No Fanfare

I wonder if holiday’s will always be hard for us, or if we’ll ever be able to pass the time in peace? I thought things were going to go so well this year. We went to his uncle’s early in the day and then went to my uncle’s but still it wasn’t enough. We had planned to go to his uncle’s place earlier but the baby wouldn’t nap and then when he did fall asleep he took a longer nap than expected. I actually woke him up so we could leave. This resulted in us spending less time at Primero’s uncles than we expected. But, I thought it went well. Without the big crowd we were able to better interact and talk to one another. As we were leaving, Primero’s oldest brother was running home to get one of his video games and his uncle and cousin had plans to play all together. Primero asked me if he could come back later, if his uncle could pick him up at my uncle’s place. We had Hermano with us, having picked him up earlier that morning, and I had promised his case worker that he would be with me the entire time. So, Primero was willing to leave his brother, who came to spend time with him and his sister, so they could go back to their uncle’s and play video games. I found it infuriating. We spent time at my uncle’s and they were bored. Nothing but their phones to entertain them, since they didn’t sit with me or eat or do anything else. I had hoped to stay at my uncle’s until we could take Hermano home at 9, but right around 7:30 everyone left and I felt like my aunt and uncle really just wanted their house to themselves again. So, we drove home, planning to get Primero’s DS and then head back to his uncles for a hot minute before I left with Hermano and the little ones to take Hermano home. Primero and I quarreled the entire ride home and when we pulled in front of the house I asked Esperanza to grab pajamas for the baby and Primero announced his uncle wasn’t home, he went to his friend’s house. We were home for less than 30 minutes before we had to leave to take Hermano back to his foster home. Here’s hoping there won’t be a repeat performance for Christmas….

As if the fight with Primero wasn’t enough, my mom said something that still has my eyes stinging with tears. She had been talking my aunt about their parents (my mom’s dad married her best friends mom after my grandmother died) and my mom made some comment about not knowing what would happen to her when she was too old to take care of herself or live alone. Joking, I said, “Well, my basement bedroom should be available by then, you can move right in!” She snipped back that she wouldn’t leave her home. Still joking, I said, “Ok great! Then I can come move in with you!” To which she scoffed, “Psh, you but not all those kids!” Not. All. Those. Kids. THOSE. KIDS. Did she mean the children with me that day because I had Hermano and Esperanza with us or did she mean all the children that I’m fostering and hoping to adopt? Did she really just say these kids were not welcome in her home? Taken aback I responded, “Well, these kids are going to be your grandkids and probably the only ones you’ll get so…” “Not all of them,” was her response before the subject was changed and I tried to collect myself emotionally. Wow! Just wow. I don’t know, maybe she feels it’s ok not to be supportive because I wasn’t there for her how she had hoped during her many rounds of chemo and frequent illness. Maybe it’s her way of getting back at me with or without realizing that’s what she’s doing. I don’t know. I tried to talk to my dad about it but he wasn’t there for the conversation and he mostly just defended my mom, regardless of how hurtful her statement was to me. I need to talk to my mom before Christmas because if the kids aren’t welcome at her house then I won’t be there either. I don’t know if we will have Hermano with us or not but we will have Esperanza so that’s one of “those kids” who doesn’t need to be made to feel unwelcome.

Added to the emotional barb from Thanksgiving is the knowledge that my parents won’t be present during Primero’s finalization and I felt like I had to twist my mom’s arm to get her to baby-sit the kids tonight while I’m at my bible study. I (stupidly) thought she would be excited to baby-sit since she was so upset when I told her the foster care rules back in the beginning. I had to call her twice to ask if she would do it and she hemmed and hawed the whole time, thinking of about 1,001 reasons why it wasn’t going to work. You’d think she didn’t raise three kids of her own the way she was talking. My dad said it was just because she worried that their house wasn’t baby proof enough, but she never even mentioned that. I don’t know if I will ask her again, to be honest. I don’t need to be stressing out about how things are going with the kids when I’m supposed to be getting a break and having some me time. I’ll have to ask a friend to watch the children the next time I have something come up. I’m crushed and that feeling of weightlessness I felt after finding out the new foster care rules has evaporated. Now, I feel like it’s ten times worse because I’m loathe to ask for respite, after making such a big deal about using my own support network and the person I thought would be my go-to seems wholly uninterested. I really didn’t see this coming. I honestly didn’t see it. I thought my parents and family supported Primero’s adoption. I had no idea I would feel so totally alone when this day finally arrived. No one is coming to the adoption. No one congratulated me or Primero. There’s no fanfare, no excitement, no jubilation, no anticipation. No one cares. Even my dad said, “adoption isn’t like having a baby.” I guess that means no one needs to get excited about it.