Desperately Waiting

I’m in a better frame of mind today. I guess, once again, I found a way to pull myself up by my bootstraps and march on. I’m not saying that I feel all Pollyanna and sunshine, but I am not so doom and gloom like the previous two days. The nasty things are safely tucked away for the moment.

I am grateful to have a distraction this weekend with the two little kids I will be caring for coming tonight. I got a call from CHOR today asking me to take them again next Sunday, just during the day and I agreed. I reiterated my concerns about taking them as a foster placement and potentially losing out on a legal risk or adoption placement. And I was told again that I need to do what is best for me. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision. I keep hoping that between now and Monday I get a call for a placement and my decision will be made for me. I did have a call this afternoon for a placement of two babies, but before I could even wrap my head around it, CHOR called back and said the county found relatives to take them. So, perhaps I will get that call Monday……

I am struggling because I like these kids, they are funny and sweet and the little girl is naughty (she is so smart it gets her into trouble) and makes me laugh. It would be nice to have a distraction right now. And, according to CHOR, they will being going back to their mother sometime in the beginning of the year, so it would only be temporary. But, that would put me on-hold for my desire and goal to be moving in the direction of adoption. I realized, as I am thinking about this placement, that I have never said no to a placement CHOR has presented to me. Flaco said no on a few occasions, but I was always willing to give it a try.

Last night my family worker came over to renew my homestudy approval for the next year. We talked about the placements I have had over the past year and what my future goals are. I up-dated and emailed my new autobiography to her this morning – one that removed the “we” and focused on me. She said her supervisor had told her to be sure to praise me for all the great work I have done this year and how much they appreciate how easily I communicate with staff, that I implement their suggestions with the kids I have in my care, and how well I care for the children. She said they are so glad I stayed with them after the rocky start because I have done such a great job. It was nice to hear all of this and to know that what I do, all the effort I put forth, does not go un-noticed. I was surprised to hear they were glad I stayed because I was just so glad they didn’t kick me out! I’m thankful that this agency has been so kind to me and so supportive of the decisions I have made and that they acknowledge how hard it is to be a foster parent. It was nice to know the feelings were mutual!

So, I will see how things go this weekend and try to make up my mind about these two kids. I really don’t know which way to go, but I pray for wisdom in making a decision……