Spitting Mad

Last night at cheerleading practice Chica Marie spit in the face of one of her teammates. I was busy trying to keep Love Bug distracted without using my phone, which is what he wanted. We were coloring and I had just relented to allow him to watch one video on my phone when another mom walked up to me. “Your Chica Marie’s mom right?” she asked. I affirmed that I was and she responded with, “Well, your daughter just spit in my daughter’s face.” I wish I had seen the incident but I’m also glad I didn’t witness it. I called Chica Marie over to me and asked her what happened. She denied doing it, so I told her I knew she did because the other mom saw it and told me. I told her to go apologize and we left practice. During the car ride home I tried to ask her what happened and the only explanation she offered was that the other girl said she moved. She had been moved from her usual spot in the back row, next to this girl in the front row. I made suggestions of other things she could do, besides spitting in the girl’s face. If the girl was bothering her she could walk away, she could come over and tell me about it, she could tell the coach, she could ask the girl to stop. Spitting in someone’s face is never a good option.

 

Chica Marie had been doing good at cheerleading, she knows all the words to all the cheers, even if she doesn’t really know the exact moves. She seems to enjoy cheerleading and is still excited every week for practice. I want her to be able to continue. I warned her last night that behaviors like spitting in someone’s face, would mean she could not participate in cheerleading because it was not an ok behavior. I don’t know if she will still be placed next to the same girl at the games this weekend, but hopefully if she is it will be a more pleasant experience for both of them.

Tragedy

I use this blog to help me process some of the painful things that happen in my life, mostly related to infertility, adoption and relationships. Every now and then something happens that is too painful to even write about, to make cohesive sentences. So, I will now try to just share the facts of what is happening and maybe later I can share more of my feelings surrounding the happenings. As always, this is my side of the story and, should you happen to know and ask the other side, I’m sure it would sound differently. I cannot speak of what I do not know. So, my story is what we have.

 

Monday morning I had to do my yearly blood test for our Get Healthy program at work. It helps save money on my insurance, so I begrudgingly do it. I chose to make an appointment on Monday because I was already off of work for Columbus/Indigenous People’s day and Love Bug had his four year old physical. So, we do the blood work and then drive to Love Bugs appointment where I discovered I had a missed call from Esperanza. I text her back, letting her know we were in an appointment and I would call her when we were done. She responded by telling me Hermano’s baby was born earlier that morning but there was a complication. The umbilical cord had prolapsed which cut off the oxygen supply to the baby. He was born via emergency Caesarian but he was not breathing. Esperanza was trying to reach Primero, who was home asleep.

 

Once we got home from the appointment, Primero was awake and wanted to go to the hospital. He took the van and left just before noon. He came back home around 3 to drop off the van and he left again with a family member. Around 7 pm he was back home and explained a little more what had happened. The baby was in a medically induced coma to help him heal. He was not breathing on his own. The family was allowed to visit with him briefly. At 10:20 at night Primero came upstairs from his bedroom. He was on the phone telling the person on the other line he would see them soon. “The baby had a heart attack,” he explained. I expressed my condolences and told him it was late and he still had school the next day. I asked him if he thought he could be back in an hour, around 11:30. He quickly agreed and took off in the van once more. I went to bed at 11:30 and he was not back home. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I text him around 12 asking where he was and reiterating he had school in the morning. He didn’t respond for several minutes, then said they were just finding things out. I text him again at 12:30. By 1 am I was angry. I asked him what he was doing that he could not do the next day after school. He came home a little after 1 am and I eventually fell asleep after Love Bug came and asked me to take him to the bathroom around 2 am.

 

Tuesday morning I woke up to a text message from Primero notifying me that he had left to be with his brother and family. He said I wouldn’t understand, but he had to be there. I responded that I was disappointed in him for sneaking out and I worried about the consequences of him missing school. I told him he would need to report to the school that he was not coming in for the day. I was not pleased with his choice, it did not make sense to me why he needed to miss school; he could go straight to his brother’s place or the hospital once school let out. Later in the day he text me stating he was excused from school for the day and 3 additional days. I called him because if I thought one day out of school was unwarranted, three was excessive. We fought and some of the things he said are still carving their way through me. He did not come home last night. I don’t know when he will be back home. As he asserted, I do not understand what is going on. He insisted he needed to be there for his brother and his mom and his other brother and Esperanza. He has not text me or spoken to me since our phone conversation. I doubt I will see him or hear from him for the rest of the week.

 

From our interaction I have come to a realization. I have had my eyes opened and I know I need to do things differently going forward. This has been a very tragic event. I don’t know how much the tragedy has colored our interaction. But, this seems to be the culmination of a lot of things that have been happening over the course of the last year and especially the last six months. I am feeling very pessimistic about the future at the moment. Prayers and positive thoughts for the baby and family would be appreciated.  

Wanted

After months of waiting, we finally got the new birth certificates for Love Bug and Chica Marie. So, slowly their names are being changed with various entities. A few weeks ago, I finally took Chica Marie’s new birth certificate to her school for her official name change. Love Bug was with me as we visited the office. The secretary who took the information was pretty straight forward and to the point. She offered a simple congratulations and proceeded to update the necessary information. The other secretary took more of an interest in things. “So, her other mom should be removed from the file, right?” I nodded an affirmation and tried to shush a grumpy Love Bug who wanted to watch The Polar Express movie on my phone (spoiler, it is not on Hulu or Netflix right now). The second secretary continued her questioning, “Is their mom still in the area?” Again I nodded. “So what happened? She didn’t want them?” Oh. My. God. Did you really just say that? In front of me? In front of Love Bug? In front of a million and one other students and parents in the office right now? I looked at her sternly and through gritted teeth I said, “Their mother loves them very much. She is just dealing with a lot of her own demons.” Like what the hell lady? Does she not know this is the most painful question an adopted person will ask themselves? I’m glad Love Bug was obsessing over the non-existent Polar Express movie and not intently listening to our conversation. I was so angry, I could not get us out of the room fast enough. But, since I needed the birth certificate to be returned to me, I was stuck. And the secretary, not picking up on my non-verbal cues, continued. “I’ve never wanted to ask Chica Marie about it, I mean does she know her mom? Does she know she was adopted?” Feeling downright hostile, I glared at her, “Yes, Chica Marie knows about her adoption. It is not some big secret. She talks about it when she wants to. I’m sure most of the time she wants to be treated with respect, just like any other student in the school.” The birth certificate was returned to me and I quickly escaped with Love Bug, relieved for the incident to be over. As I strapped Love Bug into his car seat I whispered to him, “Your mom loves you. She misses you. Remember how happy she was to see you over the summer? Never forget that Love Bug.” He stared at me with his big brown eyes and said, “I love you Mommy. And I love Mommy V too.” How does a 4 year old understand what an adult woman cannot?

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Biology Reigns Supreme

*** Note, there is a spoiler to the recent episode of This is Us ***

Recently I read on another infertility blog about a surprise pregnancy. The implications of the unintended pregnancy went beyond the surprise and the complications of getting pregnant when you think you can’;, the expectant mother is also dealing with the emotional fall-out of having a biological child after adjusting to not having that connection to her other children. Her children were conceived using donor eggs, so while she gave birth to the babies, she is not connected to them biologically. I liken it to my situation with my adopted children. I can relate to the difficulties presented when the new child will have something the others will not; a biological connection to the mother who is raising them.

 

There was a time when Primero worried about me finding a partner and having a miraculous pregnancy. He asked, “What would happen to us?” thinking I would cancel their adoptions or something equally as cruel if I were to get pregnant. I answered flippantly, telling him he would have to baby-sit, but I brought it back up to him later and told him nothing would happen. If I were to have a biological child, it would not change his station in the family. Adoption is forever.

 

On the most recent episode of This is Us, Kate tells Kevin she is the only Pearson likely to pass on “a piece” of their dad. When Kevin relays this conversation to Randall, he is understandably and visibly shaken. It’s almost as if his sister did not see him as part of the family because his DNA would not match their father’s. Viewers of the show can identify traits of his adopted father in Randall; his sense of family and commitment to those he loves is one that comes to mind. Still, even being raised as a brother since infancy, biology reigned king in Kate’s mind.

 

While a surprise pregnancy is as likely as winning the lottery, I also believe it would be complicated for my parents, specifically my mom. I know my mom looked forward to a pregnancy and being with her daughter while she is expecting. I have no doubt my mom would dote on me and she would probably excitedly buy more clothing than the baby could ever wear. I would need to work hard to temper her excitement because it would bother me that she didn’t share the same excitement the first time I became a mother, when I adopted Primero. It is often this thought alone that makes feel ok with never having a biological child because then I would never have to face the differences biology would bring up. It is certainly complicated….. 

Debate

I hate politics. I hate the bickering and fighting. I hate the twists and spins on every story and detail. I hate the polarizing and inability to get along with any semblance of human decency and respect. And, I really hate that there are so many people who characterize and stereotype the “other side” to the point that you’d think they were an entirely other species and not human or American at all. Most of all, I have very little respect for politicians. I respect the folks who collect my garbage and recycling much more than I respect the folks who supposedly represent me in local, state, and federal government. I do vote, it is my civic duty after all, but it feels just like that, a necessary and undesirable duty. My inner history major reminds me of the time in a not-so-distant future when I would not have had the privilege of voting, which keeps me returning to the poles, but it’s like flossing my teeth or cleaning the toilet; just hold my breath and get it over with. It seems every year I detest the chore more and more.

 

Given my dislike of politics, debate, if it is civil and focused on the issue not personal attacks, is not something that bothers me. In fact, one of my favorite classes in college was a debate class I took while studying abroad in Greece. So, when Primero invited me to attend the presidential debate at his school yesterday afternoon, I relished the chance. Mostly, because he invited me and wanted me to be there, but also because there would be guidelines and the debate would be civil, not contentious. I was hoping Primero, who is running as a vice-presidential candidate, would be given a chance to speak but he was not. Still, both of the teams did a good job in discussing the topics presented to them. They were only given the topics yesterday afternoon and they did not know the specific questions that would be posed. It was interesting to hear their ideas for their school and a current events question about making it possible for American’s to vote online. Of course, they were not permitted to slander one another or even talk to one another during the debate, but even without the rules, I think they would have stuck to the topics. The two presidential candidates mentioned how they would work together, no matter who won, then hugged after the event and walked back to class together. The “professional” politicians could learn a lot from them.

Days Like This

I wish I could write and say my day got better yesterday, but it just didn’t. It was one of those days momma said there’d be; just a not-so-great day. Too bad it had to be on my birthday. I was really emotional at work, trying to not sob at my deck. I left just after noon to take Love Bug to the dentist. I barely made it to my van before the dam broke and the sobs and tears escaped. Too bad the drive to the daycare is short, I ended up sitting in the van until I could get ahold of myself. Love Bug did not have a good morning at daycare but he did really good at the dentist. He had a tiny cavity that they filled without issue ({no Novocain). After going home for a bit, we took one of the new foster dogs we got over the weekend on a walk to pick Chica Marie up at school. I had a raging headache from my emotional unrest all morning and finally took some Aleve so it wouldn’t build into a full-blown migraine. I had every intention of meeting my work friend for drinks, even though I know I would have been miserable and judgey knowing she was pregnant. But, Primero’s friend needed to be at an interview at the same time and so, I stayed home and made dinner instead. Some of the normalcy made me feel a little better. This morning, when I got to work my desk was decorated for my belated birthday. It made me angry and I quickly took it all down. Apparently, my birthday was on an inconvenient day and the person who was charged with decorating it thought doing it a day late would be cool. I know she was upset that I didn’t leave the decorations up for the day, but she doesn’t know how shitty it made me feel yesterday to have my birthday go unnoticed. Perhaps I might have been able to handle things better if I had only gotten a little more sleep the night before. Momma said there’d be days like this….

Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday.

 

Last night my co-worker friend text me a picture of a positive pregnancy test. Last Thursday she got a DUI. She plans on terminating the pregnancy. In her text message she asked me to “be there for her” because she “is going to need me.” I don’t know why this  couldn’t wait until Tuesday. Her and I were supposed to go out for drinks after work tonight. I really don’t want to go.

 

Primero and I got into a tiff last night because he used the van to take a friend to work, only instead he hung out at his friend’s house and didn’t get home until nearly midnight. I was livid and he, of course, thinks it wasn’t a big deal.

 

For all of my other co-workers who have birthday’s recently, a staff member has decorated their desks and cubicles. I got into work expecting to see streamers and decorations. There were none. Not even a card. It made me feel like crying.

 

The highlight of my day will be taking Love Bug to the dentist. At least I get to leave work early.

 

Happy Birthday to me.

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