I Get Knocked Down, but I GET BACK UP AGAIN

So, sometime between feeling sorry for myself and miring in the misery and heartache of losing the baby, I found the strength to FIGHT. I got pissed. And, with the Eye of the Tiger theme song on replay in my mind, I devised a plan. First, I text (texted?) a bunch of friends who were somewhat aware of what is going on. I asked them if anyone would be willing to help me on what I was calling the "save Ashley and the baby champaign." The response was overwhelming. So, I followed up with a message via Facebook, giving my friends more information and suggesting that to help they write emails to the executive director and the director of placement for Berks County Children and Youth Services. This morning my mom called and got their email addresses and I know at least one friend who has sent them an email of support. Here, I will include some of the "talking points" I sent tonight via Facebook for people willing to add their support.

First of all, I want to thank you all immensely for being willing to stand by me in this very difficult time in my life. I am so blessed to have such true friends and I hope you all know that you can count on me to help you out in your hour of need.

Today I spoke with a woman who has been dealing with the Berks County Children and Youth Services folks regarding her great-granddaughter. She states that she sent a letter to the executive director, the director of placement and the supervisor for the social worker overseeing her case and within two hours the director was calling to make an appointment with her. This gives me hope that at least I will have an opportunity to talk to someone above Jessica.

What I am proposing to do it just shower these people with emails of support for me and the baby to stay together, urging the county to reconsider their decision, and questioning where the checks and balances are in this government entity – after all, they are only human and humans make mistakes, so who checks on these decisions to ensure the fewest possible mistakes are made? I look at it this way – I never had the chance to meet with Jessica’s supervisor to plead my case and I never met with the lawyer – if I had been accused of a crime I would have more rights, since I would be judged by a jury of my peers…. At this point, I have nothing to lose but I refuse to be a doormat and lie down and just take it. If nothing else, they will see just how “weak” I am. And I will know that I have done everything possible to fight for “my” son.

So, here are some of the facts to include (as you see fit) in an email to either (or both) the executive director, George Kovarie (gkovarie@countyofberks.com) or the director of placement Barbara Jakubek (bjakubek@countyofberks.com) - feel free to add in any other information you know about me and my character. Also, if anyone is a professional working in the fields of Social Work, early intervention, foster care, or children services, please add your professional insight to this situation.

1) The baby has been with me for a month (5 weeks tomorrow) and in that time his vocabulary has grown from a handful of words to well over 40 (his teacher would have the exact figure on that, if they chose to read her notes….) and recently, he has started putting words together (es mio, es tuyo, este es mio – examples). He has also said his name for the first time and can identify himself. His teacher today said she cannot understand their decisions and she doubts if they ever read the notes she makes. She encouraged me to continue what I am doing because I am doing a good job. I think that should count for something!

2) I am the same person with or without Flaco. In this day and age, a woman is not defined by her husband. They are basing their decision on an opinion (divorce is hard) and an assumption (divorce will be harder for me than I might think) after having met me just three times for a grand total of about 3 hours. They never considered getting the opinion of a marriage counselor or having a psychological evaluation done. They have no evidence that I can’t handle this – and in fact, they do not know me and they do not know the other difficult things I have done in my life, like joining the Peace Corps, navigating immigration on my own (well, with Flaco), and enduring a staph infected dog bite in a third world country. And guess what? I made it out not only ok, but stronger. This divorce will be hard but it will not destroy me, like they think it will.

3) The only person who has regularly witnessed my interaction with the baby is his social worker and she was in favor of me adopting him on my own. No one who made this life altering decision even bothered to try to see me and the baby interacting. I have never met Jessica’s supervisor. I have never met the lawyer who is the baby’s guardian and whom I believe only sees him during court dates. The county interviewed 15 families to find the “perfect” match for the baby. They brought me in the morning before they made the final decision (this was last Friday). In my opinion, they never were considering me, they just made me jump through some more hoops to make themselves feel better about this decision – to placate me. They were pissed that we didn’t tell them on day one we were headed for divorce. Well, guess what? I bet a lot of you were surprised as well – heck, I was surprised too! I’m sorry we couldn’t see the future on the day we met Jessica, but we weren’t hiding anything, things just spiraled out of control very quickly. It’s called life!

4) The baby never called his previous foster mom “mommy” yet a short two weeks with me, he decided on his own to call me “mommy” – I did not prompt him and I never called myself mommy, he came up with it all on his own.

5) The baby’s temper tantrums have really died down. Not to say he doesn’t still have them, but they are much less violent and infrequent than they were the first few weeks. He is learning that no means no and he is better at accepting “no.” Having structure in his life has helped greatly with this. He does very well at the babysitters place and hardly ever cries when I drop him off.

6) The baby is still having a hard time sleeping due to his previous move – something about the night scares him. I can only imagine this will be even worse if he is moved again.

7) The county never bothered to interview my parents, who have offered their unwavering support. My mom called and spoke with Jessica last Friday, to confirm their support for me and their love for the baby, but she was met with indifference and “mmm-hmmm” “thank you” nothing more.

8) I have done nothing wrong! To remove a child from a loving household simply because you don’t like that my husband left and no one told you this would happen, should be a crime! I have not been accused of mistreating the baby, neglecting him, or failing to follow through on recommended instructions or actions with him. By all accounts, the baby has improved and thrived living with me. And this was with or without Flaco. In fact, even when Flaco was living at home, I did more work with the baby and spent more time caring for him. One could argue that not having Flaco around has made it easier on the baby, since there is no more tension between us and squabbling over how little Flaco did to help take care of him.

I am open to answering questions, if you have any or want to discuss something with me. Again, I thank you for your willingness to step up and stand up with me against “Goliath.” My sling shot is ready! I won’t go down without a fight!

So, I might be crazy and this might all be for naught, but I will know that I have fought tooth and nail for "my" baby and against the all powerful rights of the social workers at BCCYS. I have nothing to lose and a sweet, loving, special child to gain.......

It's the End of the World, as I Know it

I had typed up a post while I was at work, but since then everything has changed. I will try to explain and make sense of it all, but I'm not sure I can. My world has shattered. My heart is empty, sitting like a cold stone in my chest, lifeless and heavy. All I know right now is pain. Deep, excruciating pain.

I had a meeting with the county this morning. It was with Jessica and Chantel was there as well. Jessica asked me questions and seemed indignant that we didn't tell her at our first meeting that we were going to get a divorce. Well, that was not on our radar (at least not mine - perhaps Flaco had different thoughts....) at the time. Besides, who sits down with a complete stranger and says, "oh, by the way, we are struggling in our marriage."? I mean, seriously.... And again, things were going well for us when the baby first came to our home. So, I explained my side of the story. This came as a surprise to me too. I explained how I have been coping and managing all on my own. I explained what I planned to do financially. I explained that my parents were willing to help out (and my mom even called and explained to Jessica her opinion and confirm their support).

But, none of this matters. Jessica called me after work to tell me they were going to move the baby somewhere else. Consuelo had called me earlier in the day and told me they had interviewed 15 families! They were never going to let me keep him. They were never seriously considering me as a viable option for the baby. Not if they were interviewing 15 families! So, they made me jump through their hoops all for nothing. The baby will be with me for the next two weeks as they transition him to his "new" family. There will be visitations and play dates and plenty of torture for me.

So my world and my heart have shattered. I have nothing left to give. I am broken. So, so broken. I am completely and utterly alone. I have lost everything in less than two weeks. I am a 30 year old motherless divorcee. I'm pathetic and wretched and miserable. I don't know what I did so wrong in my life that I deserve to suffer this way. Wasn't three years of infertility enough? Wasn't losing Flaco enough? Isn't being broke and on the verge of bankruptcy enough? When will I wake up from this terrible, awful nightmare?!?!?

Big Meeting....

I am meeting with the county tomorrow morning. Chantel emailed me this afternoon to let me know. I am nervous. After the good news last week – that the county would consider me for adopting the baby – I let myself sink into the frame of mind that this will happen. I let myself relax and enjoy being the baby’s mommy. But, now that the “big” meeting is looming over my head, I am nervous about what I will say and how I will handle this meeting. I have been reviewing in my mind some of the tough questions they might ask – like what the hell happened to my marriage. I have been trying to build a wall around my heart, so that I don’t cry or appear weak to them. I have been working out my finances, to tell them how I think I can afford the baby (eh, not sure how that will play out yet, since I am still waiting for the mortgage specialist from the bank to contact me and I have not yet taken Flaco off of my medical or car insurance). I know my mom told Consuelo I might not be moving in with them because I might not be able to sell the house or rent it out as I initially had planned. I did apply for the subsidy for daycare through BCIU, but that could take months until the baby is accepted – they have quite a lengthy waiting list, or so I have heard. I mean, the bottom line is I will be just barely getting by with my salary and the money CHOR sends me for taking care of the baby. Once I adopt the baby and that money disappears, I might be in seriously deep waters. I know I will be getting a raise in July. And I will have the car paid off in August. But, if I can lower the monthly house payments that might make all the difference. I still have to call the credit card companies and see what they can do to help me out – like lower the monthly payments or something. Perhaps I will attempt to do that tonight. The problem is, once the baby goes to sleep I am so exhausted or trying to get so much done (like scrubbing all the floors, as I did Tuesday night) that I don’t have as much free time as it would take to make all those calls. But, I will make it a priority.

Ms. Lonely

Flaco officially moved out this weekend. He came back to the house on Sunday, twice Monday (I had off for President’s Day) and again last night. He still has a large trash bag full of  clothes and shoes in the house. He told me Monday that the place he had been staying since Friday (he was staying in the attic of his friend’s uncles place – he was the sixth adult to be living there) was not working out because there was no heat and no space and he had to walk through other people’s bedrooms to get to the bathroom. So, Sunday night he was moving in with two other friends, not far from our house. He asked if he could keep his things at home until he finished moving and got situated.

Today I kept thinking about stupid things - like I will never kiss Flaco again. We will never cuddle in bed, he won't reach over in his sleep to pull me close to him. He won't jump in the shower to surprise me or text me to tell me what he wants to do when he gets home. My heart aches when I think I will never walk into our bedroom just to kiss him or run my fingers through his hair. It hurts. It sucks. I hate it. 

Sunday I took off my wedding and engagement rings. My finger feels weird without them and it makes me sad to look at the indentation where the rings used to be. I have cut back on my cell phone amenities and the cable/Internet/home phone bundle, although not as much as I had hoped. I’m bummed because I will be missing the season finale for Royal Pains, since I no longer have that channel. I talked to the bank on Saturday to get Flaco off of the account. I also got his portion of the tax refund and gave it to him. He will need it to buy his “new” car. Flaco promised to fix the bedroom window he broke a few months ago. And he agreed to give me a little something per month to help with the credit card debt. When I was at the bank on Saturday I also asked about financial help and the teller I spoke with (she was very nice) said I should consider refinancing the house. We tried several years ago when the interest rates first fell, but we did not have enough equity in the house. We’ve been here five years as of September, and the teller seemed to think that would be enough. She sent my information to the mortgage specialist who will call me within the next couple of weeks. With my tax refund, I will pay off the smaller credit cards to cut out those expenses. I will have the car paid off in August and in July I get a raise. I am hoping to get things all situated to handle the finances on my own  - and still be able to take care of the baby.

Saturday night was the first night I spent alone with the baby – and every night since. I pretty much have us down to a routine now, to get ready in the mornings and when we come home after work. His teacher, Maria, came over Monday morning and basically sat on my couch and watched the baby play (I really don’t see what good she is, but I try not to let it bug me). She did count how many words he knew and he is well over 40 – and more, since I couldn’t remember all the words he uses when she was there. He is learning more words daily and he has also picked up words from the other children at daycare. 

I am feeling numb lately. I am so tired from the lack of sleep. I think I am doing ok with the baby, but the sleep deficit is making it hard for me to not lose my patience. Thankfully the temper tantrums have really slowed to a minimum, mostly when he is really tired or in public (of course). My parents think I am crazy to go forward with this – since it is not a good time in my life. My sister thinks I should use this time to go “eat, pray, love” and live it up as a single woman, maybe move to a big city (I would rather carve out my own liver than live in a big city – I hate cities and they make me feel claustrophobic and give me anxiety). She sees the baby as an anchor around my neck. No, this is not a good time to be adopting a child, but right now the baby is what is holding me together. Providing for him is helping me to not lose my mind in my empty house.

I am going to start therapy next week, to help me work through the process of grieving the loss of my 6 year marriage. I never wanted to be divorced. NEVER. I hate it. But, I can’t make a marriage alone – it takes two. Flaco’s mind is made up. And I hate that people keep asking me if he has changed his mind or if there is any hope for our marriage. Do you not think I have tried all I could to prevent this from happening? Why don’t you go ask Flaco what he has done to keep us together? I have done all I could do and then some. But, that only gets you so far, you know? Flaco wants other things for his life. I think, despite the dismal living situation where he is now, he is happy to be free. He can now work hard and live poorly, so he can save money and buy cows and land in Nicaragua – that is, after he buys a sweet ride. All the things he wanted to do and whined about not being able to do when we were together. But, I am free too. I am free to find a man who will truly love me for being me. Someone who loves animals as much as I do and who likes to spend time with me and my family. I can find someone who looks at a marriage as being a partnership, not just what I can do for him. I am free to not have to do everything in the household (honestly, the only thing I have had to that I did not do before Flaco left is take the trash out Sunday nights). Well, maybe not right now, but eventually. 

So, I am taking things one day at a time. At some point this week, I will have to meet with the county. They have agreed to consider me for adopting the baby. This is good news, since last week they had begun looking for another family for him. I know I will have to live with whatever decision they make. I think I have decided that if they take the baby from me, I will sell the house, the car, and go teach English in Asia. I don’t know how conceivable that will be, since I will still have lots of debts hanging over my head, but I checked into a program a few years ago when Flaco was on a “we need to move to Nicaragua” kick as a job I could have in Nicaragua. The person I spoke to said that in Asia they pay English teachers so well and the cost of living is so low that you can save a pretty penny living there. I just don’t know if I can stick around, wallowing in all the things I will have lost, especially if I lose the baby as well…… 

Oddly enough, there seems to be a rash of pregnant woman around me again. Three women are pregnant at church. I have a former Peace Corps friend who is ready to pop and a friend I worked with previously having her third in 4 years. Last night I found out a long-ago friend is preggo and a girl who was in my church youth group also announced she is expecting. It’s crazy! And, I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me, but it does. Especially, since I might be too old until I am situated and ready to try for a baby again. I think the pain of infertility will be with me for a long time. Maybe some day I will be able to joyfully announce that I found Mr. Right and we are going to be parents together. Right now, that seems like an impossible dream.  I am picking up the pieces. Trying to get things in order. Trying to be strong and power on. I don’t know why this had to happen and I can’t make sense of the pain, but every day I put one foot in front of the other. And I hug my precious little boy and hope we will both be ok – either together or apart……

Leave the Pieces When You Go

I’m still wearing my wedding/engagement rings. I don’t feel ready to take them off yet, as stupid as that sounds. Flaco and I slept in the same bed last night with the baby as a buffer between us. It’s so strange. We are being more cordial to one another and nicer to one another now than we have been in a long time. In the few moments I find myself alone, I sob uncontrollably – like while driving into work this morning. Although, I must say I am feeling rather accomplished. I managed to get myself and the baby ready and out the door on time this morning, earlier than usual because I am in a different office today which is a 45 minute drive (35 minutes longer than my normal commute) – all without Flaco’s help. He stayed in bed and grumbled when I turned the bedroom light on. He always hated that…… 

I have begun trying to work things out in my mind. Things simple or silly like what about the lilac bush my mom gave me that I planted outside the house? Or what will I do with my cats when I move to my parents place? They have a cat with special needs – Oliver is pretty much blind – and he doesn’t take kindly to changes in his abode. I’m sure Brisa (my girl cat) will be fine with him, but I worry that Jackson (my boy cat) will be obnoxious and start fights, like a naughty little brother (he does this to Brisa, but she isn’t a fighter so it’s not so bad). I worry about where my sister and her boyfriend will sleep when they come home to visit (because I am thinking of converting my sisters bedroom into the baby’s bedroom, since it is the closest to my old bedroom at my parents place). But, I am also thinking about the big things, the more important things like should I try to sell the house and hope to cover the costs of a realtor or should I try to rent it out? Flaco and I were married in Nicaragua, so I have no idea what red tape we (I) will have to go through to get out of that mess. I have a sneaky suspicion that an unwanted trip to Nicaragua is in my near future (not that I don’t ever want to go back, but certainly not before the dust settles as bit). Then there is the issue of moving 6 years worth of accumulated junk and fitting it into my childhood bedroom.

When I think about all of this I feel very overwhelmed and depressed. But, I am trying to stay strong for my little boy. He is my light right now and as much as he needs me, I need him at this moment. His hugs make me feel better. I am meeting with Chantel tonight at 6 and I hope she will have good news for me. She is so psyched that I still want to adopt the baby (she sent me an email on Monday before meeting with Flaco stating she wishes Flaco would change his mind because she felt we were a good family, but that she really wants to see the baby OUT of the system and adopted. She told me yesterday that she was considering adopting him because she felt so bad about him being bounced to another home and just wanted him to be with his forever family. I hope he is with them now). I hope the county feels the same way. And I hope, someday, the baby will be able to respect and understand the decision I am making right now. I know I want him to have a father and perhaps someday, when I have pieced together my heart and soul, I can find him a daddy who loves him as much as I do. But, I want to get this information out now before time dulls the details. I want the baby to know that in the short three weeks we have been together I have loved him more than I thought possible and almost instantaneously. This was not my ideal situation for him, but I think my love and the love of my parents will be enough to get us through this mess and into something truly beautiful. This is my hope at least…….

**********************************************************************************

Consuelo called me as I was driving home from work tonight. She said the county is not too pleased with what went down - the separation and me wanting to adopt the baby alone. We talked about what happened and I explained to her how things have not been great for some time now. She kept saying we were so cute together and seemed to have things in order. I got the impression that someone (not Consuelo) thought we were faking it or trying to pull something over on the agency. Truly, we were not. At least, I wasn't. So, I explained to her how I feel - like I can provide for the baby and I am not in this alone, my parents and family and so many friends have offered support, emotional and (in the case of my parents) financial help. She said she would tell her supervisor. She also said she will call my parents to set up a time to come out and check out their house. She said I can be there, if I would like.

I called my mom and we talked about this. My mom is not happy about having to jump through these hoops when there is the possibility that the county might not give me the baby anyway. She was also not pleased to have to pay $101 for the background check for her and my dad. We also talked about the cats and she doesn't think I can bring mine along because their cat will fight with them. I can't give them up! She suggested perhaps my grandparents would take them in, but poor little Jackson is so shy and only attached to me. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. She also suggested I try to stay in my house and wanted to know if I could do it, since Flaco would no longer be on my health or car insurance. I doubt that will make that much of a difference. I guess I will have to see what I can cut out - like cable.

Chantel came over tonight and we talked for a long time. She explained more to me about what is happening with the county. For now, they will not move the baby but they started looking for another family today. CHOR cannot find a family able to take a two year old at this point. Jessica, the county social worker we have been working with, was ok with me going ahead with the adoption. It is her boss who is not so ok with it. Her boss is apparently very by the book and this kind of thing has never happened before. Leave it to me to be the first.... But, I guess they feel like we were dishonest because we didn't express that we were having issues. I said it wasn't anything we didn't think we could handle until recently. They were also worried about fighting or potential violence, which I explained is not the case. I said as far as the baby is concerned everything is normal. We are not even fighting right now. As I explained above, we are actually being more polite to one another than recently. And I said I am going to therapy by myself because I will need to work through some things. I am not crying hysterically in front of the baby and Flaco is still being kind to the baby and treating him like he always did. Chantel said she is going to arrange a sit down with herself, Consuelo, Jessica and Jessica's boss. This will give me an opportunity to explain why I think the baby would be better off with me and not getting moved again. I mean, he has really been improving. He has a lot fewer temper tantrums - I mean they are practically gone now - and he has been learning a lot new words. So, I guess there is still hope, but it seems it will be an up-hill battle. I am praying and praying that I will not lose the baby and my marriage in one fell swoop........

Drama Queen

This is not how I would have ideally spent my Valentine's Day. Last night I took the baby and spent the night with my parents. I had already planned to have off today because Flaco and I were supposed to be going to Hershey to be a part of an infertility study involving PCOS. We didn't go. I called and left a message for the coordinator stating we had the stomach flu. A little white lie, I know, but I thought it would be better than telling her I wasn't sure if I would still have a partner to be a part of the test. As it turns out, I don't.

I am still reeling from all of this and I am so tired emotionally and physically, but simply put - Flaco decided ending things now is what is best for both of us. I decided I am sick of living like this and I don't really want to be married to someone who can't accept a beautiful baby boy just because his skin is more brown than ours. So, it's over.

This is never anything I wanted. I NEVER wanted to be divorced and single again at 30. I never wanted to be a single mom or have to move back in with my parents. But, it seems all of these things are happening. Flaco will get an apartment with a friend. I am looking into trying to rent out the house or sell it - I can't afford all the bills and mortgage on my salary alone. I will move in with my parents at some point. I wish things could have gone differently. I don't think I have even processed all of this yet. But . . . . .

I called and spoke with Chantel, the baby's social worker. I told her what was happening and asked her if I could still adopt the baby, with the support of my parents (and by support, I mean a home, financial support, moral, and child rearing support - so the whole enchilada). She nearly cried! She said she was so sad after speaking with Flaco yesterday and knowing that the baby will get moved again, that she asked the county worker if SHE could adopt the baby (she has known him since he was first in the system at 6 months old). She said, this is amazing and she is so excited. She will call Jessica, the county worker, first thing in the morning to ask her how this will happen, what my parents will need to do, etc for the baby to stay with me.

Last year for Valentine's Day Flaco surprised me after work with a dozen roses and then we went out to dinner together. Today, he decided that he was not interested in marriage counseling and that it's best for both of us to call it quits. I am surprisingly calm about this. I guess on some level, I am relieved. I don't have to keep beating a dead horse.

I will write more tomorrow, after I meet with Chantel, to see what all I will have to do to be the baby's mommy forever. . . . . .

Match Maker

Camp Me – How dare Flaco do this to you. You should leave him and keep the baby. Think about the rest of your life and who you want to be and where you want to be. Listen to your gut, it will tell you what to do. You have to do what will make you happy. When is enough, enough? You are too forgiving. The baby doesn’t deserve to be bounced around like that, he is a baby, not a pair of shoes you can return if they pinch your toes.

Camp Flaco – If it’s not in his heart, it’s not in his heart. You can’t force him to love a child. Think of the future and what problems there might be, if he truly doesn’t love this child. There will be “other” children. Think of your family and right now that is the two of you. Think about what is best for the baby – shouldn’t he be with a family who are like him? Do you really want to ruin your marriage over this?

My head is spinning. My emotions are so haywire I’ve had a terrible stomach ache this whole week. I swing from hopefulness that Flaco will change his mind (when the baby is curled up sleeping on his chest) to desperation that soon the baby will be living somewhere else and calling someone else mommy. I feel so conflicted. It seems no matter what decision I make it will not make me happy. I keep praying to God that Flaco will soften his heart to the baby and decide to keep him. While simultaneously I am preparing myself for the dreadful day that Chantel will call us and say they have found the baby a new family and we need to bring him to CHOR to endure another tearful exchange. Flaco is trying to be more loving towards me, but I am so broken I cannot reciprocate. And the baby is learning more and more words. When he and I are alone, he hardly ever has any temper tantrums (unless we are in public, of course). Last night he learned the word “in” as we were playing with his blocks. He also says “pan” (which is bread in Spanish) and “open.” He is learning to ask me to open things when he wants something. Like to open the refrigerator door when he wants water. Or to open the container for his blocks. And, for the first time last night, he put one of the puzzle pieces in the right place! I feel like he is doing so well with us and it hurts me so bad to think that he might not do so well if he is jostled again to another place, with different people. I am wavering between hoping he will stay and preparing for him to leave. I don’t know how I can keep enduring this! 

This morning Consuelo called me to tell me about a matching event they are having tonight. A matching event is an opportunity for potential adoptive families to meet children waiting to be adopted. She said the other agencies might have children there or have pictures of the children. Flaco is on-board to attend. He likes the idea of seeing the child before making any kind of decision. But, I am not too excited because I think it will mostly be older children or children who are harder to adopt. I am fairly certain they will not have any infants there and perhaps very few toddlers. But, I have a new prayer for God – if I am supposed to let the baby go, please let us find our child at the event tonight. I guess it’s not proper to expect an exchange, but I don’t know why this is happening to us (well, to me). I am trying soooooo hard to not “go there” in terms of my anger and resentment towards God and all of this infertility/adoption nonsense. I had cleared this out of my heart and soul after many prayers and deep soul searching. But, I am beginning to feel that “why the hell must this keep happening to me?!?!” feeling rising up inside me. How unfair is this?! I get a baby, only to lose him again? Wtf!!! I considered the fact that I have never endured a miscarriage to be a blessing – but losing the baby will be nearly as painful (I am assuming, since I have never gone through it – if you have and feel I am over-stating, please excuse my befuddled mind). So, we will go to this matching event tonight. Flaco will look at the children and make his decision based on their coloring and I will worry about how many beautiful children are without a loving home. . . . .   


I was going to post the above information last night, but I never got around to it. After the matching event we went grocery shopping and by the time we got home it was time for the baby’s bath and bed. After that, I was too exhausted to do much else. The matching event was an epic fail, in terms of what I wrote above. We had the baby with us and he made it nearly impossible to really talk to anyone (because anytime my attention was on anyone but him, he would yell “mommy!” until my attention was back on him). The only good thing was that we were interviewed to be in some newsletter that is sent out to all the agencies in the state of PA through SWAN (you can google it, but basically, it is a statewide network to find adoptive homes for kids in foster care). The lady was very nice and after I spoke with her Consuelo said it was a good thing to get our names and faces “out there” to other agencies so if they see a child they think would be good for us, they will call. She said it was also a good idea to come to these events for the same reason, so other agencies will get to know us and think of us in the matching game. After a hot dog and waffle and ice cream sandwich, we left with a new toy and leaky sippy cup in hand. We had to go grocery shopping, because the baby ate all the bread we had in the house. This was the first time we were going shopping with WIC. The baby was just signed up for it on Monday. The whole thing is confusing, but other than getting a 12.8 oz box of cereal instead of a 12.0 oz box of cereal, I did ok. 

In the car on our way to the grocery store Flaco told me that he had spoken to Chantel and she said the county is going to ask him questions about the baby when they come to visit on Monday. And she told him to be honest and tell them what is in his heart. I guess he told her he feels pressured and she said not to worry, to just tell them how he feels. I guess it was good for him to hear that, but I am having a hard time feeling sorry for Flaco right now. 

I guess I have decided that I will not leave Flaco to raise the baby on my own. Mostly, because I don’t want and never wanted to be a single mother. I want the whole package. But, I also realize that no matter what decision I make, I will not truly be happy. I am deciding from one bad thing for another bad thing. I lose Flaco or I lose the baby. Those are my choices. How sucky is that? And all the bullshit about trusting my heart or my gut or my instincts? It’s just that, bullshit. I have no f-ing idea what to do. I don’t know what is best for me or best for the baby or best for Flaco. I am barely keeping my head above the water. I have contacted my employee assistance agency for help finding a bilingual marriage counselor for the two of us. They have to look out of our network to make a special accommodation, since no one in our network is Spanish-speaking. This is after they had me call three different places only to find out they do not have a Spanish-speaking therapist. I was so discouraged! I have made mention to Flaco, but I am not sure he will attend the sessions. I think it is imperative. 

So, Monday is the big day. I am grasping at straws, praying and hoping that something will click inside Flaco’s mind and heart that when the county is asking him if he is absolutely sure he could never love the baby that he will second guess himself and realize how much he already does care about this little boy. (Last night I took a picture of the two of them sleeping together in our bed – I will cherish it forever because it is so precious – but it is also confusing for me to see that, yet know that Flaco professes he cannot love this child forever). I am imagining a phone call from Chantel after the meeting stating, “You would never believe what happened?! The county was asking Flaco how he felt about the baby and he revealed that he truly cares about the baby and even though he is worried about how he will tell the baby why he looks so different than the rest of his family, he is willing to give it a try!” Could you imagine? I would be weeping for joy, rather than sorrow.

Ambiguity

I didn't go into work today. I called in sick because I do have a cold and I didn't really sleep last night. And I really wanted to spend the day with the baby. The day has been a slow one. Flaco got a hair cut in the morning (it took a freaking 3 hours!) and then ran out and got sandwiches for lunch (as I made lunch for the baby). Chantel had been expected to visit us at 1. I called her around 1:30 because she had not shown up. She said she had left a message for me at work and one for Flaco as well, she decided she would not need to come out today, since Conseulo was here for over an hour last night. I was disappointed because I thought we would "end" this all today. I guess not.

My mom called me three times today. She was at work and I know she is so torn up about what is happening. The last time she called from work she asked if the social workers would let her and my dad adopt the baby. They care for him that much! Oh, it breaks my heart!

When I spoke with Chontel this afternoon, I asked if/when they would be taking the baby from us. She said it was really up to the county. And the county wants to meet with Flaco on Monday (2/13). She didn't really say what for, but I am guessing to see if there is any way Flaco will change her mind. I told her I was willing to sign the papers today, if I could, so we could keep the baby. So, I guess Monday is when the final decision will be made. I want the baby to stay. My parents want the baby to stay. CHOR wants the baby to stay. The county wants the baby to stay. The baby wants to stay (cute side note, the baby calls both me and Flaco mommy!). It seems the whole world wants the baby to be in our home - except Flaco.

Last night I dreamt all night about the baby. Just silly things like him finally eating vegetables (tried green beans tonight, no go) and fruit. I dreamt about him talking my ear off (speaking of - he learned the word ear today) and going to school.

So, we are hanging out in ambiguity land. I honestly don't think Flaco will change his mind - he is very stubborn. I know I have been praying he will change his mind and so have my close friends, pastor, and family (and my mom asked for prayers on Facebook last night). Really, only God can change his mind. Let's all pray that Flaco will open his heart to this sweet little boy....

Broken

Dixie Chicks
Fly (1999)
Let Him FlyAin't no talkin' to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly -mmm

Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly
Oh yeah

There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are givin
It's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away - yeah
But you must always know
How long to stay and when to go

And there ain't no talkin' to this man
He's been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat n'
I already tried all that

I'm gonna let him fly - fly whoa
I'm gonna let him fly - fly
I'm gonna let him fly - fly

Ok, so I typed up this whole post and his the publish button and there was nothing there. And I just don't know if I have enough energy to type it up again. I am going to babble now. And cry. See if you can keep up.

Today Flaco told Consuelo that he does not want to adopt the baby. Tomorrow, Flaco will offically tell Chantel we are giving our 30 days notice and CHOR will move the baby into another home that is looking to adopt. And I keep thinking his new mama won't love him as much as I do. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can only feel immense, intense, burning, aching, heartwrenching pain. This sweet little baby has started calling me mama and mommy the past few days. Now, I can't help but cry when he calls me that. Apparently, every time I put him in the car seat, when I have him all strapped in, I ask him, "ok?" and then kiss him on the foreheard. I didn't do that tonight and he kept asking, "ok?" and making a "mwah" sound, until I did the routine. I love him so much and I don't know how I will go on without him. I can't stop crying. I am so broken hearted. I don't know how I will go on. And people keep asking me how I can stay with Flaco after this - my mom thinks I am stupid for not walking out tonight. And Flaco is mad at me for putting us in this situation for twisting his arm into bringing the baby into our house when he was unsure. And because I didn't tell him I wanted to keep the baby, when he thought it was just temporary (like we were originally told it was going to be). I guess I should have known all along - it was too easy. Here is a child that has no parents, no parental rights, free to adopt and he will never be mine. I feel like this is the end of the line. I can't pick up the pieces this time. I am spent. Done. Broken beyond repair. And I ache for sweet little baby boy, who just needs someone to love him and help him grow. He seems to have learned so much already. I can't tell if the words he is using are ones he already knew, or if he is learning new words - but I think he is doing better. I would like to believe he is learning from me now. And it hurts so bad to realize he will never remember me - although it is also a blessing as well, I guess. I will never see just how big he grows. Never see what he becomes when he grows up. And my parents, who had already begun making plans for what they will do with him, are also hurting at losing the baby. They loved him as quickly as I did! He is so easy to love - such a sweet and loveable baby! I couldn't help myself, I cried as I was putting his pjs on tonight. This, of course, made him cry too. I can't imagine this house being empty again. Me going back to my dull stupid, simple routine. I don't know how I will do it. I don't know how I will overcome this pain. Why must things be so dam hard?!?!

Ups and Downs

Things have been all over the place lately. Flaco and I are still adjusting to having our lives turned upside down and the baby is still getting used to having a steady schedule, a new baby-sitter, and eating healthy foods. Thursday morning the baby's early intervention therapists came to our house. We had his speech/attention therapist, Maria, his occupational therapist Danielle and her shadowing student, Mary Grace, and finally Christy the SAM coordinator (SAM is Service Access Management). I think it was overwhelming for the baby. He had a very bad day yesterday and last night especially. We set up appointments from now through the end of the month. Thankfully, the OT, Danielle, can go to the baby's baby-sitter's place and Maria will come to our house when Flaco is caring for the baby on Monday mornings.

This morning we met the baby's social worker, Chantel. She came with Jessica from the county, whom we met last week. They had to check out the house and make sure things are safe for the baby and to see us interacting with him. Chantel will be coming back every week for the next three weeks and then every month thereafter. She is very nice and the baby likes her. I think she will be easy to work with and she is bilingual, which is good.

So, Flaco is having a hard time adjusting to the baby being here. He was thinking about telling Consuelo, our family case worker, that we didn't want to keep the baby (which, really it's just Flaco). But, this morning when Chantel asked him how things were going with the baby, Flaco just said that things were going well and that he needs more time. I fully expected him to drop the bomb, but he did not. Consuelo is coming to see us Monday afternoon because I told her about Flaco having doubts and she decided to come talk to him. I think Flaco might be more willing to open up to Conseulo for two reasons. One, Jessica was here this morning and I know Flaco doesn't like to talk a lot in front of someone who doesn't understand Spanish. Two, he has met Conseulo many times and has gotten to know her, so he might be more willing to open up to her and talk about his issues. But, I also think Flaco is confused. In his mind he had a certain idea of the child we would adopt and the baby just didn't fit that description. But, he also cares for this child. I can tell by his actions, he plays with the baby and cuddles with him - he is even teaching him how to make farting noises, which I love (can you hear the sarcasim?). So, I don't know what will happen. I don't know what Flaco will tell Conseulo on Monday or what decision he will make regarding the baby. I keep praying he will fall in love with the baby and decide we should adopt him.

But, enough about the confusing things that have no resolution right now. The baby is such a sweet child! He is so loveable and funny. We are doing well with the cloth diapers after the first mishap. He wears them when he is home because I have not yet broached the subject with his baby-sitter. I need to get a wet bag for the dirty diapers - one for me, one for her - and then I will bring it up. Maybe . . . . I like the baby-sitter, Taty. She was in our foster/adoption classes last fall. My friend, Sara, takes her little girl to Taty's place. She is organized and her house is close to my work. But . . . . The first day I dropped off the baby she was asking me about how my husband feels about the baby because she knows people from "there" (she thought my husband was from Mexico) don't usually like los morenos. She told me we should give our 30 days (meaning, we would tell CHOR we want them to move the baby and they generally ask for 30 days to do so) and get a tiny baby - one like us. Today she told me the baby should go with "his" people and with a family who has more experience raising children because he is going to be a lot of work. This all makes me feel so terrible! like I am not a good enough mom for the baby. And like because his skin and my skin are not the same color, we should not be mother and son. But, I love him and I know he is starting to get attached to me as well. Her comments are making things harder for me in dealing with Flaco's issues.

Today, Chantel let the cat out of the bag, stating that Conseulo will no longer be our family case worker, that we have been transferred to another social worker named Julie. We are upset by this for various reasons. One, we don't know Julie and we have gotten used to Consuelo. But, also because Julie does not speak Spanish. I feel like this is detrimental for my husband because he cannot talk to her directly, but through me. And if there is important information for him to know, he will have to hear it second-hand from me. It just isn't fair to him or me and I don't think it makes for a good relationship between us and CHOR. Chantel and Jessica were also talking about things in front of us, like they were alone, which bothered me. They mentioned to one another that the baby's previous foster family had gotten a lawyer who had been in touch with both of them. I can only assume they are trying to legally contest the baby's removal from their home. But, it kind of had me freaked out because they gave no parameters to this conversation, no indication if this family has any chance of getting the baby back if they use legal action, nothing. Jessica did mention that perhaps in the future they could set up visitations for the baby and the foster family. I don't understand why, if they are not going to get him back. It just seems cruel for them to see him, knowing he will be someone else's son. I do feel bad for the other foster family and I am sure they loved the baby. It was heartbreaking to watch them lose the baby. And the foster mom, told me she had 4 miscarriages and prayed for God to give her a baby and He gave her the baby. I felt like her story was my story (fortunately, I have never had a miscarriage, but I understand the pain of not being able to have a child of your own).

So, things are moving along, I suppose. I am just trying to love the baby for as long as he is here - I hope it is forever, but I suppose only time will tell . . . .