Learning to be Siblings

For the first time since Love Bug’s birthday party we had Mini Momma sleep-over. I’m not clear on when exactly she moved in with Grandma, but she has been there for at least a few weeks. We have never been to Grandma’s place, but I had agreed to picking up Mini Momma Friday late afternoon. Friday morning, while at Dorney Park with Primero, Grandma text me asking if I could come a little earlier to pick up Mini Momma to avoid traffic. We agreed I would pick her up around 3:30. Primero didn’t want to spend a lot of time at the amusement park, since he didn’t really like riding roller coasters and it was freaking HOT. He asked to see a movie. I agreed, but we were an hour from home in the opposite direction of Grandma’s place and we hit traffic getting back to town. So, we went to the mall to cool off for a bit while I debated picking up the children early from daycare to make the hour ride to Grandma’s house or chance getting back late to pick them up. I decided it would be nice for them to see Grandma and so we got them early as a surprise because Chica Marie didn’t know about Mini Momma visiting.

 

We drove an hour in the sweltering van, reaching Grandma’s house around 3:45. The house was a small row home in a development of row homes. The outside had overgrown weeds, much like my house (sadly – but, it has been entirely too HOT to pull weeds). We rang the doorbell and one of the cousins answered with Mini Momma behind her. Rather than looking excited and anxious to see us, Mini Momma looked bored and uninterested. We entered the house and were greeted by a fat black cat stretched out on the floor right next to the door and a large aquarium with three large turtles. There was a table and chairs and cat toys and beds scattered all around. We followed the cousin and Mini Momma down a short hallway, past a tiny kitchen and into a living room with a massive TV, a couch and over-sized leather chair. Through the doorway I saw a young man washing dishes. The brother to the cousin was seated in the chair playing a football video game. Mini Momma flopped on the couch and pulled a blanket over her lap. Grandma was nowhere in sight. The young man washing the dishes noticed Chica Marie and asked if she remembered him. She shook her head no and started trying to get Mini Momma’s attention. Love Bug was clinging to me, desperate for me to hold him and not put him down. I walked over to the doorway to the kitchen to introduce myself to the young man and asked him if he has ever met Love Bug, knowing he hadn’t. I sat on the couch uninvited and asked Mini Momma if her Grandma was home. She shook her head no and went back to watching the video game with her finger in her mouth. Eventually, the young man came out of the kitchen and video called Grandma, who was still at work. Grandma talked first to Chica Marie who stuck her finger in her mouth and refused to say anything. Then, the phone was turned towards Love Bug who had finally released his death grip on my neck and was talking to Primero about what he saw on the TV. Grandma spoke to me, asking when I would bring Mini Momma back. Mini Momma quickly answered she wanted to return the next day at three. I was stunned that she wanted to come back so quickly. I told Grandma we were going to the pool and I wasn’t sure what time we would be back. There was static on the line and Grandma couldn’t hear me so she asked me to text her. I asked Mini Momma to gather her things and made sure she had a bathing suit and we left.

 

We had planned to get dinner at the local diner but Primero wanted to go home to get his cell phone charger first. He was going to just go home alone, since the diner is within walking distance, but I figured it was just as easy for me to drive us there. Fortunately, I made that decision because while I was waiting with the kids in the hot car, Love Bug’s speech therapist pulled up. I had forgotten she asked to reschedule from Wednesday because I got back later from my training in Harrisburg. We all went inside the house and I sent the girls to Chica Marie’s bedroom so the speech therapist could work with Love Bug. After her visit, we went to the diner and then drove to the Redbox before returning home to wait to pick up Esperanza and Cousin, once Esperanza was home from work.

 

We put the little ones to bed and the older ones played Just Dance for a bit before putting on the scary movie. I stayed up too late watching the movie, which woke up Love Bug. Eventually, I went to bed and the three teens went downstairs to Primero’s room where they stayed up the rest of the night. The younger three were up bright and early, much to my dismay, and so I had to drag myself from my bed much earlier than I had planned. I made them waffles for breakfast and changed Love Bug out of his pajamas. While I prepared our things for the pool, the kids played together in Chica Marie’s bedroom. They played airplane on the air mattress, with Mini Momma using her legs to push Chica Marie up into the air much as I had done for my siblings when we were younger. Love Bug would crash into them, creating a heap of giggling kiddos and a few mishaps. At one point Chica Marie got angry that Mini Momma was playing with Love Bug and she stormed out of her room. I spoke with her about learning to all play together and had her sit until she was calm and ready to play nice. It seemed to help a bit, but she was still jealous for her sister’s attention just as Love Bug was trying to get Chica Marie’s attention. It’s a hard thing, learning to be siblings again and again. When Mini Momma is around Chica Marie wants to revert to being the baby for Mini Momma to take care of her. And Love Bug is confused because he is used to playing with just Chica Marie and getting all of her attention. Mostly, their play time was nice and they got along and filled the house with their laughter. But, there was an undercurrent of unfamiliarity and some tension that seeped into their merriment.

 

I had told Primero we were going to the pool on Saturday and when it was clear they would not be getting up before we left at noon, I text him to let him know where we would be and that I wasn’t sure when we would be home. Primero tried to reach me around 3:30 because Esperanza had to work at 4, but I didn’t see the missed calls until we were back in the van sometime around 4:30. We had a nice time at the pool, everyone was well-behaved. I spent a good chunk of time with Mini Momma, who clung to me and wanted me to swim with her. Chica Marie would not leave the shallow end of the pool and acted totally detached from me and Mini Momma. On several occasions we tried to invite her into the deeper water with us, but she said, “Go! Go and leave me here!” She seemed content to hang onto the wall and chat with the other kids. Love Bug fell asleep in the pool and took a nice long nap. It was sort of strange being there with the mobile therapist but it worked out ok. I felt bad that she ended up sitting with Love Bug while he napped, until I could extract myself from the girls to sit and talk with her. I think she is a little more attached to us than is clinically expected, but who am I to complain about it? We got to use her guest passes for a free afternoon at a very nice pool, for which I am very grateful. It certainly wasn’t something she had to do, but it did give her a chance to see how Chica Marie acts outside the home as well as witness the dynamic between her and her older sister.

 

While at the pool Mini Momma began begging for a happy meal from McDonald’s. One time last year while she was visiting we went to McDonald’s after the pool and so she had it in her mind we should always do that. I knew the older kids had gone to McDonald’s for breakfast around 2, so they would not want that for dinner. I decided to get two happy meals and let them share it and I would get something to eat later with the older kids. The kids ate their happy meals while I took a shower. Primero also showered and then went back downstairs. I sat down around 5:30, thinking Primero would soon be back upstairs. Unfortunately, I fell asleep and Primero got a call from his mom, so we didn’t leave around 6, as I had planned. I woke up around 6:30 and told Primero we needed to go. He eventually came upstairs with his cousin who was crying due to some of the things Primero’s mom had said. He began relaying the whole conversation to me as I ushered all the kids out of the house because we were going to be late getting back to pick up Esperanza from work. I text Grandma to let her know we were on our way back.

 

When we arrived at Grandma’s house the same young man (who I discovered was Grandma’s step-son) was sitting outside with two friends. He opened the house up when he saw us and I sensed right away that Grandma wasn’t home. He tried calling her but she didn’t answer. Mini Momma was immediately back on her corner of the couch sucking her finger and disinterested in our departure. I didn’t beleaguer our parting and withdrew after a hasty good-bye. I was miffed that the grandmother wasn’t there again. It didn’t really bother me much the previous afternoon, even though I picked up the kids specifically to see her, but it really bugged me when we took her back home. Maybe it was because the grandmother had asked during the video chat, “When are you bringing her back, so I can be home?” She did call me about half-way through our trek back home and was very happy that everyone had a good time and said we all need to get together soon. She also mentioned older siblings and wanting Chica Marie specifically to meet up with them. And that’s when I had to get honest with myself. Mini Momma might be able to fit into the current living situation with no serious regression, but I don’t think Chica Marie would fare as well.

 

Chica Marie needs structure, it is the only way she can cope. Our routine has become predictable to her and so she is able to transition and not become totally unhinged. I know, from two short visits I cannot say what it’s like all the time, but it seemed like it was no big deal for the step-brother and cousins that they were left home alone with Mini Momma. The step-son is about Primero’s age, maybe a year older, and the cousins are both older than Mini Momma, but I would have major concerns leaving Chica Marie there for a sleep-over. She has been asking for a sleep-over at her grandmother’s house for a very long time. But, I would be very uncomfortable leaving her there if the situation was the same as when I dropped off Mini Momma. Chica Marie would be hanging from the drapes in a matter of moments. I might be more comfortable with a sleep-over if Grandma was there the whole time, but it doesn’t seem like that happens. I might be ok with it if her partner were there, but I didn’t see her either. Just the kids. Sure, I leave Chica Marie and Love Bug with Primero from time to time, but it’s in our home where everyone knows the rules and expectations. I wouldn’t leave Mini Momma with him and the younger two for more than a hot minute simply because that would be too much for Primero to handle.

 

The other worry I have is about Chica Marie seeing older siblings, specifically older brothers. I don’t know what truly happened, but CYS determined it was not a good idea for the younger sisters to be with their older brothers. Given how unstable Chica Marie has been with her behaviors, I worry about a serious regression that could have serious consequences if it were to happen at school. I wouldn’t want Chica Marie to be thrown into something that could trigger her without preparing her first. And, I think it’s something that I would only consent to after speaking with CYS and her therapy team to help me help her prepare for it. I mean, she hasn’t seen any of her older brothers since she moved in with me two years ago, so it would be something even without the extra layers of concern. I certainly wouldn’t want Grandma to trundle Chica Marie off to see her brothers and set off a domino chain of events that cause her harm. Yet, the question is, how do I convey all of this to Grandma without jeopardizing our relationship?

 

CYS and CHOR have touted my relationship with Grandma as some amazing feat, but in reality we hardly know one another. When Love Bug was tiny and Chica Marie had first moved in with me we would visit with Grandma once a month at a diner roughly half-way between our homes. The last time we had such a meeting was in January of 2015 when Love Bug was just 6 months old. Grandma attended Love Bug’s first birthday party roughly 6 months after that and that was the last time we saw her. We have spoken a few times and texted a few times, but nothing that feels very concrete to me. I want to keep her involved in the little ones lives and be able to have visits and a connection, but I worry sometimes about striking wounds that haven’t even been unearthed in Chica Marie. I don’t suppose I’m the only foster-adoptive mama who worries about this, but trying to navigate it is certainly tricky!