the Infertility Doctor is pushing IVF for the money. I guess he doesn’t know that you can’t get  blood from a stone . . . .
     Physically, I am not feeling any different than I normally do 3-4 days before my expected period. I have discovered that being on Clomid makes my breasts very tender prior to my period and that is the case this month as well. Generally, I notice some pink or brown spotting a few days before my period actually starts. I have not seen anything yet, but each time I go to the bathroom I dread seeing the all-too-familiar spot on the TP. I have some random cramps and bloating – nothing unusual about that. I am moody (thanks again to Clomid) and weepy (Clomid) and really tired (I’m not a good sleeper to begin with and quite frankly, I have been rather emotionally taxed lately, which can make me very tired and groggy). In short, I have no symptoms that indicate pregnancy and could not also be explained by an impending period. This is conception limbo.
     Although my broken toe limits my ability to get exercise, I have been trying to work on my diet. I have been eating more salads and fruits. I have limited my portions of meats, starches and carbscliché. In any event, I despise thinking about losing weight or getting more exercise. It’s another ugly battle in my life.
     So, we are in the home stretch. Just one weekend stands between us and the pregnancy test Monday morning. I am still thinking about doing a home pregnancy test before I go into the office. I am praying that the phone call I get will be one resulting in unadulterated joy rather than deep, dark, gut-wrenching despair. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst. . . . .  
     Apparently, it is the later rather than the former - the worst is arriving and all I have left to do it try to hold myself together. . . . "I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me." (Nobody Knows it but Me, Kevin Sharp)