Primero and I have been watching a show called, “Switched at
Birth.” If you haven’t seen it, I would recommend finding it on Netflix. For a
lot of reasons, the show resonates with us for various reasons. One thing that
is hitting home for me right now is the one mother’s inability to let go of her
young adult children. Their oldest, who just graduated from high school, got
married against their advice to wait and then moved out of their home. The mom
demanded the father “do something” to force their son to move back in and I
felt it; that sense of confusion in no longer parenting a teenage child but
allowing a young adult the room to make their own decisions and mistakes. The
mother in the show seemed to be suffering a deeper identity crisis, since she
spent most of her adult life as a stay-at-home mom with no outside job beyond
caring for her home and family. This, I do not identify with, but her sense of
loss at watching her children pull away from her and set out on their own, this
I understand.
I have been parenting at an accelerated rate since Primero
moved in 2 ½ years ago at age 14. I was jumping into motherhood of a teenager,
of a child who had already experienced a lot of life and had formed a lot of
his own ideas and moral codes. In the beginning, I felt like I had my hand on
the rudder, gently guiding Primero along to make good choices. But, my
influence has been minimal and Primero has been mostly resistant to my attempts
to steer him down a better path. Now, at 16, he bristles at the idea that I
parent him at all. Many moons ago, following one of our disagreements, Primero
confessed to struggling with allowing anyone to parent him. He acknowledged he
had spent too many years governing himself and chaffed at anyone else telling
him what to do. Of course this is not just a foster-adoption issue, this is
something all teenagers believe; they can take care of themselves. Still, full
disclosure, I fear losing Primero and I dread the day when he decides to spread
his wings and fly on his own.
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As mother to three adults/almost adults (21, 19, and 16) I can relate. They're still all home, for various reasons, but not looking forward to flying day either. Sending good thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like a positive note within this struggle is that you and Primero are having open, honest conversations about it.
ReplyDeleteYou've taken on such a hard challenge: Being parent to a teenager is hard enough... but to be a parent to one who came to you as a teenager? You get loads of credit! I think every parent can relate to that dread of them moving on and out. I was talking with my 10 years olds the other day about whether they'd want to go to sleep away camp next year. And they're still all sleeping in the same room. Even the thought of them separating and going into their own rooms is a scary portend of them growing up to me.
ReplyDeleteLoved Switched at Birth! I watched the first two or three seasons until they took it off Hulu.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you feel that fear. I also believe that love always matters and that our influence extends beyond what we can see.