Match Maker

Camp Me – How dare Flaco do this to you. You should leave him and keep the baby. Think about the rest of your life and who you want to be and where you want to be. Listen to your gut, it will tell you what to do. You have to do what will make you happy. When is enough, enough? You are too forgiving. The baby doesn’t deserve to be bounced around like that, he is a baby, not a pair of shoes you can return if they pinch your toes.

Camp Flaco – If it’s not in his heart, it’s not in his heart. You can’t force him to love a child. Think of the future and what problems there might be, if he truly doesn’t love this child. There will be “other” children. Think of your family and right now that is the two of you. Think about what is best for the baby – shouldn’t he be with a family who are like him? Do you really want to ruin your marriage over this?

My head is spinning. My emotions are so haywire I’ve had a terrible stomach ache this whole week. I swing from hopefulness that Flaco will change his mind (when the baby is curled up sleeping on his chest) to desperation that soon the baby will be living somewhere else and calling someone else mommy. I feel so conflicted. It seems no matter what decision I make it will not make me happy. I keep praying to God that Flaco will soften his heart to the baby and decide to keep him. While simultaneously I am preparing myself for the dreadful day that Chantel will call us and say they have found the baby a new family and we need to bring him to CHOR to endure another tearful exchange. Flaco is trying to be more loving towards me, but I am so broken I cannot reciprocate. And the baby is learning more and more words. When he and I are alone, he hardly ever has any temper tantrums (unless we are in public, of course). Last night he learned the word “in” as we were playing with his blocks. He also says “pan” (which is bread in Spanish) and “open.” He is learning to ask me to open things when he wants something. Like to open the refrigerator door when he wants water. Or to open the container for his blocks. And, for the first time last night, he put one of the puzzle pieces in the right place! I feel like he is doing so well with us and it hurts me so bad to think that he might not do so well if he is jostled again to another place, with different people. I am wavering between hoping he will stay and preparing for him to leave. I don’t know how I can keep enduring this! 

This morning Consuelo called me to tell me about a matching event they are having tonight. A matching event is an opportunity for potential adoptive families to meet children waiting to be adopted. She said the other agencies might have children there or have pictures of the children. Flaco is on-board to attend. He likes the idea of seeing the child before making any kind of decision. But, I am not too excited because I think it will mostly be older children or children who are harder to adopt. I am fairly certain they will not have any infants there and perhaps very few toddlers. But, I have a new prayer for God – if I am supposed to let the baby go, please let us find our child at the event tonight. I guess it’s not proper to expect an exchange, but I don’t know why this is happening to us (well, to me). I am trying soooooo hard to not “go there” in terms of my anger and resentment towards God and all of this infertility/adoption nonsense. I had cleared this out of my heart and soul after many prayers and deep soul searching. But, I am beginning to feel that “why the hell must this keep happening to me?!?!” feeling rising up inside me. How unfair is this?! I get a baby, only to lose him again? Wtf!!! I considered the fact that I have never endured a miscarriage to be a blessing – but losing the baby will be nearly as painful (I am assuming, since I have never gone through it – if you have and feel I am over-stating, please excuse my befuddled mind). So, we will go to this matching event tonight. Flaco will look at the children and make his decision based on their coloring and I will worry about how many beautiful children are without a loving home. . . . .   


I was going to post the above information last night, but I never got around to it. After the matching event we went grocery shopping and by the time we got home it was time for the baby’s bath and bed. After that, I was too exhausted to do much else. The matching event was an epic fail, in terms of what I wrote above. We had the baby with us and he made it nearly impossible to really talk to anyone (because anytime my attention was on anyone but him, he would yell “mommy!” until my attention was back on him). The only good thing was that we were interviewed to be in some newsletter that is sent out to all the agencies in the state of PA through SWAN (you can google it, but basically, it is a statewide network to find adoptive homes for kids in foster care). The lady was very nice and after I spoke with her Consuelo said it was a good thing to get our names and faces “out there” to other agencies so if they see a child they think would be good for us, they will call. She said it was also a good idea to come to these events for the same reason, so other agencies will get to know us and think of us in the matching game. After a hot dog and waffle and ice cream sandwich, we left with a new toy and leaky sippy cup in hand. We had to go grocery shopping, because the baby ate all the bread we had in the house. This was the first time we were going shopping with WIC. The baby was just signed up for it on Monday. The whole thing is confusing, but other than getting a 12.8 oz box of cereal instead of a 12.0 oz box of cereal, I did ok. 

In the car on our way to the grocery store Flaco told me that he had spoken to Chantel and she said the county is going to ask him questions about the baby when they come to visit on Monday. And she told him to be honest and tell them what is in his heart. I guess he told her he feels pressured and she said not to worry, to just tell them how he feels. I guess it was good for him to hear that, but I am having a hard time feeling sorry for Flaco right now. 

I guess I have decided that I will not leave Flaco to raise the baby on my own. Mostly, because I don’t want and never wanted to be a single mother. I want the whole package. But, I also realize that no matter what decision I make, I will not truly be happy. I am deciding from one bad thing for another bad thing. I lose Flaco or I lose the baby. Those are my choices. How sucky is that? And all the bullshit about trusting my heart or my gut or my instincts? It’s just that, bullshit. I have no f-ing idea what to do. I don’t know what is best for me or best for the baby or best for Flaco. I am barely keeping my head above the water. I have contacted my employee assistance agency for help finding a bilingual marriage counselor for the two of us. They have to look out of our network to make a special accommodation, since no one in our network is Spanish-speaking. This is after they had me call three different places only to find out they do not have a Spanish-speaking therapist. I was so discouraged! I have made mention to Flaco, but I am not sure he will attend the sessions. I think it is imperative. 

So, Monday is the big day. I am grasping at straws, praying and hoping that something will click inside Flaco’s mind and heart that when the county is asking him if he is absolutely sure he could never love the baby that he will second guess himself and realize how much he already does care about this little boy. (Last night I took a picture of the two of them sleeping together in our bed – I will cherish it forever because it is so precious – but it is also confusing for me to see that, yet know that Flaco professes he cannot love this child forever). I am imagining a phone call from Chantel after the meeting stating, “You would never believe what happened?! The county was asking Flaco how he felt about the baby and he revealed that he truly cares about the baby and even though he is worried about how he will tell the baby why he looks so different than the rest of his family, he is willing to give it a try!” Could you imagine? I would be weeping for joy, rather than sorrow.