The other morning as I was in the bathroom doing Chica
Marie’s hair, Primero mentioned his mom didn’t like that we went to his uncles
for the holidays. When we went to see Santa at the mall on Saturday Primero and
Esperanza went off on their own while I waited in line with the little ones. I
text them that we were next and when they finally came back they had their aunt
and uncle in tow. Apparently, they had bumped into one another and spent some
time hanging out until I called the two big kids back to watch the photo
session. Love Bug did surprisingly well with Santa, Chica Marie told Santa she
wanted a rainbow for Christmas, and we have a truly beautiful picture of them
with great big smiles on their faces. Plus, they waited so patiently in line!
Score! Anyway, the conversation was a result of something Primero’s
uncle told him. I guess his mother told her brother she doesn’t like that we
all go to family functions at his place. The uncle was sure to point out that
she is always invited, but he isn’t going to kiss her rear to come. And, to be
completely honest, there have been a few occasions where the penal system has
kept her away. I asked Primero why he thought his mother was upset by this and
he said he didn’t know. I didn’t ask, but thought about it later, if she was
more upset that he was there or that we were all there as a family? I guess it
doesn’t really matter. What Primero said next shocked me. He said he was
growing weary of trying to continue chasing his mother for a relationship (I’m
paraphrasing what he said but hopefully getting to the gist of his meaning). He
said, “The phone works both ways, you know.” I told him I would always
encourage him to have a relationship with his mother but I totally understood
where he was coming from and maybe he needed to let things settle for a little
while, given the latest news. He didn’t think his mother knew he was officially
adopted. “Um, it was a huge post on Facebook, how could she not know?” He
agreed that this might be causing her to pull away at the moment and we
continued our rushed preparation to leave for school and court. But WOW! Never
has Primero ever considered taking a step back from his mom and letting her
come to him to keep their relationship going. He’s always been the one pursuing
his mother, the one insisting on being there for her in a way a teenage child
doesn’t need to be there for their parent. It felt like he was finally getting
it and not necessarily in a bad way but in a healthy way. He is maturing and
beginning to realize he needs to keep himself emotionally safe and not be her
emotional doormat. Maybe I’m reading too much into the simple conversation, but
I don’t think I am. I think I’m right about it and I’m glad.
Tuesday night was the CHOR Christmas party. For weeks
Primero has been concerned about getting a Christmas present at the party
because he would be adopted and no longer a foster child with CHOR. This would be his last CHOR Christmas party. I assured
him he would definitely get a present and when it came time to RSVP I told them
the four of us would be coming. All of a sudden, when I was picking him up to
take him to the party, he didn’t want to go. He wanted to go to the CFA
instead. Esperanza was going to the CFA without him and I suspected this was
partially the problem but I told him I had RSVP’ed for all of us and felt it
was only right for all of us to show up. He was not pleased and showed his displeasure
by refusing to sit with me and the little ones and basically just shunning me.
Teenagers are fun! I found out, as the night wore on, why he was so worked up
about being at the CFA with his sister and not the holiday party. He had mentioned
the night before how some boys at the CFA were interested in Esperanza, but given
what I know about that crowd of kids, I didn’t think anything of it. I mean,
these kids are hopped up on some serious sex hormones because they will all basically
do anything with anyone anytime and anywhere. But, I digress. Anyway, Primero
let it slip that when his sister first started going to the CFA over the summer
and spent a long time away at “lunch” she was in fact having sex with one boy
who is a notorious playboy (and certainly fits the description above). Hmmm…..
No wonder we were in to see the gyno not long after that episode…… So, Primero
was worried about her being there alone because he didn’t want her to get the
reputation of a slut. He wanted me to banish her from the CFA and I declined,
stating if I was going to do that I would have done it to him to get him away
from his girlfriend because I didn’t like her. I told him there was no way he
could stop his sister if she truly wanted to be with someone and that it would
probably only ruin their relationship if he tried. I said he should talk to her
about his worries and express to her that she doesn’t need to be with one of
the those horny boys just to find some self-worth. I promised to not reveal I
knew the secret of her having sex with this boy and mentally vowed to really,
really encourage her to get on birth control. It struck me, as the truth behind
his sudden shunning of the Christmas party slowly leaked out, that Primero is as
hyper-vigilant about his sister as he used to be about himself. In the
beginning Primero would not let me parent him, he would try to do everything
himself because that’s how it had always been. As he learned to trust me he’s
let his guard down and allowed me to take over the role of parent and he the
child. But, he’s resumed his parental role with his sister, even though she’s a
few years older than him. I guess her tenuous situation makes him feel like he
has to take on that role again, but I can tell it chafes his sister when he
does it. Yes, she is emotionally behind when it comes to being adult enough to
take care of herself, but that doesn’t mean it’s his job to take care of her. I
feel like this is a conversation we will continue to have, at least until
Primero feels like Esperanza is more stable and she grows more independent.
At the Christmas party, I spent most of the time chasing
Love Bug around as he constantly made a mad dash for the exit. Primero passed
the time sitting in the bleachers with one of his friends. They tried to sit outside
the gym in the vestibule but his friend’s foster mother did not trust them
being out of sight and made them come back inside. So, they made the bleachers
the hang out place and few other teenagers joined them. Chica Marie flitted about
from one “big” kid to the next, finding anyone who would pick her up and treat
her like a baby. Sigh. This was something that bugged me but I don’t know if it
should. Is it healthy to let Chica Marie cling to the older kids the way she
does? She spent a large chunk of time sitting on a teenage boys lap letting him
treat her like a little baby doll, rather than playing with the entertainer and
other kids her age (they have a man come and sing and dance with the kids to
get them excited for Santa to visit. They parade around the gym, dance the
Macarena, sing Christmas carols, and throw “snowballs”). When I tried to
encourage Chica Marie to play with the other kids she told me she was too
tired. She would rather cling to a boy than play. Now, this teenage boy is not
a stranger to her, she spent a few weekends with his family when she was in
respite. But, shouldn’t she be playing with the other kids her age rather than
being so desperate for attention from anyone, but specifically a male? Whenever
she begins her new therapy (ugh! The court order has been signed so now it’s
just a matter of the insurance approving it and the new therapist coming out to
start the services), I will need to discuss this with the professional and see
what she (he – we’ve never had a male therapist, but hey, it could happen!)
says about it. Does she need more time from me? She’s been the middle kid for over
a year now but maybe that’s not something that a kid gets over that quickly?
She was the baby for three years before her brother came along, so perhaps she
feels the need to revert back to being a baby to make up for the time she lost?
I don’t know. I do know I struggle with this kid the most. I know that I need to
be more patient with her and find ways to relate to her better. I feel like
most of the time I’m just a rule enforcer for her. I feel the most disconnected
from Chica Marie and I need to find a way to not be like that. Maybe we need
another girls day together so she can have all my attention. Maybe we’ll do
something that requires us actually interacting instead of her going off to play
and me making sure she is playing appropriately. I don’t know. I need to try
harder with her.
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