We are one day closer to knowing if it is to be or not to be. I am praying incessantly, pleading with God to send us our blessing this month. Yesterday and Tuesday I had such a fatalistic mindset. I felt like this was the very last chance we had and if we failed it was all over. But, this is not the end, unfortunately. It might just mean readjusting the sails and repainting the dream in our minds, but it is not the end. We still haven’t made a decision about what our next step will be – and perhaps by not deciding, we have decided. Maybe, it is just time to take a step back. I honestly don’t know if I can, since the past two years of my life have been utterly dedicated to getting pregnant, but it might be worth the try. Even if we take a break, it is not the end.
Coupled with this feeling of finality, I have also been dreaming about our little embryo in the mighty hands of God. I close my eyes and this image is burned into my mind’s eye; great and gentle hands cupped around a tiny mass of cells, forming them and loving them into the shape of a baby. I envision God’s hands holding my uterus, keeping me and the baby safe and sound. I also pray to God that if this is not our month, that he grant me grace and composure beyond measure. I pray that I can accept His Will in my life, regardless of how much I dislike the outcome.
Monday I return to the Infertility Doctor for a pregnancy test. Thankfully, I have the day off, since I work for the state and President’s Day is a federal holiday. Already, I am dreading the phone call that afternoon. I have considered testing before I go in, but I don’t think I have a very sensitive test and I might be too much of a mess to go to the doctor’s office. I want the answer and yet I dread it with every fiber of my being. Devastated will not describe the depth of the pain I will feel. Guess I need to keep praying for composure.....
I know I am over-emotional right now. Lovely Clomid. I spend a good part of my day holding back the tears and a good part of the night letting them flow. Sometimes I feel like an alien has eaten my brain and all that is left is this weepy, blubbery mess that can only think about conceiving. I used to really enjoy making love to my husband (he likes long drawn out love making sessions) but now I just want to get “it” over with. I hardly talk to friends who have babies because it makes me so incredibly sad. I do, however, stalk them on Facebook when I am feeling the need to emotionally punish myself. I constantly daydream of our baby and what it will be like to be a family of three. On really bad obsession days, I pick out baby furniture and clothes.
So, how do I turn away from all of this? How to I stop the daydreaming and obsessing? Maybe I need a hobby, but nothing comes to mind, other than shoe shopping. I would love to travel, but financially we cannot. Perhaps I can volunteer somewhere. I did get an application from the local literacy counsel a few months ago. I have a home-based business (in addition to my full-time job) so I know I can work more on that to keep me busy. But, the hours I am at my day job are mind-numbingly dull and that is when my obsession can really take hold. I will need to find something to do to keep my mind from wandering to this topic.
For now, our decision still remains to be unmade. I am feeling less and less ready to attempt IVF, not only because of the immense cost, but also because it means losing that last little un-invasive way to achieve pregnancy. IVF, while it is amazing and quite a medical miracle, means we will not be conceiving a baby, but rather we will be donating the necessary products for a lab to conceive our baby. And then I become an incubator. I know this is a very negative way of looking at it and I really have no qualms about anyone using this technique, nor am I saying we will never try it. But, I want to be sure that if we try IVF, it is because it is probably the only way we will get pregnant. At this point, I think I am leaning more towards going the route my mother presented to me; which is doing some more testing, seeing if my tubes are open and if my body accepts Flaco’s sperm, scoping my uterus to make sure there is nothing wrong with it, etc. While I do not relish enduring numerous procedures (some I understand are rather uncomfortable), I quite simply am not ready to jump straight into IVF. Injectables are a distant second, mostly because I am terrified of needles and as my mother reminded me, I couldn’t even give my horse a shot of penicillin because I hate shots so bad. So, what makes me think I can give myself not only one shot, but many? It will cause me a great deal of stress, which I hear isn’t so great when you are trying to conceive.
In closing, to explain how I am feeling and to quote from a movie I’ve seen too many times, “I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just whelmed?” “I think you can in Europe” (from 10 Things I Hate about You).
I'm sorry to hear that you are having all of these feelings. I understand what you are feeling about IVF, but I can tell you as someone who has gone through the procedure 6 times (or at least part way through if the cycles got cancelled for not enough eggs), and going through 6 injectible IUI cycles, Inever once felt like I wan't conceiving. The important part happens in the body. The embryologist may have tried to help fertilization of the egg along, but really he had no control of that because it didn't always work...and the most important part of the whole process is whether the embryo nestles in and takes residence in your uterus. That is conception.
ReplyDeleteI don't say any of this to take away your feelings. I am very much a "to each their own" kind of girl. I only say this in case IVF does become an option for you down the road. Just some thoughts to ponder.
Hopefully, you won't have to worry about any of this because you will be getting your happy news on Monday. Don't feel guilty about being a little negative. I truly believe that self-preservation is key in this process and that your visualizations are beautiful and more than enough to help your perfect emby along. I'm cheering for you.
I understand what you are saying about IVF and I don't feel like you tried to take away my feelings. I think what I was trying to say, is that we are just not emotionally ready for that yet. We feel there are more things that we can try before doing IVF. Perhaps if money was not an issue, I would be slightly more willing to jump right to IVF, but the reality is, we simply can't afford it. And, I think I need more time to come to terms with the fact that we can't just create a baby without medical intervention. Thank you for your kind words and your advise. I pray both of us will be getting our "happily ever after" very, very soon! :)
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