Broken

Dixie Chicks
Fly (1999)
Let Him FlyAin't no talkin' to this man
Ain't no pretty other side
Ain't no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly -mmm

Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly
Oh yeah

There's no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are givin
It's no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away - yeah
But you must always know
How long to stay and when to go

And there ain't no talkin' to this man
He's been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat n'
I already tried all that

I'm gonna let him fly - fly whoa
I'm gonna let him fly - fly
I'm gonna let him fly - fly

Ok, so I typed up this whole post and his the publish button and there was nothing there. And I just don't know if I have enough energy to type it up again. I am going to babble now. And cry. See if you can keep up.

Today Flaco told Consuelo that he does not want to adopt the baby. Tomorrow, Flaco will offically tell Chantel we are giving our 30 days notice and CHOR will move the baby into another home that is looking to adopt. And I keep thinking his new mama won't love him as much as I do. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can only feel immense, intense, burning, aching, heartwrenching pain. This sweet little baby has started calling me mama and mommy the past few days. Now, I can't help but cry when he calls me that. Apparently, every time I put him in the car seat, when I have him all strapped in, I ask him, "ok?" and then kiss him on the foreheard. I didn't do that tonight and he kept asking, "ok?" and making a "mwah" sound, until I did the routine. I love him so much and I don't know how I will go on without him. I can't stop crying. I am so broken hearted. I don't know how I will go on. And people keep asking me how I can stay with Flaco after this - my mom thinks I am stupid for not walking out tonight. And Flaco is mad at me for putting us in this situation for twisting his arm into bringing the baby into our house when he was unsure. And because I didn't tell him I wanted to keep the baby, when he thought it was just temporary (like we were originally told it was going to be). I guess I should have known all along - it was too easy. Here is a child that has no parents, no parental rights, free to adopt and he will never be mine. I feel like this is the end of the line. I can't pick up the pieces this time. I am spent. Done. Broken beyond repair. And I ache for sweet little baby boy, who just needs someone to love him and help him grow. He seems to have learned so much already. I can't tell if the words he is using are ones he already knew, or if he is learning new words - but I think he is doing better. I would like to believe he is learning from me now. And it hurts so bad to realize he will never remember me - although it is also a blessing as well, I guess. I will never see just how big he grows. Never see what he becomes when he grows up. And my parents, who had already begun making plans for what they will do with him, are also hurting at losing the baby. They loved him as quickly as I did! He is so easy to love - such a sweet and loveable baby! I couldn't help myself, I cried as I was putting his pjs on tonight. This, of course, made him cry too. I can't imagine this house being empty again. Me going back to my dull stupid, simple routine. I don't know how I will do it. I don't know how I will overcome this pain. Why must things be so dam hard?!?!