It's the End of the World, as I Know it

I had typed up a post while I was at work, but since then everything has changed. I will try to explain and make sense of it all, but I'm not sure I can. My world has shattered. My heart is empty, sitting like a cold stone in my chest, lifeless and heavy. All I know right now is pain. Deep, excruciating pain.

I had a meeting with the county this morning. It was with Jessica and Chantel was there as well. Jessica asked me questions and seemed indignant that we didn't tell her at our first meeting that we were going to get a divorce. Well, that was not on our radar (at least not mine - perhaps Flaco had different thoughts....) at the time. Besides, who sits down with a complete stranger and says, "oh, by the way, we are struggling in our marriage."? I mean, seriously.... And again, things were going well for us when the baby first came to our home. So, I explained my side of the story. This came as a surprise to me too. I explained how I have been coping and managing all on my own. I explained what I planned to do financially. I explained that my parents were willing to help out (and my mom even called and explained to Jessica her opinion and confirm their support).

But, none of this matters. Jessica called me after work to tell me they were going to move the baby somewhere else. Consuelo had called me earlier in the day and told me they had interviewed 15 families! They were never going to let me keep him. They were never seriously considering me as a viable option for the baby. Not if they were interviewing 15 families! So, they made me jump through their hoops all for nothing. The baby will be with me for the next two weeks as they transition him to his "new" family. There will be visitations and play dates and plenty of torture for me.

So my world and my heart have shattered. I have nothing left to give. I am broken. So, so broken. I am completely and utterly alone. I have lost everything in less than two weeks. I am a 30 year old motherless divorcee. I'm pathetic and wretched and miserable. I don't know what I did so wrong in my life that I deserve to suffer this way. Wasn't three years of infertility enough? Wasn't losing Flaco enough? Isn't being broke and on the verge of bankruptcy enough? When will I wake up from this terrible, awful nightmare?!?!?