Ms. Lonely

Flaco officially moved out this weekend. He came back to the house on Sunday, twice Monday (I had off for President’s Day) and again last night. He still has a large trash bag full of  clothes and shoes in the house. He told me Monday that the place he had been staying since Friday (he was staying in the attic of his friend’s uncles place – he was the sixth adult to be living there) was not working out because there was no heat and no space and he had to walk through other people’s bedrooms to get to the bathroom. So, Sunday night he was moving in with two other friends, not far from our house. He asked if he could keep his things at home until he finished moving and got situated.

Today I kept thinking about stupid things - like I will never kiss Flaco again. We will never cuddle in bed, he won't reach over in his sleep to pull me close to him. He won't jump in the shower to surprise me or text me to tell me what he wants to do when he gets home. My heart aches when I think I will never walk into our bedroom just to kiss him or run my fingers through his hair. It hurts. It sucks. I hate it. 

Sunday I took off my wedding and engagement rings. My finger feels weird without them and it makes me sad to look at the indentation where the rings used to be. I have cut back on my cell phone amenities and the cable/Internet/home phone bundle, although not as much as I had hoped. I’m bummed because I will be missing the season finale for Royal Pains, since I no longer have that channel. I talked to the bank on Saturday to get Flaco off of the account. I also got his portion of the tax refund and gave it to him. He will need it to buy his “new” car. Flaco promised to fix the bedroom window he broke a few months ago. And he agreed to give me a little something per month to help with the credit card debt. When I was at the bank on Saturday I also asked about financial help and the teller I spoke with (she was very nice) said I should consider refinancing the house. We tried several years ago when the interest rates first fell, but we did not have enough equity in the house. We’ve been here five years as of September, and the teller seemed to think that would be enough. She sent my information to the mortgage specialist who will call me within the next couple of weeks. With my tax refund, I will pay off the smaller credit cards to cut out those expenses. I will have the car paid off in August and in July I get a raise. I am hoping to get things all situated to handle the finances on my own  - and still be able to take care of the baby.

Saturday night was the first night I spent alone with the baby – and every night since. I pretty much have us down to a routine now, to get ready in the mornings and when we come home after work. His teacher, Maria, came over Monday morning and basically sat on my couch and watched the baby play (I really don’t see what good she is, but I try not to let it bug me). She did count how many words he knew and he is well over 40 – and more, since I couldn’t remember all the words he uses when she was there. He is learning more words daily and he has also picked up words from the other children at daycare. 

I am feeling numb lately. I am so tired from the lack of sleep. I think I am doing ok with the baby, but the sleep deficit is making it hard for me to not lose my patience. Thankfully the temper tantrums have really slowed to a minimum, mostly when he is really tired or in public (of course). My parents think I am crazy to go forward with this – since it is not a good time in my life. My sister thinks I should use this time to go “eat, pray, love” and live it up as a single woman, maybe move to a big city (I would rather carve out my own liver than live in a big city – I hate cities and they make me feel claustrophobic and give me anxiety). She sees the baby as an anchor around my neck. No, this is not a good time to be adopting a child, but right now the baby is what is holding me together. Providing for him is helping me to not lose my mind in my empty house.

I am going to start therapy next week, to help me work through the process of grieving the loss of my 6 year marriage. I never wanted to be divorced. NEVER. I hate it. But, I can’t make a marriage alone – it takes two. Flaco’s mind is made up. And I hate that people keep asking me if he has changed his mind or if there is any hope for our marriage. Do you not think I have tried all I could to prevent this from happening? Why don’t you go ask Flaco what he has done to keep us together? I have done all I could do and then some. But, that only gets you so far, you know? Flaco wants other things for his life. I think, despite the dismal living situation where he is now, he is happy to be free. He can now work hard and live poorly, so he can save money and buy cows and land in Nicaragua – that is, after he buys a sweet ride. All the things he wanted to do and whined about not being able to do when we were together. But, I am free too. I am free to find a man who will truly love me for being me. Someone who loves animals as much as I do and who likes to spend time with me and my family. I can find someone who looks at a marriage as being a partnership, not just what I can do for him. I am free to not have to do everything in the household (honestly, the only thing I have had to that I did not do before Flaco left is take the trash out Sunday nights). Well, maybe not right now, but eventually. 

So, I am taking things one day at a time. At some point this week, I will have to meet with the county. They have agreed to consider me for adopting the baby. This is good news, since last week they had begun looking for another family for him. I know I will have to live with whatever decision they make. I think I have decided that if they take the baby from me, I will sell the house, the car, and go teach English in Asia. I don’t know how conceivable that will be, since I will still have lots of debts hanging over my head, but I checked into a program a few years ago when Flaco was on a “we need to move to Nicaragua” kick as a job I could have in Nicaragua. The person I spoke to said that in Asia they pay English teachers so well and the cost of living is so low that you can save a pretty penny living there. I just don’t know if I can stick around, wallowing in all the things I will have lost, especially if I lose the baby as well…… 

Oddly enough, there seems to be a rash of pregnant woman around me again. Three women are pregnant at church. I have a former Peace Corps friend who is ready to pop and a friend I worked with previously having her third in 4 years. Last night I found out a long-ago friend is preggo and a girl who was in my church youth group also announced she is expecting. It’s crazy! And, I wish I could say that it doesn’t bother me, but it does. Especially, since I might be too old until I am situated and ready to try for a baby again. I think the pain of infertility will be with me for a long time. Maybe some day I will be able to joyfully announce that I found Mr. Right and we are going to be parents together. Right now, that seems like an impossible dream.  I am picking up the pieces. Trying to get things in order. Trying to be strong and power on. I don’t know why this had to happen and I can’t make sense of the pain, but every day I put one foot in front of the other. And I hug my precious little boy and hope we will both be ok – either together or apart……