It's a New Year

Today is the last day of 2015. Generally, I like to take this time to reflect on the past year and makes plans for a better year to come. Facebook has helpfully reminded me of some painful end of the year events from a few years ago, specifically the Christmas  Miracle baby. As well as some sadly ominous declarations – such as declaring 2012 was going to be the BEST year yet when it turned out to be the worst year of my life. So, I haven’t had a very good track record when it comes to the end of the year. But, I’m starting to come around. For so long I was resentful that biology dealt me a raw deal that included infertility and angry with myself for being lousy at finding a suitable romantic match. I was angry at how my life had gone off the track in an unexpected way. Added to this disappointment was the heartache of things like the Christmas Miracle baby and the losses of other placements. I didn’t understand why I was forced to march this painful path and I was downright pissed off that it all had to happen the way it did. I saw no reason for the struggle, no goodness to come from the pain. I’ve questioned if “it” would all be worth it once I finally became a mother. In 2015 my dream finally became true – I became a mother officially on 12/9/15. In reality, I’ve been a mother since my first placement in January of 2012 because that is the first time I stepped into this roll of motherhood. But, it was only on a temporary basis and while I was acting out the motions of being a mom, I was not truly anyone’s mother. Now I am.

And so, I suppose, it is time to analyze my previous question – was all I have been through worth it to be Primero’s mother? Would I do it all again so that he would become my son? The simple answer is yes – I would do anything for Primero to be my son because I love him fiercely and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. But, would I really want to relive all that pain and heartache? No, not really. Still, I had a moment of clarity when I was listening to a motivational video a friend of mine has made. In it she asked us to think of someone we really admire. I thought of Helen Keller. Maybe that’s a strange person to think of, but I remember being about 13 and reading about her in school. The short story described how wild she was as a blind and deaf child and I tried to imagine how her world felt to her. I thought, she had every right to be wild! Then she met her teacher, Anne Sullivan, and her world changed because someone took the time to teach her. And Helen Keller went from a wild child to a gracious and bold advocator for people with disabilities. She travelled the world and spoke to thousands of people. Would we know the name of Helen Keller had it not been for a childhood illness that robbed her of her sight and hearing? No, we would not nor would she have been able to reach as many people as she did with her determination. Look at who we admire. Do we admire them because they had it easy, that life was simple for them? No, we admire a person because against all odds they succeeded, they reached a goal when it seemed downright impossible they could even take the first step towards it. I don’t admire Helen Keller because her life was perfect and rosy posy. I admire her because she didn’t let what might have been a debilitating disability keep her from shining or from following her heart and making the world a better place. I admire her because she became something in spite of her troubles and pain not because she managed to avoid trials and tribulations in her life. She didn’t let her shortcomings or the hand she was dealt hold her back. For too long I’ve lamented what infertility took from me and felt justified in my outrage and hurt. But, by allowing myself to wallow in self-pity I was robbing myself even more. I was letting my shortcomings hold me back, not just from greatness but from my life in general. Instead of thinking about what infertility took from me (and trust me, that list is long!), I need to look at what infertility has given me. Against all odds and despite my crappy attitude (most of the time), I’ve been given a son. Our story is beautiful and I can certainly see the divine intervention along the way. If I had gotten the Christmas Miracle baby or any previous potential placements I would not have my son. If I had been able to produce a biological child I might be stuck in a miserable marriage with a narcissistic jerk and not have the amazing son who’s smile melts my heart. I don’t believe things happen for a reason, but I do believe it’s what we make of things that can change their outcome. I made myself a promise that if I didn’t get an adoption placement by the end of 2014 I would be done, I would stop trying to adopt and give up entirely on motherhood. Little did I know that in 2014 I would be placed with my son by the end of February, a newborn the end of June, and a little girl the beginning of August! I wish I could say I was able to remain positive and upbeat the whole time I was waiting, but I wasn’t I let the heartache break me. Still, like a phoenix, I rose out of the ashes each time determined to see it through to the bitter end.

 

I can’t promise I won’t ever fall back into the trap of feeling sorry for myself because infertility robbed me of a dream or that life just hit me upside the head for a few years. I’m sure I will still have days where I feel like that. My sincere hope is that I won’t wallow in those feelings allowing them to make me believe my life is ruined, but see them as an opportunity for personal growth because of the experience. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, that pain is often necessary for beauty, that sometimes the only way to get what we want is to suffer for it. I don’t think it is in our nature to advocate for pain and suffering, but it is sometimes a necessity in life. Adversity is often times the catalyst to change for a better tomorrow. That’s human nature, I think. So, what does my latest epiphany have to do with the new year? Well, my hope is that I will be able to build on this to see the change in myself that I want to see. I have a nasty little inner perfectionist that wants to dictate a litany of things I need to change about myself, but I won’t let her. I am choosing to concentrate on one major change and two smaller changes. The major change is my weight. It’s out of control right now and has been that way for too long. Yes, I want to look better in pictures for my sister’s wedding, but I also need to get serious about this for my own sake. And yes, I’ve said this before and yes, this has been a new year’s resolution for many years, but it needs to happen and I’m serious about that. And I have a plan. I’m joining a 21 day challenge group with my Beachbody coach (I really hate that name, but whatev) and I’m not stopping until I’ve reached my goal weight. The smaller changes are for me to be more organized, specifically with house cleaning. And I have a plan for that too with the Fly Lady (it’s a website). My final change is to yell at the kids less and that relates to the Orange Rhino website and should be interesting as I try to be more healthy by getting up to work out at 5 am.

 

And so there you have it! 2015 is drawing to a close and we will be spending the evening with Hermano (his foster father called last night to confirm the plans – geeze!) and we will usher in 2016 with hopes for a happy and healthy new year!