What Would Happen to Us?

A few weeks ago, probably not long after we had received the date for finalization, I dreamt I was pregnant for three nights in a row. I’ve had pregnancy dreams before with varying outcomes, so that isn’t so unusual. It just so happened that, as we were running errands, Primero and I were talking about the meaning of dreams and I used my recent rash of pregnancy dreams probably being connected to his finalization as an example. After a brief lull in our conversation Primero said, “So, like what would happen, like say if you ever got pregnant? Like, what would happen to us?” I responded, “What would happen to you? Well, I guess you guys would have to baby-sit.” I immediately regretted being so flippant and so I continued, “You aren’t going anywhere. If by some miracle I find someone and end up pregnant (haha!) that wouldn’t make you or the others any less my kids.” And then Chica Marie interrupted any further discussion by announcing she needed to poop and so we hurried home and spoke of it no more. But, it hurt my heart to think that Primero believed, even if it was just a brief moment of doubt, that I would abandon him for a (theoretical) biological child. Will he ever feel secure and know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is my child not my adopted child but just simply my son? Maybe I don’t tell him enough. I should work on that.

 

But, there is a glimmer of hope in all of this! Last night Esperanza and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she was lounging with her legs on my lap. Chica Marie told her, “get your legs off my mommy” because she wanted to sit on my lap. This lead Esperanza to declare, “She’s not your mommy, she’s my mommy” and an all-out war ensued. After Chica Marie started to cry and Love Bug decided he too wanted to sit on my already full lap, Primero stated, “Well, you can’t say she’s not my mommy, now can you?” Smiling I replied, “That’s right!” and cuddled with the two little ones and Esperanza’s feet all on my lap. Maybe it is beginning to sink in…..