I’m still wearing my wedding/engagement rings. I don’t feel ready to take them off yet, as stupid as that sounds. Flaco and I slept in the same bed last night with the baby as a buffer between us. It’s so strange. We are being more cordial to one another and nicer to one another now than we have been in a long time. In the few moments I find myself alone, I sob uncontrollably – like while driving into work this morning. Although, I must say I am feeling rather accomplished. I managed to get myself and the baby ready and out the door on time this morning, earlier than usual because I am in a different office today which is a 45 minute drive (35 minutes longer than my normal commute) – all without Flaco’s help. He stayed in bed and grumbled when I turned the bedroom light on. He always hated that……
I have begun trying to work things out in my mind. Things simple or silly like what about the lilac bush my mom gave me that I planted outside the house? Or what will I do with my cats when I move to my parents place? They have a cat with special needs – Oliver is pretty much blind – and he doesn’t take kindly to changes in his abode. I’m sure Brisa (my girl cat) will be fine with him, but I worry that Jackson (my boy cat) will be obnoxious and start fights, like a naughty little brother (he does this to Brisa, but she isn’t a fighter so it’s not so bad). I worry about where my sister and her boyfriend will sleep when they come home to visit (because I am thinking of converting my sisters bedroom into the baby’s bedroom, since it is the closest to my old bedroom at my parents place). But, I am also thinking about the big things, the more important things like should I try to sell the house and hope to cover the costs of a realtor or should I try to rent it out? Flaco and I were married in Nicaragua, so I have no idea what red tape we (I) will have to go through to get out of that mess. I have a sneaky suspicion that an unwanted trip to Nicaragua is in my near future (not that I don’t ever want to go back, but certainly not before the dust settles as bit). Then there is the issue of moving 6 years worth of accumulated junk and fitting it into my childhood bedroom.
When I think about all of this I feel very overwhelmed and depressed. But, I am trying to stay strong for my little boy. He is my light right now and as much as he needs me, I need him at this moment. His hugs make me feel better. I am meeting with Chantel tonight at 6 and I hope she will have good news for me. She is so psyched that I still want to adopt the baby (she sent me an email on Monday before meeting with Flaco stating she wishes Flaco would change his mind because she felt we were a good family, but that she really wants to see the baby OUT of the system and adopted. She told me yesterday that she was considering adopting him because she felt so bad about him being bounced to another home and just wanted him to be with his forever family. I hope he is with them now). I hope the county feels the same way. And I hope, someday, the baby will be able to respect and understand the decision I am making right now. I know I want him to have a father and perhaps someday, when I have pieced together my heart and soul, I can find him a daddy who loves him as much as I do. But, I want to get this information out now before time dulls the details. I want the baby to know that in the short three weeks we have been together I have loved him more than I thought possible and almost instantaneously. This was not my ideal situation for him, but I think my love and the love of my parents will be enough to get us through this mess and into something truly beautiful. This is my hope at least…….
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Consuelo called me as I was driving home from work tonight. She said the county is not too pleased with what went down - the separation and me wanting to adopt the baby alone. We talked about what happened and I explained to her how things have not been great for some time now. She kept saying we were so cute together and seemed to have things in order. I got the impression that someone (not Consuelo) thought we were faking it or trying to pull something over on the agency. Truly, we were not. At least, I wasn't. So, I explained to her how I feel - like I can provide for the baby and I am not in this alone, my parents and family and so many friends have offered support, emotional and (in the case of my parents) financial help. She said she would tell her supervisor. She also said she will call my parents to set up a time to come out and check out their house. She said I can be there, if I would like.
I called my mom and we talked about this. My mom is not happy about having to jump through these hoops when there is the possibility that the county might not give me the baby anyway. She was also not pleased to have to pay $101 for the background check for her and my dad. We also talked about the cats and she doesn't think I can bring mine along because their cat will fight with them. I can't give them up! She suggested perhaps my grandparents would take them in, but poor little Jackson is so shy and only attached to me. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. She also suggested I try to stay in my house and wanted to know if I could do it, since Flaco would no longer be on my health or car insurance. I doubt that will make that much of a difference. I guess I will have to see what I can cut out - like cable.
Chantel came over tonight and we talked for a long time. She explained more to me about what is happening with the county. For now, they will not move the baby but they started looking for another family today. CHOR cannot find a family able to take a two year old at this point. Jessica, the county social worker we have been working with, was ok with me going ahead with the adoption. It is her boss who is not so ok with it. Her boss is apparently very by the book and this kind of thing has never happened before. Leave it to me to be the first.... But, I guess they feel like we were dishonest because we didn't express that we were having issues. I said it wasn't anything we didn't think we could handle until recently. They were also worried about fighting or potential violence, which I explained is not the case. I said as far as the baby is concerned everything is normal. We are not even fighting right now. As I explained above, we are actually being more polite to one another than recently. And I said I am going to therapy by myself because I will need to work through some things. I am not crying hysterically in front of the baby and Flaco is still being kind to the baby and treating him like he always did. Chantel said she is going to arrange a sit down with herself, Consuelo, Jessica and Jessica's boss. This will give me an opportunity to explain why I think the baby would be better off with me and not getting moved again. I mean, he has really been improving. He has a lot fewer temper tantrums - I mean they are practically gone now - and he has been learning a lot new words. So, I guess there is still hope, but it seems it will be an up-hill battle. I am praying and praying that I will not lose the baby and my marriage in one fell swoop........
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