I can’t breathe. Fear and paranoia have a death grip on my windpipe and I can’t get enough air. I stand staring at the unimaginable, the unthinkable as it slowly becomes a reality. I won’t survive this a second time, I barely survived it the first time…..
Last Thursday we met Primero’s new adoption case worker. She was very nice and she seemed to like us. All records from CHOR indicate Primero has been doing well. Staff have commented on how much he has grown, on how his behaviors have evaporated and for six months there have been no issues, no problems to complain about. The case worker was pleased with our match, stating if she had looked for a family for Primero she would never have found such a good match. We agreed. We glowed, basking in the wonderfulness that is our little family in the making. We felt like we were making progress to becoming a forever family. Until Friday that is.
Right now, each kid has their own CHOR case worker, which means that I need to have three different case workers traipsing through my home at three different times and various intervals. Primero only needs to see his case worker once a month since he has now been with me for 6 months (on Thursday, it was 6 months, can you believe it?). When we get a new placement, CHOR needs to come out weekly for a month, then bi-weekly for a month, and then just monthly unless there are issues. The baby is bi-weekly now and the little girl is still weekly. So, after Primero’s case worker and county adoption worker left, the baby’s case worker stopped by. On Friday, the little girls’ case worker was knocking on the door as I was answering the phone call from Primero’s case worker.
We have been asking if Primero can do cyber school instead of attending the local junior high because neither of us want him there for various reasons. The adoption case worker promised to ask about it back at the county agency and felt that since I would be sending him to cyber school after adoption, there might be hope. So, the CHOR case worker started the conversation by telling me the adoption worker went back to the county and when she inquired about cyber school she learned of a previous issue the county had with me. Something about the divorce, the CHOR case worker said. And in that moment, I felt my world tilt, my stomach clenched into a fist as anxiety tore through my system, shaking me to my very core. I forced myself to exhale, to take a calming breath. I told the case worker my story. I didn’t hide, I didn’t try to justify what was done, I just told her like it is. And I told her if the county refused to let the adoption continue, they were being vindictive towards me. I’ve towed the line ever since that incident 2 ½ years ago and I’ve had nothing but glowing reports from CHOR. Everyone was/is so happy that Primero found a loving home where he wants to be. I think it would be detrimental to Primero if the county decides to start looking for a different adoptive home for him or if they remove him from my home. But, I know better than to go toe-to-toe with the county. I will grovel, I will beg, I will jump through as many hoops as they decide to set in front of me, just so long as they don’t take my son from me.
I’m just so scared, so, so terrified that “it’s” happening again, that I will lose it all. I fear I will wake up one morning and all the children (they are all the same county) will be gone. I truly don’t think I could emotionally survive that again, losing the first baby was hard enough. He was only with me for a short period of time, Primero has been with me much longer and we have been through so much already. In our heart of hearts, we know we are mother and son, we have bonded and we have embraced these roles. But, it is a house of cards that can be easily torn down. I have said that nothing is solidified in adoption until the ink dries on the paperwork and I was right to be so pessimistic. It’s like I’m Frodo and I’ve slipped the ring back on my finger and attracted the unwanted attention of the great burning eye of Sauron. [“Concealed within his fortress, the lord of Mordor sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Gandalf: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.” Saruman]. I am uneasy, worried about every action I take, every decision I make, that it could cause the county to swoop in and take everything away from me. I won’t be able to breathe, I won’t rest easy until the adoption is finalized. Even then, I’m sure I will be looking over my shoulder……
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